2009

2009.

what is it going to be?

Have faith. Good luck to us all.

They came...some left, some stayed on...

2:55 a.m and very awake. Haven't had a wink since 30 hours ago.

Had a nice dinner with Marc at Botak Jones and we happened to talked about past and present buddies.

In my very short 30 years of existence, some characters have been very significant in moulding the man I am today. Most had striked a chord, some left a bitter taste but everyone had something to share. I tried tracing back the early years of those who left an impression. Some are no longer in touch, some have passed on, some are a distance away, a handful still sticking around.

I wish to extend my apologies to those who had ended our associations on the wrong note. (esp those guys that I gave stitches to...damn!! I gave quite a few!!) I shall count my blessings for those few buds who are still there for me.... Nic, Sebast, Adrian, Yang, Marc. I am not perfect, not easy to get along with, had a terrible temper, often moody, highly insecure, egoistic and can be a real pain I.T.A. sometimes. I really appreciate the high tolerance, empathy, accomodations and obligations showered upon me. THANXXX!!


'True friends stab you in the front.' ~ Oscar Wilde

Identity Crisis

Hangovers are not always a good indication of FUN the night before.

My head is heavy, stomach is churning and I am feeling damn dehydrated.

Thanx to those few buds who were there with me, esp Marc...who finished the night with me. Met some old frens, new frens, frens' frens, 'dunno whose' frens, and 'are we?' frens. Been a long time and I used to enjoy myself there. I did not find it there.

I am still searching.

Have A Good Journey Home...Shandy

I lost another fren yesterday.

After months of resistance, Shandy was finally called home to be with God.

We are not the best of frens, neither do we constantly keep in touch. It's always the occassional 'bump-intos' or updates from our mutual frens. But it's always depressing when someone you know passed on. I hoped she will finally find peace. I will remember you, Shandy *hugs*

I always told others...the older we get, the lesser frens we have. Maybe not lesser as in quantity, but more in terms of quality. People who have been there and done that with you... people who have significantly influenced, touched, taught and shared. This blunt fact is getting truer by the day, and I am feeling at my loneliest this current moment. I know the worse is yet to come.

How short-lived are our lives, aspirations, love and dreams? What are we searching for all this while? Yang said something about human having birthdays cos we more or less know when we are due to arrive into this world. But for death...you never know when you'll be taken. Far as it may seems be to us now, the way home is the eventual path for us all. We are living...chasing...loving like there is no tomorrow, like there is no end. So...to do or not to do?

I've heard about Death years ago but I dun know Death yet. I can tell you when I am dying, but not when I am dead. Dun worry, I am not getting suicidal now, juz feeling maybe Time is really short. Maybe we shall appreciate our everyday's existence is a blessing in itself. Maybe it's time I start living. Right now.

'The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time.' ~Mark Twain

Merry Xmaz..merry me?

To all the folks reading this, merry Xmaz to you! May the coming year brings happiness, love and health for us all!

I think my heart is crying now. Thankfully Sam is still very much in one piece. Buddies have bundled around me, making all this while bearable. I chose to spend a quiet Xmaz's eve night on my own, fixing up the new beautiful speakers for my lappie. The sound quality is amazing now and I'll need it. There will be more time spend alone from now on.

Though there's no white Xmaz in Singapore, somehow our humid climate responded to this happy occassion and rained all day...making it all wet and chilly. How appropriate! And yes...have you wonder that Mr. Santa could be Hokkien (a local dialect...) becoz 'Ho Ho HO...' does sounds like it to me. Imagine Mr. Santa kena charged ERP when he comes here...heheh..

Peace to you all *smile*

Alone again...naturally.

Another puff, another sip....as I drink myself to sleep.

Another solitary drinking night again, puffing again on those loyal ciggies. Been 8 years plus, since I was alone...and here I am now, very alone, very lonely once again. Maybe suddenly Time is aplenty, and I hav too little things to do. No one else to bother about where I am, wat I am doing now or who am I with. Only me and me. It's so unfamiliar.

I think I am doing fine, though no one understand my state of mind at this moment. The sadness is not really that kinda sadness. I would love to have someone to talk to and stick by me now, but I guess...no one knows me better than myself. My ipoh 'fren' might even think I am a freak?!?! (okay..no more ttyl!!) I shall stop explaining myself, juz let time heals me slowly. I shall be myself again. Those who know Sam, no explaination needed. For those who dun, why bother explaining anyway?

The fotos are still all around the room, even on my lappie's wallpaper. Though I am looking at them more often now, they juz feel so remote. How ironic! To think I never even bother to look at them more than a glance before. Now all the pieces of us felt more like 'ornaments' and 'accessories'. They might stay awhile more, but they might never evoke the same feelings again.

I am tired..another glass or two and the mind will be goggy and there goes another night. What do Fate have in store for me? Standing at the mid point of my life, I never felt more lost...unsure of myself than now. Yet the calling of a brand new chapter does arouses some excitment! An aries will be an aries I guess. Always brave, alway raring to go again! Hurt and disappointments are temporary but the smell of victory is wat makes our kind go on and on and on....

I will survive. Time will tell.

Finally..it's all over

I wished everything will be wonderful for her.

And God will have a way for me.

Sleepless in Singapore

6:45 a.m.

It's getting difficult to post nowadays. Too much tots yet can't find the words to write them down. Maybe juggling 2 blogs is too tedious. 26 more days and it's done.

Met up with my Uncle Ricky juz now which was like my 4th prefered choice, since the rest are all unavailable. He can be a little hmm...(how to say it without sounding offensive?) but I was glad he was there. At least I had someone to talk to. Actually not really talking...more like listening to me. Everyone wants to say everything about themselves nowadays and it's so hard to get good listeners. They are very highly-appreaciated in my list! Or maybe I am juz plain selfish?

And I spoke about KL again (it's pissing all my buddies!) and her charms. I was ranting away about how much I enjoyed cities like KL, BKK and JKT and how mundane I find Singapore. Somehow or rather, 'safe' Singapore is juz too controlled. She lacks the soul and vibrancy of the others...an edge...a thin line between bright city lights and dark seedy alleys. Wat can REALLY go wrong here? Uncle Ricky muz be muddled listening to my complaints when suddenly... out of the blue, I came out with a simplied analogy of the situation....

Imagine 3 chefs (we shall call them S, M and T..), and these 3 are famous for their bak ku tehs (bkt for short)

M is a famous for his herbal bkt and has been doing his recipe for the last 20 yrs. In a street-side stall of rustic KL, he serves his dish in old used plates and bowls. The presentation is not neat, and might even turn away some. But the real deal lies in his traditional style of preparing this classic dish, and every sip of his soup makes one craves for more...

T is trained in the old school of bkt preparation. But highly-innovative, he decided to incorporate some 'thai' elements into this chinese dish. Years of trials and errors later, he invented his tom yam bkt. Experience has taught him to perfect his craft and though he too, has no fancy presentation to boot. His spicy servings never fail to torch any tongues and every hearts.

Now S is not a master, nor has any recipes. But he has been trained to always learn, analyse and research before action. He understood his rivals' strengths and carefully highlighted their flaws. First he will set up a clean small eatery in a cozy corner. His plates & bowls will be new and standardized. Before even convincing his clients to eat his bkt, he wanna convince them to eat IN his beautiful shop. Then he studied his rivals' recipes and remaked something with a blend of both. To cut preparation time, he even came up with a standard ingredients in a sealed pack so that he can maximise his outputs. For revenue, he even marketed those packets to supermarkets and mini-stores, and now, everyone can enjoy his speciality in the comfort of their homes!! How's that for a win-win formula?!? Everyone's liked his bkt but somehow...it's juz not traditionally-authentic and spicy enough to leave a mark in the art of bkt...

WELL, THAT'S SINGAPORE FOR YOU!

Despite the highly-acclaimed efficiencies, urbanizations, infrastructures, mulit-racial co-existences and blah blah blah in Singapore....something is missing. The human touch? The local flavour? That distinctive feel?

Are we all frogs trapped in our own urbanized wells?


Think abt it.

Life is Not so great afterall

I have been feeling down since I got back.

I dun really know what is bothering me or maybe...everything is bothering me. I feel like returning home to God right now. My heart craves for nothing. Absolutely nothing.

I juz wanna be alone.

Somewhere with ciggies, drink and music.

what is wrong with me?

Back and very ramdom

I haben been writing here for so long, since I am very much occupied with the other personal blog for her. But I think I need my space here. I am back.

I can crap and trash in here and no one bothers. I feel good writing impromtu and reading them again later. No rules, no regulations. Juz me.

The KL trip is memorable, the work there is damn tiring, but I came back much happier but very lost. This trip really opened up my mind, and I realised this world is really, indeed HUGE...

The tot at the moment is KL, Ipoh and Jeslin.

A very sweet gal I befriend on my last day at work in KL. I am definitely thinking about more than juz a sentence but I shall leave it at that. Those who knows will understand wat I am talking about.

Drank quite a bit again but I am alrite...juz maybe emotional.

Things shall be alrite again...I hoped.


Till then.

Lonely December and the ending of 2008

I will be away to KL for work from the 3rd to 15th Dec.

Sitting here right now, there are like countless stuffs which I wanna blog about, but to conclude them all...well, 'Life goes on...'


I am very happy Adrian is back, was a pleasant surprise when I got his call yesterday. Like wat Sebast said, it kinda made our day. 25 days must be long for him. I hoped all is better for him now.' Bro, it won't be the 'start of the nightmare' if you have belief and faith. It will not be easy but when is anything easy in the first place?'

Things are pretty much back on track again. Sometimes I wonder why bother so much in the first place? If it's meant to be, it will be. Human are weak, we are constantly at the mercy of our own emotions, judgements and principles. We are pawns on God's board. I kinda believe now all are pre-destined. But since we are 'here' now, make it a better journey home. It's not about the riches, success or legacy, it's more on self fulfilment. A half-filled glass of water is either half full or half empty. Make your own call.

Renewed Faith

Faith did not desert me when it matters most.

Faith that this world will be a much beautiful place. Faith that my love will see me thru. Faith that Marc and Sebast will see their love thru. Faith that Nick will find his love. Faith that Donald will make ends meet. Faith that Adrian will emerged unscathed and stronger. Faith that my mum will love me as much as always. Faith that Yang will find his way. Faith that Syirah will live her dreams. Faith that everyone will have faith, for better or worse.

For Happiness, Love and Health,

Have Faith my dear mates *smile*

72 days Project

I will be embarking on a personal 72 days project.

I will be back.

Tracing back our past.

Looking thru our pictures always bring back sweet memories. Okay maybe not all are sweet!!



We were younger, simpler...lesser worries..dun care a heck about anything, eveything, nothing.

I would love to be young again!!

Battle Cry.

My first post in November.
Too many things have happened recently.

The 'temporary departure' of a close buddy.
The 'temporary departure' of my beloved.

Emotionally, I am beaten.

Another 2 months and I will see this good fren again. But I might not have 2 months with my beloved.

As hard as I tried to make things better, she said it's not the same as before.
And I only have myself to blame if I am going to lose her again for good.

I am saddened but not defeated.
She means too much to me to give up without a fight.

I will fight on.

Bless me.

A 2nd chance. A wake up call.

She flew to India yesterday. With a lighter load I hoped.

This couldn't happen at a better time. To remind, to warn and a big kick to my butt.

"A little a day, keep the loving at bay"

I will be better, we will be better and all will be better *smile*

Baobei

I never realised how much i love her till i lost her.

Je t'aime

I asked for faith,
I asked for trust,
I asked that love,
don't need more to last.

I asked for belief,
I asked for strength,
I asked that love,
will last a great length.

But more than all,
I asked of you,
to give me love,
the way I given you.



"Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does. Love is a battle, love is a war; love is a growing up."
~James A. Baldwin

For 2009

Been away.

Been writing, running, and dazing.

A little calmed, a little lost, a little lighter.

Wondering, thinking, breathing.

I will be living my dream.

Follow yr Heart; your brain can't live without it too.

Heard so many 'catch-22' stories recently.

"should I go...should i stay?..."
"should I try...or juz forget it?.."
"Maybe this can work out...or better not..."

Life is really weird sometimes. First, she gives us consiousness. Then the very same consiousness contradict or confuse us. Finally, we abandon that consiousness again.

"The happiest things in Life are simple. And the simplest things are juz right beside."

" A young boy came across a tree. He stood under her shade, in awed of her height and size...and left feeling intrigued by the mass of that tree. A decade later, he came and pointed at the same tree and commented it's an 'Angsana' tree...one of those trees with wide, spreading branches, thus the wide shade she casted, and her shade kept the temperature cool. Years passed and the 'now grown' man came and examined the same tree, and commented this Angsana tree must have been here for at least 40 yrs...judging from her deeply-etched roots and worn bark...he had learned that her leaves produced sap and her beautiful yellow flowers never last long enough for him to admire...and how the same flowers will form a carpet of yellow along the pavement the morning after. After 40 yrs, an ageing man saw the same tree. The tree which he stood under as a young boy....which left him in awed of her height and size....and the old man left....as intrigued as the first time he saw her..."

A simple yet meaningful story which never fails to remind me that life sometimes dun hav to be too complicated. Afterall, a tree is a tree. *smile*

Lonely yet not alone

Another long night. Sang my lungs out juz now.

I came out with this phase " alone but not lonely OR lonely yet not alone" years back. How adept is this remark now!

How many times have each one of us fall into a mood like tat?

I need conviction and connection.

I need someone to tell me I am alive, that I am missed...my existence matters to someone out there. I need someone to understand the turmoils I faced sometimes, someone to untangle my knots of confusion. Someone who might love me more than I love myself...someone who is my beacon of light, my source of strength and inspiration. Someone.

"Will there be a 'someone' like that?

No man come and go by himself. We co-exist to acknowledge each other presence...to make comparisons, to have competitions, to define intelligence, to differ beauty...then how can we feel lonely among men?

I think it's more of a physicality VS spirituality thingy.

"Willing is the flesh, but weak is the mind" ~ Sam G

I still sorting this one out, let's see how long I'll take.

Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde

Had an outburst today. A big one.

I dun even do that to my buddies or colleagues (not yet at least)...why did I shouted at my loved ones? I dun even do that to idiots.

Is it because I know they will always be there to tolerate my nonsense, for better or worse?
Is it because familiarity have breed contempt...and I have already taken them for granted?
Do I have to wait till all is too late before I finally wake up my bloodly idea?
Do I have to keep asking myself 'do I'?

My temper is legendary. I tot it was gone for good. Actually, it's all the while there...waiting...like a dormant volcano, juz waiting to spit her fury. My tolerance is definitely higher now, but still...I need to be better than this. No point apologizing when hurt is already inflicted. Not when this highly-toxic mouth of mine spewed words that cut right to the heart. I think 'sorry' is not even enough. I am MEAN when pissed. I think 'terrifying' is a better word. Where did all the logic, common sense, rationality go? What happen to the other sam?

thinking too much....thinking too much...and i am becoming Mr. Hyde.

I need to reassess myself.

Only time will tell

Another exhausting great run. Many tots and reflections.

Someone once told me that, juz because I treated him like a best fren, doesn't actually means He is a best fren to me. The younger me harped over this thought for months, I couldn't understand why the feelings are not mutual and reciprocative?

This kinda situation happened many more times after...with a fren, a love interest or juz anyone...anyone who dun really matters to me, but I DO matters to them or vice versa. I realised, sometimes no matter how hard you try to make that someone likes you, accepts you...it juz can't happen. Charmed is the one with a blessed life...one who is constantly well-liked, popular...the 'star' of the gang. And DAmned is the one who's not.

So I learned that it won't be mutual. And I started hating people who can't reciprocate.

But someone taught me one of Life's greatest lessons.

"For it is in giving that we receive." ~St. Francis of Assisi

(Nope. Not St. Francis who taugh me. I juz found his quote very appropriate tat's all!!)

Sometimes we really can derive much joy and happiness juz from giving. Try it yourself.

Forty Blinks, Two Ciggies and One Tot.

it's 6:40 am and I can't sleep. Again.

Rather cooling tuesday morning and I am still alert (it's going to be hell come later noon..).

An old pal added a new group in FB recently named "1994 Graduation Batch". And I am happy I get to see so many old frens that I haben seen for years...many have aged (not me!), have kids (not me!), grown fat (maybe me?...) and some still look as fab (definitely me!!).

Always nice to see familiar or old faces again...esp when I am halfway there.

I have always love to be around people, cos everyone have great stories to tell. I am always facsinated by tales of life experiences and love stories! Seeing all these old frens, reminded me of stories I have heard. Some stories were once part of me and maybe I was once part of someone's story. I am glad most are doing alrite, though 2 have since passed on and 1 is fighting for her life now. Hoped she will make it.

How many more stories to hear before I pass on myself?

All those angels in my life that once were, still are and will be....I only wish my sight would last long enough to see you, my hearing will be able to listen to your wonderful tales again and again.... and my memory will never fail me so that I can remember your beautiful faces and your stories.

So to all my beautiful *angels, GodSpeed.




*If you are wondering whether you are one of those angels, you are one already. *smile* cos seriously a devil wouldn't have bothered.

Almost there.

It's done. And I like it.

It's only a short 1:20 min song but it means much to me. Been like 10 years since I last wrote something?

Over and over again, I keep playing the chords on my piano. The feeling was one of great frustration...I can't find the right words to go with the tune. 6 days. I got it finally *smile*

And I wish to share this song with whoever is missing someone (when I know how to upload it here.)


15th sept 08 5:58 am. Sam will be back.

40 hours

It's been 40 hours since my last eyeshut. I am losing sleep again.



Hair is turning white faster than I can keep track. I might as well dye them ash grey and save myself the trouble of plucking...

Yet another day.

It's scary how a day passed juz like tat. (ok...i knew i slept half a day away....)

Another night of drinking. This is becoming routine and i am worried. I dun drink myself silly and do stupid stuffs. But i am enjoying the the moment when you are in between consciousness and drunkard state. When you are almost blurred and everything feels so light...so light...

I think I have never plan too far ahead all my life. I live day by day, and i hate routines, fixtures....anything that condone me to the grip of normality, I will resist. I dunno what tomorrow brings and I dun wish to know. I dun comform easily. and I dunno wat i want.

I am bearing a burden...a burden of wat? Life? Regulations? The musts and the don'ts? I am still searching and it's suffocating me. This very moment, I wish I can juz put everything aside and leave. Everything. Am I running away? Too timid to face the course of actions? Never!! Since when is an Aries timid?? This ram might have been leashed for too long. And he can't wait to fly again.

The Mind is indeed powerful. I am thinking too much and am struggling to maintain a sense of balance. Is it emotionally driven? I dunno!! i dunno....really...i am tired.

I need a rest. It's inside and I can feel it. I might not be able to control it for very long. Sam is fighting. Fighting Very hard to be alright. I have to be alright. I will be alright.

This is classic sammy at his best. He will allow himself to free-fall......all the way down to rock bottom and bounce right up again. He has done it before and he will do it again.

Breathe sam. Breathe.

Ramdom thoughts

Another long night. My precious long night. My mind is fresh and the brain is spewing tots faster than i can remember....

...I am enjoying the song on my blog (fallen), one of my top 10 fav...i can play it over and over again! No ones writes in my Cbox. Again. The movie i juz finished has a bitter-sweet ending and aaron kwok's acting is really good. Dunno if i can help adrain in any way....yang might still be awake........can marc win eunice's heart?....my brother is flying off this friday...going ktv with my mum and uncles this sat (first time!!) ...i think i am slightly slightly slimmer.....that was a lung-bursting hell of a run juz now...i am hungry..no dinner..only 5 am ...wat show should i watch next?...no red wine today, damn.... pissed...feeling good today actually...muz be the run!..i am hungry...mum is waking up soon...i wanna find out something but i think i shouldn't....maybe one zouk per week is good for the tummy? mebbe i should go over Baobei's place tom? ...think i will wake up at 6+pm...maybe find nic for kopi....huixian really wrote something about sebast in her friendster...i am hungry...breakfast...too bright by then...oh i think adrain wanna dine with me...i muz tell sebast wat huixian told me yesterday...maybe she dun enjoy chatting with me?...ok...blah blah blah blah...should i eat breakfast? maybe i can swim tom?!! i need to get my priorities straight!...syriah is leaving soon...damn it moby_low is not vincent?? think i will watch andy lau's show lah...

I juz love my long nites.

Run Sammy!!! Run!!

Been running again.

I promised myself it's time to lose some weight and have stronger lungs. When You CAN't even run fast enough to the toilet and ends up shitting your pants....something is seriously not right anymore.

I remembered how running used to be such a good stress-reliever, it always perked me up then when I am troubled. That's why i put on those pair of 'long-ignored' shoes and started pounding the pavement again. And I am troubled. Partly also because the legs have gone all jelly and the lungs just can't keep up anymore. I am flabbergasted by the deterioration of my once 'elite' fitness and i promised myself i will pick up where i left. I think I will get better than now.

kay...gotta run now. Haben really got lotsa pants to change you know.

Calmed.

"...he went towards the rose and drew in her heavenly scent, each breath as deep as the last. He couldn't venture further as her thorns are sharp, but he didn't want to anyway, for he was contented with the moment... A moment he will remember, where time couldn't surpass."

~The rose in Eden~

Imprints.

A man's lifetime is never enough to experience everything.

That's why we learn, get influence, get inspire or maybe juz remember that few someones who came by and left imprints in our lifes. No matter how huge or tiny, the prints shaped us into wat we are now.

I hope I did left a significant print somewhere...with someone. I dun need to be constantly remembered...maybe when that familiar tune sounds out again, I will be recalled.

I remembered my prints. Do you?

I miss rainy days.

There's hell lotsa rain today. And I love it.

Rain is when sam is brooding. Not sad. Juz brooding. I know it sounds weird...but i kinda like it when i am brooding, hovering close to being depressed. It exaggerated the feeling of despair and how fucked-up life is. When I snap out of this mood everytime, it never fails to remind me to count my blessings.

Is it a reminder of what I have OR what I will lose?

I dunno. I am afraid.

Maybe this ram is indeed ageing, the spontaneity have definitely mellowed. Maybe this is mid-life crisis. (I heard menopause is worse!!)

I was juz telling adrain we are constantly hiding behind veils of realism. The 'can do-s' and 'must do-s' is widening. Ah yang is already complaining, ' there he goes again...' I am not whinning. Just dun quite know the right set of protocols to apply anymore. The heart and head will never agree with one another.

Sighhhhhhhhhhh. Thankfully my red wine dun whines.



'i would love to miss you,
but i know it shouldn't be done.
But if i have not already did,
why i know i can't?'
~Sam G

Halt!!!

that's it. enough.

Crazy crazy world.

Sigh.

Everyday.

It's a beautiful Day today.

You and I Both

Was it you who spoke the words that things would happen but not to me
Oh things are gonna happen naturally
Oh taking your advice and I'm looking on the bright side
And balancing the whole thing
Oh But often times those words get tangled up in lines
And the bright lights turn to night
Oh Until the dawn it brings
Another day to sing about the magic that was you and me

Cause you and I both loved
What you and I spoke of
And others just dream of
Others only read of...of the love, the love that I love.

yea..luv luv luve luve..

See I'm all about them words
Over numbers, unencumbered numbered words
Hundreds of pages, pages, pages forwards
More words then I had ever heard and I feel so alive

Cause you and I both loved
What you and I spoke of
And others just read of
And if you could see me now
oh love, love

You and I, you and I
Not so little you and I anymore..hmm

And with this silence brings a moral story
More importantly evolving is the glory of a boy

Cause you and I both loved
What you and I spoke of
And others just read of
And if you could see me now
Well I'm almost finally out of
I'm finally out out out of
Finally dee deedeedee deedee
Well I'm almost finally, finally
Well I'm free, Oh I'm free

And it's okay if you had go away
Oh just remember the telephone was working both ways
And if I never ever hear them ring
If nothing else I'll think the bells inside
Have finally found you someone else and that's okay
Cause I'll remember everything you sang

Cause you and I both loved
what you and I spoke of
and others just read of
and if you could see now
well I'm almost finally out of.
I'm finally out out out of,
finally, dee deedeedee deedee
well I'm almost finally, finally, finally out of words.

Shit.

Damn. I can't. Shit.

I saw the light at the end of the tunnel

Talk about being old in my previous post. I almost died on Tues. Close.

It's a weird sensation. Cold, scared...U hear nothing, u see white, u hear yr own heartbeat...thump thump....thump thump...slowly u drift in out of consciousness...u felt light, so light that it seemed like floating. U can't recognized those faces around u anymore.

Then U breathe hard. U choked. Noise filtered through and you heard your name being called. Colour filled your environment. U came back.

I came back. Guessed my time wasn't up yet. Juz yet. Hmm...why?

Nostalgia

Time and tide really waits for no man.

It's amazing how the little crow feets crept to my eyes silently. Same place but different time, evokes different sentiments. Same person but different feel, brings about another awareness. Damn...even my fav bed sheets colour have faded.

We can't turn back time. Never. Ever. But can we do the same things over again? Maybe with a different approach? Will it brings different results? Can we...? can we...? The questions are endless...

I wanna be young again. Not tat I am VERY old but maybe younger than 30. I wanna sing, write songs, even dance and do things I always love but never did. I can do them now. But it's juz not the same as when I do them at 20. Attained sensibility causes the death of youthful exuberance. When the current idols are younger than you, you know you have hit your expirey button. Sigh...

I haben seen the raw, eager and energetic face in the mirror for a long time. Guess I will never see it again. They call this a mid life crisis. I call this a sober awakening. Weak might be the body, but strong is the mind. I am still breathing. And I will.

I have to believe that figures are juz another number. In prehistoric days, when cavesmen still can't differ their ones from twos, the only way to judge your age is by the markings on your bodies. (The early days of tattoos!!) Subsequently, this have to stop because THERE IS ONLY SO MUCH U CAN MARK....(imagine how a 80 year old would look like). Well...i mean breasts and bums DO sag, but like the saying goes..."It's all in the mind baby!"


I can't turn back time. Then again, neither can GOD. The only difference is GOD still look the same as he ages. (Damn. that would be good enough)

In the search of Happiness

Give me wings to fly, far far away..
let me see what's above, let me dance and sway...
Give me a shoulder to cry, someone who will hug..
gently dry my tears, and mend my broken heart..
Give me smiles aplenty, from strangers as much..
to warm each beaten souls, to cure each weary touch...
Give me strength to fight, and let my ideals ignite...
to move big mountains, to spilt large oceans' tides
Give me dreams so sweet, to last each night's sleep..
to feel angels play, and not heaven's weep..
Give me love so pure, like a mother to a child..
to fill every little corner, every then and now..

Renaissance

The first time I had a pair of earphones plugged in was in 1988. Michael Jackson in his 'Thriller' still sounds great today. Hell knows where that cassette tape have gone to...but my passion have lived on....then scaled down and very much revived recently.

An old tune almost always brings back memories (though not always fond ones) , it juz sorta completes the picture in your mind. My first bus ride, my first gf, my NS days and the few special ones in my life, they all have a tune attached to their faces.... so deeply etched, and so vivid at times when that moment comes flooding back again.

I guess it started from my new digital piano. The familiar tinkering sound ignited the interest and these rusty fingers started playing again. Everytime music filled my little room, it seems I am transported into another realm...another world of dreams, love and happiness. It's my escapade. The same tune could be on repeat the whole nite....How I hate to wake up everytime the melody have to stop!!

So ... my 'L-O-V-E'...bless me when I 'Run to U', and gives me the strength for 'One moment in time' 'Because You Loved me'.... be there for my 'One last cry', till I can 'Breathe Again'....and bring me 'Back at One' 'Against all Odds' Just for once. 'Just Once'.


'Without music, life would be a mistake.'
~ Friedrich Nietzsche

For the lovers, the loners and my little aries gal.

Run To You - Whitney Houston

I know that when you look at me
There's so much that you just don't see
But if you would only take the time
I know in my heart you'd find

Oh, oh, a girl who's scared sometimes
Who isn't always strong
Can't you see the hurt in me?
I feel so all alone

(Chorus:)
I wanna run to you
Ooh, ooh
I wanna run to you
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh
Won't you hold me in your arms
And keep me safe from harm?
I wanna run to you
Ooh, ooh
But if I come to you
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh
Tell me, will you stay
Or will you run away?

Each day, each day I play the role
Of someone always in control
But at night I come home and turn the key
There's nobody there, no one cares for me

Oh, oh, what's the sense
Of trying hard to find your dreams
Without someone to share it with
Tell me what this means

(Repeat chorus)

(Bridge:)

I need ya here
I need ya here to wipe away my tears
To kiss away my fears
If you only knew how much...(Repeat chorus)

Call Of Duty.

Perspiratons lined my brows. The long forgotten midday heat torched my scalp.
Rows of gears thrusted against the mouldy walls of the facade were waiting for their turns...waiting to reunite with the men...waiting to be call upon....waiting to be in the frontline again. As I waited for the moment to beckon with bated breath, the mind wandered to the time when I was trained to be a fighting machine. I am a soldier. And I am back to heed the call of duty.
~ Excerpts from 'Men On Standby'


The hair have never been shorter for the past 2 years. So is the enthusiasm.

With a heavy heart and an even heavier belly, I am going for my reservist tomorrow. Gone are the days when the torso boasted gleaming abs and those legs could cross brutal terrains. A last reality check comfirmed that the abs have merged and the legs can only last till the nearest taxi stand. Luckily the uniform top is still wearable, but the pants....they will need to be reassesed.
I am going to get tanned, if not burnt after a intensive 9 days exercise. Thankfully this is the last time. In this current world of technology and advancements, I really hope the routines for this yearly affair can be altered to suit the modern man. I am sure if outfield camps are conducted in *Cafe Del Mar, with groovy tunes and semi-nudes... my legs and belly should be up to the task. Maybe women might even start volunteering for National Service too. Oh ya...dun forget the liquor!! *smile*

*A trendy hotspot located on Siloso Beach in Sentosa that boasts picturesque ocean views, tropical sensuality, Ibiza decadence and beautiful faces.

Duck meat, duck rice

Had a little friendly arguement with my colleague today. She is a lady and she proves that women are indeed from Venus. And Men are indeed from Mars.

(i can't help side-tracking after writing the above statement. Men r fm Mars, but not all men r arians. But All ARIANS definitely have Martian's blood. But not all arians r men. So...either Arian women r not women OR Venus DO HAVE men there. This only proves one thing ---> *John Gray is a bloody liar.)

*John Gray (born 1951 in Houston, Texas) is an American author on relationships and personal growth, best known for his 1992 book Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus, and other "pop psychology" books offering relationship advice.

In our arguement regarding relationships between couples, we touched on issues concerning points of views from the 2 genders. Like why women think it's perfectly alright to hitch a ride from a friendly driver yet their men are not allow to drive a sexy stranger.....why men seem to have this fixation on all 'roundish things' that moves (soccer, basketball, baseball blah blah..) and why women always forget they only have a pair of feet yet buy a dozen pairs of shoes.... well lady, as far as I know, you are part of the 'round evolution' (your bosoms and butt during prime, and overall figure after birth), and we men DO appreciate your assets as much as we love our balls eh... ball-games. Maybe not as excited with time, but DEFINItely appreciative *smile*

We traded verbal punches for a good while before i decided this is really heading nowhere. Instead of proving my or her point, we have to find a common ground to end this debate. My brain went into overdrive and search desperately for a solution....and suddenly!! The 'Classic Sam's wits' responded with a splendid one liner..."I might eat no duck meat, but you can cook your duck rice!"

"But I can't cook duck rice..."

"well wat i mean is I can compromise..."

"look! U should cook sometimes too, it's about sharing the load..."

"....er..I actually DUN mean this but yes, we can help to cook but not everytime..."

"Why not??... U see....blah blah ..blah blah...."


And the saga continues. Damn.

I thanked GOD again for all the soccers, basketballs and baseballs. Amen.

James Ingram

For anyone who loves this as much as I do.

Sometimes being alone is fine with me.

Bothered.

Juz so lazy to blog. Too much to say, to lazy to type.

A close buddy disappointed me recently. No job, no money, car loan to maintain...yet he can buy PS3, go holiday...and then borrow money from me again. Wat's wrong with him?

Another jonny boy earns 7k a month and whines that it's not enuff. He wants a condo, european car and earns like 20k a mth? hmm...wat's wrong with him too?

A fella colleague gets high during work, come to work like we owns him a living...self-centered, selfish, self-indulged. Big big wrong going on here..

Or maybe it's juz me. Getting fat. old. weak. wat's wrong now?

Blogging- It juz has to be personal!!

Maybe i need to write. Or leave my traces somewhere. which better place other than the world of virtual space?

I have decided to keep my blog a very very private affair. If someone I know chance upon it one day, then so be it. But for now, at least it's only me and myself.

Maybe I am still a newbie in this...but blogging was giving me so much pressure that it defeats the purpose of blogging in the first place. I love to write and I SHALL write what I love!

It's 7:46 am. tired. but pleased!

Empathize you or me?

empathize
verb
be understanding of; "You don't need to explain--I understand!" [syn: sympathize]

"I'm cursed with empathy. I'm also by nature way too opinionated." ~ John Shirley


Empathy came from an early age.

Immerse sufferings, terminal illnesses, broken families etc. never fail to invoke feelings of despair. Not that I was in every situations like that, but somehow...I refused to believed humans can be caught in such extremes. I was young then.

Time is a good master of the human civilisation. She was there since Day 1 and still casting a watchful eye till now...she appeared since birth and will be there till death. She never speaks but always reminds, never forgets but never bears grudges... She has patience and she will wait, tirelessly, ever so gently, reminding us again and again...

I regard 'empathy' as a virture. It makes me highly tolerant of others' misdeeds, guarding this arian's warth against aggression (not always though!). But it also cripples my tolerance for self. Like a double-edged sword, the more I feel for others, the lesser I feel for myself. In an ideal world, this sentiment might works. I am not exactly selfless, but in this 'dog-eat-dog' society, it's every man for himself. and having huge empathy is not going to make you a billionaire.

It's still an ongoing battle in me, the heart is willing but the anger is big. I think it's time for some damage control and step back into my own shoes for once. Hell, I might even be able to get new ones!

Fool's Talk

Cy made a remark about bloggers last night. "..it's always about themselves, isn't it?.."

In a democratic society, we are free to do as we pleased! Erm...as long as it's socially responsible blogging, no intended flaming, highly entertaining and maybe...not being a Singaporean...(oops!)

I dun think I am going to have a 'theme' for my posts. But I dun wanna become too self-centered and start vomitting self-indulgents or post cheesy pics too. (no offence to those who are doing juz that though!!)

I enjoying writing and I write wat I feel. Hey! As long as you enjoy my posts, I am cool. If not juz move on yea? U feel me buddy?? *wink

AsalaAs-Salāmu `Alaykum (Peace be upon you)

Reminder

For those materialistic, selfish and realistic idiots who only cared about themselves, pray hard that nothing bad befalls you and make all that you own or crave...useless.

17th July - One foot in, thirty years and counting...

Life hasn't really been all good...or bad. As i am dragging on my fag, recalling the 30 years that flew past...I think i am thankful i am still alive now writing this.

The world is really different now. Fastpaced, busy, inflations, high cost of living, rising oil prices....blah blah blah...leaves me breathless. The purity of childhood have been stolen, morality eroded and realism rising. Money is the international language now. It will become a sickness, if not already has. Living has taken a whole new context.

I still remember when I was catching spiders among the bushes, jumping over 'zero-point' games, and comparing marbles during my time....when a trip to Mac is a luxery, and owning a computer brings so envy among my peers.

I dun have a degree, the only important certificate I own is my birth cert. I dun work in a high paying job with high post, no material stuffs to strut around, no big houses with pools to dive into etc. etc...

But I have a dream. A dream to live life to it's fullest and spread some love around. Hopefully I have another 30 years to do it.

"Making a difference is not about the impact, it's the effort to do so."

First try!

16th July 08 03:47 am. First post. damn tired. damn.