Life, as it is.

I was going to write. And then I was not. I decided to watch a movie imstead and I ended up writing after that.

岁月神偷.

Catch this movie if you wanna have shed a lit tear or two. Superb acting by Simon Yam and Sandra Ng. My eyes were wet thru out the latter half of the show. Sigh! Nothing really beats kinship and Life can be so unpredictably vunerable.

I wonder the day I pass on, how many peeps will weep and remember me.

Sometimes we are so busy chasing or living the life we wanna live, we forget that Life is not juz about ourselves. In the world of millions, it's really amazing that we got to know who we gotto know. Call it fate or destiny, the encounter dun happens by chance.

I was/am there to meet you. And once it's gone, it's gone forever. It might just be once in a million occurrence. And at this moment, I feel so blessed to have known everyone of you.

Dun wait till it's too late.

And the line is drawn.

Another of my classic cursing when i am pissed. Enjoy.

You.


The culprit of lies and deceit. One who abuse, manipulate and gain leverage for the benefit of your wayward living. One who challenge my misplaced faith and trust in your sensibility to be a better man. One who think nothing about the ethincal codes of conduct. One who persist in heading towards the sorrowful path of self-destruction. One whose intellectual capacity and ability is only to glorify the condemning act of immoral sexual conquests.


You. And you know who you are.


Behind the face of a quiet deposition, you are juz a dirty, despicable rat thru and thru. I could have expose you. I could have rip your credibility to pieces. I could have shame you. I could have punch the shit outta you.


But you know what? I am going to watch you fail miserably in Life. The line is drawn and on hindsight, it should have been drawn much earlier. I was such a fool to believe that you deserve my help and kindness. I should have smell a rat (pun intended). The acquaintance with you has tainted my existence, and degraded the quality of my life. You muz be using too much 'dickhead' to differentiate between the 'cunts' and 'can'ts', cos your actions has proven likewise.


You are the kinda of man who will come and put NOTHING on the table. Sneakily, you will chew and nibble what's already on it, until the next 'table' comes along. Realise why you only have pretenious frens? Realise why you can never hang around long enough to forge lasting relationships? Realise why even your own family have 2nd tots about you?


Cos you are one pathetic, shallow, self-centered, selfish fucker (literally) who never put words to actions and think too highly of yourself. No wonder you dun walk the talk...in reality, you can't! Cos rats scramble around!


To highlight the severity of your liability, I am telling you this in your lingo.
YOU ARE SO FUCK-ED Up.


You have exceeded their tolerabilities by leaving too much poos and the rat catchers are cunt-ming for you. Watch out.





*To the unintended readers of this post, pardon my usage of profanities and sexual connotations.

And he says.

The angst didn't dissipate, or so they said.
'He remains bottled, aggravated and broken.'

But he is griefing. For the loss of humanity, humility and love.

He hides behind the shell of a human form and prevents his soul from the contamination of realism. Although realism is the proclaimation for survival, it is de facto the cause of eroding values. He refuses to conform to the system...a system where the rich get richer and 'elitists' are rewarded.  He scorns at those, while perceiving themselves as deserved/brighter/superior entities on the status quotient scale, can only engage their time in self-indulging gratifications, prostituting their lives to the chase of (warped) quality living.

Wat status quotient? Whose justification on the status quotient? Who have the right to quote others' bearing on that quotient?

You are juz fortunate and you still breathe the same air from the next man on the street. Your academic excellence, financial strength and outstanding attributes do not encapsulate you in the class of higher-beings. You juz happen to emerge from a source which happens to provide you more options in Life. It could have been anyone but it happened to/for you, you fucking lucky, pea-brained, dork-faced of a twit. And you still die and disintegrate like all of us someday.

If he ever loses his mind, he is coming for you.
If wishes do come true, he will curse you a slow, long, painful death.
If he has his way, he hopes a macroscopic-sized event occurs to reverse this world back to its humble beginning.

And he would love to see how you fat, pampered, self-absorbed shitholes survive in this new status quotient. Try being high and mightly and see how those you trampled on before return you the favour.

Yea. He is an angry man. SO?
You pray none of his wishes ever come true.

Living Life, leaving Life.

I didn't have the capacity for words in the last few days.

I was planning roster for my team yesterday and realised the year flew by in a blink. Sigh. I am still in one piece, still apprehensive of Life but hope tat there are more pleasant surprises than not. I am rather drained and in need of an adrenaline rush from anywhere or anyone the right one. Life has wilted to a solitary state. There's nothing excitable, anticipated or forthcoming.

I am seriously boreddd.

I am waiting for tat spark when my energy, love and passion will be unleashed and rid my days of monotony. Something momentous, someone so magical...tat you spend days thinking, and nights dreaming about. I can't wait to tear off this stagnation and have the fire ingnited once more. Where the air becomes fresher, steps become lighter and the heart is pumping with joy.

God...trade with me, shorten tat Life of anonymity (if any) and bless me with requited desires, even if only for a day. For what's a Life worth living, if only to live for the sake of living?

I am waiting.

The (Ugly?) truth of Happiness.

I have an insatiable hunger for blissfulness...mainly becoz, I am rather deprived of it.

It's so astoundingly hard to feel unbridled happiness, makes my heart even fonder of such occurence, to the extent of even trying to bring little joy to others. A nonchalant act of randomness might juz means so much to someone, even though there is so little empathy for it. I am not consciously being nice or benevolent...but the obsession for that one lacking emotion drives me to search, understand and attempt to 'create' happy moments, however short-lived they might be. Of coz notwithstanding the fact tat bringing happiness, is also gratifying for both parties.

Maybe a lit foolish and distorted, but having the 'know-how' to bring bliss, I can reenact bliss again and again (?). I dunno... this is an unproportionate equation somehow. I believe you have to be happy first and foremost, then WILLINGLY (unconsiously?) pass it on to be deemed fit of 'unbirdled' joy. To purposefully make someone happy at the expense of one's own happiness (or vice versa) defeats the whole significance of 'being happy' somehow. But there aren't many instances when ALL are 100% happy in a situation...so happiness is a selfish emotion?

(I paused and pondered for a few minutes)

I think 'being happy' is selfish to an extent. When it's not self-gratifying, people are mostly apathetic or less empathetic to your happy state. E.g. :-

1. You are broke, I lend u money, I became broke, u r happy, I am not.
2. I obliged your invitation, you are happy, I am not.
3. I do your job, you get the credit, you are happy, I am not.
4. You have a new gf/toy/interest to contend with, you are happy, your ignored frens are not.
5. You shared stories on your wonderful life, my life sux, you are happy, I am not.
6. You got a face I would love to punch, I will be happy, I am sure you are not. Heh.


So when we say 'we wanna be happy', we actually mean we wanna be happy for ourselves only. When we say 'we are happy for you', it actually a polite formality since your 'happiness' doesn't really affect/concern/involve us.

Hmm. Do you still wanna be happy?

Diamonds are not forever.

Look I am not a miser. But there are better ways to spend the dough if finances are really tight. To refresh memory, click here for my previous post. For endorsement, click here.

Diamond suckers, keep on sucking. Bleah.

Keep walking.

I no longer bear the hallmark of youth.
No more pulsating beats, no more grasping breath, no more stolen heart.

Age has taken my innocence, mellowed my emotions and give me days in shades of blue. I miss the vibrant colours of adolescence, the carefree spirit of yester years, the carelessness of time...being conspicuous, pretentious and infantile. The smell of impulsiveness still lingers, but frequently fainted by a weaken mind. My eyes no longer chase fleeting scenes, only to realise that my world now, is never the one I thought I saw. While courting dreams and embracing hope like there were too many tomorrows, I forgotten to remind Time to run alit slower. Rampaged by the indulgence of selfish existence, my battered heart slowed to a tread. I have aged.

Wiser? Happier? More to come?

I have no clue. Time still choose to remain silent on the future, and you can only await Tomorrow to tell you more. The path taken shone no light on the journey ahead, and there is no retracing your steps...only to plough on and on and on.

Until your flame flicker off and take your final breath away.

志明与春娇

H]nW os 55IW !

志明 taught me this simple yet beautiful method of expression (I improvised alit from his version). It made me recall those days when we were still using pagers to send sweet-nothings...sigh! Sweet~

Weather was fine, I got my new speakers and watched a beautiful movie with them. Smoking, meeting strangers, becoming frens and falling in love, all in a week! I heart this moviee!

'I am free, and I am single'~志明 (on why he is not home yet.)

'We dun have to do everything in a night, we have plenty of time.'~志明 (when he just wanna cuddle 春娇 on the bed in a love motel)

'I smoke cos I haben find tat 'reason' to quit.'~春娇 (on why she is smoking when she is asthmatic)

春娇 :'What can I say when I dunno if you are serious?'
志明 :'I am serious.'
春娇 :'But you never say anything'
志明 :'I already did.'
春娇 :'When?'

And 志明 showed one of the smses he sent to 春娇.

n 55IW !


Sometimes love doesn't have to be spoken.

Formatting Mother Earth.

And here I am again, trying to write another post when I promised myself to sleep early. Sigh, me being me, pigs willl fly if Sam is obedient. Heh.

I seem to be moody again. Partly due to lingering worries, partly due to dwindling finances. I juz read some resolutions I listed early this year and realised I have accomplished none yet. With 4 months plus to go be4 the end of 2010, I think my resolutions are going to be fucked again. Wat a waste of time doing shit. Sigh!

I sometimes hope that Life takes on a miracle turn when I wake up the next day, or even suddenly having permanent amnesia is fine too. But then miracles mostly happen in movies... I think hoping for amnesia is so much more probable. I am constantly thinking and 'bothered' by stuffs, I hope my memory can crash for once and reboot. The 2 most apparent factors I can offer for my situation is 'not knowing what the heck am I doing wat I am doing' and 'not being to do what I wanna do'. THey really screw with your mind, cos perpectually finding reasons to justify 'why you muz do what you are doing', is like lying to yourself. Blatantly. What's the point of having the awareness that I should get out when I am consciously halted by reality?

A man with a half glass of water, can only drink this much. If you only have one mouthful left, live with the thirst.

I am definitely sore with people having the better packages in Life and still lamenting about their 'pathetic' situations. Fuck you. For you not only have a glass full of water, you can still choose the beverages you want. Your 'no money cos no work, yet going on trips'...'telling the whole world about your latest purchases/holidays/indulgences and still whinning about little setbacks'...and 'telling me how broke you are when you have savings/stocks/investments lying around' are a real pain to my ears. I would seriously consider butchering you to pieces and and scatter your remains all over if not for the legal implications. If you can't see the better-off position you are in, do yourself a favour and poke yourself blind in both eyes. At least you have an excuse for being a self-centered, uncontented, bloody idiot.

Facing the force and pressure of living in this materialistic society, I hate the lack of equilibrium in this system. I pray endlessly for a catastrophic occurrence to wipe out the difference in wealth, stature and living standards and revert all of us back to basic again. We can all hunt animals together and live in one big cave. ANd I can punch the shit out of you when you start spewing crap again.

Now, if only I can pull the plug and reboot the world.

Thinking of little XX.

I have this knack of always doing the wrong things at the wrong time.

1. When I am inside a crowded lift and suddenly I feel like farting.
2. Having an instant urge to shit when the nearest toilet is like miles away.
3. Getting ready to sleep and then turn on the lappie for a short surf. And ended up shacked the next working day.

Juz like now.

I came out from the shower at 1 +am, thinking maybe I shall juz have a fast glimspe of my FB. Then I tot a beer would be nice. And beer cannot go without nuts. A puff to top it all would be fantastic. Damnz I might as well blog...2 hours after that initial tot, I am still on the bloody lappie trying to finish this post, and wakie wakie is 5 hours away. Why I can't choose to blog on my 2 off days is beyond me. Maybe having a timeframe to hinder, makes me more concise in my blogging.

2 days passed like 2 hours, I didn't feel like I did lots of stuffs (basically I was catching up on sleep). But I did meet up with my 2 cuzzies and my sweet, beautiful niece, XX. Somehow, I 'fell in love' with XX the 1st time I met her and how I wish I have a lit gal of my own juz like her. Something in her eyes tell me that she is lonely...and as an only kid, it can only be more daunting to her situation. I did abit of catch up with XW and was saddened by her current plight. But much as I empathetize with XW, i worry more for XX. Kids are always the most innocent parties in disputes between parents. I went home thinking whether I can play a little part in XX's upbringing, and give her my care and concern as an uncle figure.  SIgh... My heart really goes out to little XX.

I have seen and heard too many unhappy marriages ending in divorces. What can happen along the way and diminish the love which binded initiatly, is unpredictable. No one wants to make a wrong choice and everyone hopes to be happy ever after. I am the result of the failed marriage of my parents and I grew up pining for a complete family. I am angry but I can't blame either of them, so I live with it. But I was sore, i was jealous of others and I still bear the hurt till now. And I am definitely fearful and skeptical of going into a marriage myself. I dun wish my kids to go thru what I had been thru.

From what i see, XW is a loving mum, and I am confident XX will be much blessed with her doting granddad and 2 sweet aunts caring for her. I jotted down XX's b'day and asked for her mobile number yesterday...I hope she is not too disturbed by my attention. I can't explain the affinity I feel towards XX, but if I can bring some happiness to her and see her grow into a fine, young lady someday, I would be so, so pleased.

Chasing 2010.

5 days passed in a frenzy and I have 2 off days creeping up after 12 am tomorrow.

It wasn't as taxing as I tot. Some loose ends were tied up, BIG boss from HQ was sent away happy and I lost a few pounds from missed lunches. 4 late nights and a weary body later, I survived to attempt another post (Though my brain is spacing out and I am yawning wildy like a safari lion). And then there's still this month-end report undone. Knn.

Seems like I can't find the right amount of dosage to fill a day. Too much work..I am pissed, too much time...and I am pissed too. Lacking of spontaneity is a recurring issue, my nature is simply too 'excitable' to compromise living out a planned and mundane routine. Problem is, the level of spontaneity is in direct proportion to your financial health and I am still as broke as church mouse...sigh! Responsibilities are reining in my pent-up frustrations with Life, work and people, and keeping me grounded against uncalled-for activities. I do feel like drinking half a gallon of beer, have some merry-making and punch some idiots in their faces or just lose my identity for a night! Simply salivating!

On a solemn note, I am preparing myself for the uncertainties ahead. Empirically-speaking, I am skeptical about the year ending on a flourish...but being 32 has brought about some much-needed maturity and significant changes, I do hope Life can be much kinder.

To quote loosely from a quote in 'Forest Gump', 'foolish is wat foolish does too'.
But sometimes being consciously foolish, can deter unnecessary sadness.

Presumed ignorance might be an acquired taste.

Was Sam ever your Sunshine?

I realised blogging got alit more intense in recent weeks.

Life is rather colourless at the moment, with work occupying a huge chunk of it. I am fatigued, restless and dying for a break in this monotonous routine. And I am proud I still have so much shits to churn out, guess my mental processor juz dunno when to stop!

I have been pondering about the effect(s) of my existence after reading one of Jason Mraz's posts. It dwelled on me that I have been more concerned and conscious of my surroundings and people having an influence on me, rather then the other way round. And I TOT I was empathetic all this while. I am juz another self-centered dude, blinded by my narrow mindness in deliberation and oblivious that some people are appreciating/disliking me, for being me.

Juz like having dinners or spending time with mum, webcaming with S, msning with R on my way to work, chatting with peeps online, smoking with P, hanging out with buds, doing a favour for anyone...my every action, every smile, every word....could have meant something to them. I might make their days, spoilt their moods but I am not insubstantial to their moments. I was there, I came and I affected them. Even if I can't relate much but I am sure I did make a difference somehow, for better or worse.

Esp those I unknowingly touched or brighten their days and became part of their moments. I apologise for lacking your sentiments towards our exchanges, or even being alit causal or indifferent at times...for I can never imagine a dork like me, can be your sunshine sometimes.

We can all be heros.

AG said aries are superheros. Or at least like to think of themselves as one.

I dun deny I grew up idolising Superman and his amazing super powers. I forgot the amount of times I tried to cape my mama's blouse behind my back and plunged off any raised heights. In fact, I am proud to have got so influenced by a fictional character, cos he embedded me with a strong moral compass which serves me till this very day. Superman was my epitome of power, righteousness and masculinity.

Of cos, less that red undies on the outside lah. After one tight slap for putting on my mum's knickers over my pyjamas one day.

I was borned fleet-footed, atheletic and competitive. I relished every opportunity to square off with the best. Coupled with a fiery temperament, I never back away from a preposition to challenge. Perhaps I was rather misled by my above-average attributes and started thinking I was invincible...and during those wayward years, I exhibited those physical prowess rather carelessly on the streets. Having 'powers' distorted my thoughts into feeling superior, and having the warped notion that absolutely nothing can ever hurt me, juz like my cherished Superman.

I must have been one big jerk of a troublemaker to my dear frens, cos I can't remember how many times I had compromised their safety by taking things into my own hands. I was never evil, but always too eager to dish out justice my own way. I haben lost a fight but I am sober enough now to know tat the day I do, it might cost me or a closed one's life. Power doesn't necessarily equates to violence (unless very necessary!) or pure brawl. It takes an intellectual and responsible brain to harness power to its best conductive capacity.

As quoted by Uncle Ben in Spiderman, 'With great power, comes great responsibility.'

And eventually I realised I dun have great powers, but that didn't hinder the awareness for more responsibilty. We dun have to be superheros to understand that we should be accountable for our actions. And sometimes by inflicting hurt, I inevitably cause more regrettable damage.

By living out our lives in the best, morally, socially-responsible manner and setting good examples, we are already heros in every sense. You dun need to fly to inspire, for the deeds that started from you and went on to infect another, are far more inspiring than any powers can muster.