For a change, change.

R sent me an email with an attachment document which she found in one of her old folders.

When I downloaded and read the contents, I was surprised to realise it was something I wrote and sent to her 10 years ago (?). It got me melancholic reminiscing careless days of youthful exuberance but also greatly shamed me to recognize that nothing much has been done since then.

I am still plagued and whinning about the same issues, haben stop smoking and still dreaming/talking instead of realising my aspirations. 10 years is a long time, mind you. Much as I find some solace that 'Sam' then and 'Sam' now still carries the same sets of principles, I am disheartened that Sam had lost 10 good years.

I haben spent a great deal of time reflecting on personal events like I did juz now. Maybe becoz most were so forgettable and regrettable, there aren't much worth recollecting. Some cherished moments are never to be repeated and significant people have long gone.What are left are fragments, which only remind what have been lost. I do feel like a man in denial, for failing to close the past chapters which linger and using nonchalance to hide my pain. My heart is heavy, knowing that some things will never come around twice.

I can't retract on deeds done or resow the seeds sown. I will live to regret that on hindsight, I could have done them better or differently. I have passed so many points in Life without setting any milestones, I think the heart has lost anticipation of better things to come. Days will become weeks, months, years and for all the optimissim I advocate, I am living the defeatist's life. And today I am alone becoz I believed I dun deserved anyone else, and my life is not meant to be spectacular, exciting or rewarding.

I have 'accepted' Fate. Or rather, I have pushed the blame to Fate. And I think it's time I make my own fate.

If I have really give up on myself, there wouldn't be any desire for Hope. Becoz I am still habouring a fightback...becoz there is still anguish at watever had happened...becoz I do wanna be a better man/son/buddy/lover.

Becoz Sam is still breathing. And destiny should always be in his own hands.

Dun let yourself down anymore, Sam.