Being wistful.

XL said I am pensive. P said I am dysphoric. Buddies think I am melancholic.

I dun think I am perpectually sad...but I alit more sombre these days. Maybe becoz I chose to refrain from overly-displays of exuberance to hide and protect my chain of thoughts, I ended up looking bothered and distant.

But I am definitely hoping, even though albeit hesitantly, of better things to come.

Experiences from disappointments and over-fetched expectations have taught me to desire with a tinge of vacillation. You can never be too sure and I dun wanna be too optimisstic, for the aftermath of an unacquitted anticipation could be too immerse to take. I chose to look at a cup half-empty, so that I can appreciate the cup half-full. By injecting slight pessimism into my daily life, I am more tolerable with setbacks, and less complacent of good fortunes.

I told P that everyone has a story to tell, has a past that reminds, which make us apprehensive towards what the future beholds. I was affected by my past which moulded me into the man I am today, but I dun dwell on it. I learnt and I move on. Whatever bad that had happened didn't kill me and I relish the chance to fight another day. Neither will I harp on those events and think that the world owns me a living. Some have it better, some have it worse, it's the brutal truth of Life. I might not make mine better than them, but I can make mine better for myself. And I will be thankful when/if that happens, or juz simply shrug my shoulders if it does not. C'est la vie.

If being wistful subdued my emotional displays, I would rather be misunderstood as sorrowful. FOr I know when Happiness hits me, the smile on my face is as genuine as can be.

In sanity OR insanity?

I can sit and ponder for hours, and then I realise I am actually doing a 'Q&A' session with myself.

I will wonder, ask questions, think about them, give answers, challenge them, reaccess the answers, convince myself and then wonder if I am convinced. This laborious process can go on and on until I expire the mental capacity to go on. And then I will continue again the next day and the next day and the next day...

And I am surprise my brain haven't malfunction yet. I might juz ended up one of the greatest philosophers of modern times or the most severe nutcases someday, but I can die assured knowing that I did utilized and expedited the (de)generation of my brain cells.

Metaphorically-speaking, I am like an insanely brilliant Picasso, who is also brilliantly insane. Such undoubted gift, yet at the same time cursed by the consequential talent is contraditory of the proclaimed genius' works.

For end of the day, it might not be a stroke of brilliance but rather, an expression of insanity.

When the sun was shining.

"You are my sunshine, my only sunshine,
you make me happy, when skies are grey..."

Such a simple song, such memories. Sometimes the simplest words or actions say the most.

It's such a blessing to have people who bother about your well-being, people who show acts of concern without hesitation, people who think about you without you realising, people who check on you from time to time.

To the people who never have to care but DO anyway, I thank you sincerely.

For it's my fortune to have met you and have you sparing me a portion of your precious time. My days are brighter, my heart is warmer and life becomes easier to soldier on. All of you are like angels, descending on this hapless soul in his darkest hours, and guided him home. Sam feels it, sam knows it and sam is very humbled because of it.

For this average man with average attributes, he is no more deserving than the other man in the street. As a boy, he was not spectacular. As a man, he leaves much to be desired. In return, he has none to offer...in appreciation, he will always remember.

But Sam is walking his own path. A path which one day, will makes him understand what his life is all about. A journey so unpredictable, so selfish, that he wishes no one will tag along. Until the day he finds his sun to light up this path, he will be walking it quietly, all alone. Until he is ready, he will be isolated. For he is in exile, for he needed nobody else. For the sunshine tat came before, casted a glow so glaring, he is still smarting in sad darkness.

But there's an inner child in him, and he craves for that fairy tale ending. When all well will ends well and people will live happily ever after.


"....you never know Dear, how much I miss you,
please don't take my sunhine away..."

Sometimes, some things are best kept somewhere deep inside.

If you know me well enough, you already have the answer to your question.

And Lenovo is her name.

The deed was done in less than 15 mins.
First store, nice sales person, best machine within my budget and I was sold.

I was rather surprised by the ease of selection (or rather my inadequate knowledge of computer stuffs which compromise my choices...) and the truth is, typing my first post on the brand new lappie, I am still wondering whether I got the best value for money. Specs-wise, it should serve me fine for the next 2 years (I am a cheapo and I am expecting 4 5 yrs...). 15 inch display, 8mb ram memory, 1G independent graphic card, blue-ray disc player..well I can't really complain.

But seriously,she's an ugly lappie.

Maybe it's has something to do with age (or maybe my deteriorating eyesight), asthetic concerns doesn't matter too much. I am still coming to terms with her high-glossed finish which leaves unsightly fingerprints and the non-tactile keypads. But I am sure I will grow to love her and appreciate her inner beauty over time.

At this moment, I am still struggling to figure out Window 7.
But watever it is, my virtual journey continues :)

For a change, change.

R sent me an email with an attachment document which she found in one of her old folders.

When I downloaded and read the contents, I was surprised to realise it was something I wrote and sent to her 10 years ago (?). It got me melancholic reminiscing careless days of youthful exuberance but also greatly shamed me to recognize that nothing much has been done since then.

I am still plagued and whinning about the same issues, haben stop smoking and still dreaming/talking instead of realising my aspirations. 10 years is a long time, mind you. Much as I find some solace that 'Sam' then and 'Sam' now still carries the same sets of principles, I am disheartened that Sam had lost 10 good years.

I haben spent a great deal of time reflecting on personal events like I did juz now. Maybe becoz most were so forgettable and regrettable, there aren't much worth recollecting. Some cherished moments are never to be repeated and significant people have long gone.What are left are fragments, which only remind what have been lost. I do feel like a man in denial, for failing to close the past chapters which linger and using nonchalance to hide my pain. My heart is heavy, knowing that some things will never come around twice.

I can't retract on deeds done or resow the seeds sown. I will live to regret that on hindsight, I could have done them better or differently. I have passed so many points in Life without setting any milestones, I think the heart has lost anticipation of better things to come. Days will become weeks, months, years and for all the optimissim I advocate, I am living the defeatist's life. And today I am alone becoz I believed I dun deserved anyone else, and my life is not meant to be spectacular, exciting or rewarding.

I have 'accepted' Fate. Or rather, I have pushed the blame to Fate. And I think it's time I make my own fate.

If I have really give up on myself, there wouldn't be any desire for Hope. Becoz I am still habouring a fightback...becoz there is still anguish at watever had happened...becoz I do wanna be a better man/son/buddy/lover.

Becoz Sam is still breathing. And destiny should always be in his own hands.

Dun let yourself down anymore, Sam.

Taking the leap.

How many times have you got a hunch, that you have to get something done?
How many times have you felt a vibe, that watever you are doing is right?
How many times have an intuition told you, that you juz have to do wat you have to do?

When eventually realised and justified, you are admired for that faith in premonition.
If you failed, you will be pronounce a fool for acting on that gut feeling.

The road less travelled is risky and arduous, let alone an unexplained, anomalous emotion. Some leapt...and got rewarded, some...plunged into the depth of wilderness. When all logic sense and school of thoughts get thrown out of the window, when there is no precedence to rely on, when all ethnical codes of conduct and moral values no longer govern or impede the growing desire...shall we still do it?

You are not alone, as there are many more out there facing similar dilemmas. But you are ALL ALONE, cos no one else can do it for you.

I have never come to terms with the evolving state of mankind. I hate the perceived 'rights' and 'wrongs' in this guarded society, I detest the need to be mainstreamed, to be judged 'normal', I stand up against the self-righteous powers of systematic rules, the false pretense of democracy hiding behind archaic, outdated traditons and cultures. I break free from the clutches of justification, ignore varying opinions and rebel.

Take that leap of faith, if you believe strongly enough. Sometimes in Life, we can't always be too certain before we act. Dare to dream and dreams might juz come true.

Afterall, it's your own life.

"He who loses money, loses much; he who loses a friend, loses much more; he who loses faith, loses all.

~Eleanor Roosevelt

Sam is not available now, pls leave a msg after the beep. Beep~

Words, seemed to have deserted me yet again.

I am badly in need of an extraordinary surprise to elevate my mundune mood. An imprompt holiday, a sudden reaction or a terrific incident. Anything at all. Cos days that passed left no mark and days that stretch ahead leave little for excitement. I am falling into a routined pathway of the mainstream working class and it's killing my zest for life. My speeches are so prefixed and choices of words so limited, I feel like a bloodly answering machine.

Q : Off ah?
Me : Work ler...xianz. shacked.

Q: Wanna meet for dinner/drink/kopi/watever?
Me : Nolah, tired...going back to sleep, tom work ler. Xianz.

Q : Wa so early wake up ah?
Me : Work ler..xianz. Tired..

Q : So free online?
Me : Work ler...knn. Xianz.

Knn. Basically my standard reply is not too difficult to anticipate and with words like 'knn', 'tired', 'xianz', 'shacked'...it's already implying the growing resistance to my current daily affairs. I dun dislike the aspects in the routine, but rather how the routine is boxing up my extention of involvement in other areas. Free time is such a luxury, I even have to make time to shit.

How do you trap a ram? You dun have to. When a ram is not raging, he is trapped. Give me some suspense at any expense and make it intense please!

Aries suffocate at the mere thought of normality and die of natural causes. We are like some action-packed movies filled with all the booms booms bangs! We are the Armageddons! We are the Spartans! We are natural disasters! We are loud and never boring! We are passionate and always urging! Love us or hate us, we are the extremes! But when we are none of the above, we are nothing. We become lambs for slaughter.
Bleahhhhh.

It's 552 am oredi and later work again ler. Bleahhh bleahhh.

Jack's wedding dinner.

It's was nice seeing cousins.
Esp xiao wei, xiao li and xiao tong.
Happy to see gugu and uncles too.

How the Goh extended family never really bonded the way we should be...I dunno.
Maybe fights from the previous generation took a toll on the current one.

I never like wedding dinners. Today was an exception.

Maybe we are family afterall.

yawn. pardon the inability to elaborate further. I am tired today. And at a loss of words.

I decided to make a post to remind myself that I really enjoyed meeting my folks.

The equation is incomplete without you and me.

In an ideal world, there should only be Love.

It pained my heart when people get on the wrong side of affections and animosities are formed. Differences are bound to be aplenty, but to the extent of prejudices, biasedness and total detachment? There's no winner here.

How long can a lifetime span, to weave webs of anguish and hatred? In the beautiful world, we live and let live. In the real world, we live to retailate. Shortchanged? Take back! Maligned? Fight back! Infringed?  Give back! Opposed? Fuck back!

I say... we better watch our backs.

Everyone of us is a part of the formula to the greater equation. There shouldn't only be you or me, nor you versus me. We are all but one of the huge equilibrium of existence.This world can't function with only SAMs! We need all the Toms, Dicks and Harrys too! For the greater good, for the greater deed.

Existence is self-indulgence. Co-existence is exemplary.

If there was only Adam in the garden of Eden, he would still be masterbating to the visuals of trees, animals and maybe his own reflection.

Make love, not war. Cos Life is seriously too short.

Quick Fix.

I miss writing for the past few days and was rather determined to clock some literal mileage until I decided to check my mailbox first. Bad mistake. Cos the fixed routine everytime my pc boots up goes like this :-

Check emails-->facebook-->twitter-->facebook->msn->fb>emails>news>blogs>news>fb>twitter>fb>fb>fb>fb...

By the time I am writing this, I am 2 hours after when I initiatly wanted to start, diverted from my intended content, drained and yawning. I have to admit FB is indeed intoxicating, or maybe my own life is so mundane, I am envying others' lifes subconsciously.

I have been occupied by work, and exhausted by its mental demands. I come home everyday, dress down, slump onto my fav sofa and pass out. Sometimes with saliva seeping out from the dry corner of my lips. Shift work is causing hassle to my life...either I can't find anyone to hang with or it's too late to hang by the time I knock off. It's even tough slotting in time for dinners, chills or haircut. When I have all the time on my off days, I silence every god damn alarms, blast the aircon and juz hibernate. OKay..I do watch lots of soccer too, it's the WOrld CUP people!! I am not displeased yet I dun wanna my time to revolve juz around work. I want to run, play some soccer, go ktvs, drink..watever. Routine stuffs juz make me sick and I hate feeling enslaved to any particular regime.

It gets worse when your close mates or friends suddenly seem to vanish overnight.

Seabass has happily (or foolishly) deserted brotherly duties to serve time with the woman he believes is Helen from Troy. Marche is searching for his Helen. Pilot is well..that monicker is self-explanatory. The last kaki left, chose to downgrade to a platonic relationship. The rest... let's juz say the chemistry is not too apparent for me to indulge or have agendas that differ greatly from mine.

And then you wonder why you even bother about these people.

I am finding it so much easier toking to the random taxi-drivers, stall-helpers or toilet cleaners. Cos when they engaged you during that short duration, there's no expectations, judgements or justifications and you tok about anything under the sun. You move on and both go back to watever they are doing. Simple and fuss-free.

Maybe terms like buddies and bros are overrated. Why should they even care? Why should I then?

Narcissistic delusion

Narcissist. <--- Read this for further elaboration.


Have you heard people who keep telling you what they have, what they can do, how they can do it and how much better they can be? I have met a couple and some can be really inspiring. They exude such sense of confidence, nothing seems impossible to achieve. They give me hope, strength and belief and they inspire me to be a fighter in times of adversity.

But what happen when the SAME people keep saying the same things over and over again without concrete actions? It makes me sick and I wonder what is stopping them to act on their talking. It took me awhile to realise that I am facing a narcissist. In two words, it means 'empty vessel'.

A narcissist has a huge ego to protect and is constantly painting an imaginery projection of himself to portray to others. He is more conscious than anyone about his flaws but instead of correcting himself, he diverted the responsibilites away. He believes he is always right, he can always do it better than anyone and he should be the benchmark instead. He wants to be taken seriously, he wants you to listen...yet he can't be told he is fucked. Google told me narcissistic people are masters of deceit. Indeed. They flatter to deceive so much that even themselves got blinded by their own acclaims and ended up victims of their own delusions. They can't afford comparisons which expose their lack of attributes/skills/talents and retaliated with empty promises, unendorsed claims and further deceptions. They believe they are too good to be fucked, too smart to be told off, too important to be wrote off.

Thank you and keep on believing.

Becos people like you allow people like me to futher enhance myself. You are a living specimen of an empty vessel. You are a constant reminder to everything I DO not wanna be. You show me how behaving inadequately/inappropriately/inconsistently can screw up my reputation and life. In retrospect, I am thankful that you came and gave me a hard lesson on conducting myself in the exact opposite manner of you.

It's people like you, who makes Sam the better man he is today. You deserve much credit for fucking up your own life to make me learn.

Thanks again.


P/s: Sam have shared more than enough of his time/concern/money to warrant giving the intended ones a piece of his mind. Sam is harsh, much as he can be loyal to his closed ones. Wake up for your own good.