Follow yr Heart; your brain can't live without it too.

Heard so many 'catch-22' stories recently.

"should I go...should i stay?..."
"should I try...or juz forget it?.."
"Maybe this can work out...or better not..."

Life is really weird sometimes. First, she gives us consiousness. Then the very same consiousness contradict or confuse us. Finally, we abandon that consiousness again.

"The happiest things in Life are simple. And the simplest things are juz right beside."

" A young boy came across a tree. He stood under her shade, in awed of her height and size...and left feeling intrigued by the mass of that tree. A decade later, he came and pointed at the same tree and commented it's an 'Angsana' tree...one of those trees with wide, spreading branches, thus the wide shade she casted, and her shade kept the temperature cool. Years passed and the 'now grown' man came and examined the same tree, and commented this Angsana tree must have been here for at least 40 yrs...judging from her deeply-etched roots and worn bark...he had learned that her leaves produced sap and her beautiful yellow flowers never last long enough for him to admire...and how the same flowers will form a carpet of yellow along the pavement the morning after. After 40 yrs, an ageing man saw the same tree. The tree which he stood under as a young boy....which left him in awed of her height and size....and the old man left....as intrigued as the first time he saw her..."

A simple yet meaningful story which never fails to remind me that life sometimes dun hav to be too complicated. Afterall, a tree is a tree. *smile*

Lonely yet not alone

Another long night. Sang my lungs out juz now.

I came out with this phase " alone but not lonely OR lonely yet not alone" years back. How adept is this remark now!

How many times have each one of us fall into a mood like tat?

I need conviction and connection.

I need someone to tell me I am alive, that I am missed...my existence matters to someone out there. I need someone to understand the turmoils I faced sometimes, someone to untangle my knots of confusion. Someone who might love me more than I love myself...someone who is my beacon of light, my source of strength and inspiration. Someone.

"Will there be a 'someone' like that?

No man come and go by himself. We co-exist to acknowledge each other presence...to make comparisons, to have competitions, to define intelligence, to differ beauty...then how can we feel lonely among men?

I think it's more of a physicality VS spirituality thingy.

"Willing is the flesh, but weak is the mind" ~ Sam G

I still sorting this one out, let's see how long I'll take.

Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde

Had an outburst today. A big one.

I dun even do that to my buddies or colleagues (not yet at least)...why did I shouted at my loved ones? I dun even do that to idiots.

Is it because I know they will always be there to tolerate my nonsense, for better or worse?
Is it because familiarity have breed contempt...and I have already taken them for granted?
Do I have to wait till all is too late before I finally wake up my bloodly idea?
Do I have to keep asking myself 'do I'?

My temper is legendary. I tot it was gone for good. Actually, it's all the while there...waiting...like a dormant volcano, juz waiting to spit her fury. My tolerance is definitely higher now, but still...I need to be better than this. No point apologizing when hurt is already inflicted. Not when this highly-toxic mouth of mine spewed words that cut right to the heart. I think 'sorry' is not even enough. I am MEAN when pissed. I think 'terrifying' is a better word. Where did all the logic, common sense, rationality go? What happen to the other sam?

thinking too much....thinking too much...and i am becoming Mr. Hyde.

I need to reassess myself.

Only time will tell

Another exhausting great run. Many tots and reflections.

Someone once told me that, juz because I treated him like a best fren, doesn't actually means He is a best fren to me. The younger me harped over this thought for months, I couldn't understand why the feelings are not mutual and reciprocative?

This kinda situation happened many more times after...with a fren, a love interest or juz anyone...anyone who dun really matters to me, but I DO matters to them or vice versa. I realised, sometimes no matter how hard you try to make that someone likes you, accepts you...it juz can't happen. Charmed is the one with a blessed life...one who is constantly well-liked, popular...the 'star' of the gang. And DAmned is the one who's not.

So I learned that it won't be mutual. And I started hating people who can't reciprocate.

But someone taught me one of Life's greatest lessons.

"For it is in giving that we receive." ~St. Francis of Assisi

(Nope. Not St. Francis who taugh me. I juz found his quote very appropriate tat's all!!)

Sometimes we really can derive much joy and happiness juz from giving. Try it yourself.

Forty Blinks, Two Ciggies and One Tot.

it's 6:40 am and I can't sleep. Again.

Rather cooling tuesday morning and I am still alert (it's going to be hell come later noon..).

An old pal added a new group in FB recently named "1994 Graduation Batch". And I am happy I get to see so many old frens that I haben seen for years...many have aged (not me!), have kids (not me!), grown fat (maybe me?...) and some still look as fab (definitely me!!).

Always nice to see familiar or old faces again...esp when I am halfway there.

I have always love to be around people, cos everyone have great stories to tell. I am always facsinated by tales of life experiences and love stories! Seeing all these old frens, reminded me of stories I have heard. Some stories were once part of me and maybe I was once part of someone's story. I am glad most are doing alrite, though 2 have since passed on and 1 is fighting for her life now. Hoped she will make it.

How many more stories to hear before I pass on myself?

All those angels in my life that once were, still are and will be....I only wish my sight would last long enough to see you, my hearing will be able to listen to your wonderful tales again and again.... and my memory will never fail me so that I can remember your beautiful faces and your stories.

So to all my beautiful *angels, GodSpeed.




*If you are wondering whether you are one of those angels, you are one already. *smile* cos seriously a devil wouldn't have bothered.

Almost there.

It's done. And I like it.

It's only a short 1:20 min song but it means much to me. Been like 10 years since I last wrote something?

Over and over again, I keep playing the chords on my piano. The feeling was one of great frustration...I can't find the right words to go with the tune. 6 days. I got it finally *smile*

And I wish to share this song with whoever is missing someone (when I know how to upload it here.)


15th sept 08 5:58 am. Sam will be back.

40 hours

It's been 40 hours since my last eyeshut. I am losing sleep again.



Hair is turning white faster than I can keep track. I might as well dye them ash grey and save myself the trouble of plucking...

Yet another day.

It's scary how a day passed juz like tat. (ok...i knew i slept half a day away....)

Another night of drinking. This is becoming routine and i am worried. I dun drink myself silly and do stupid stuffs. But i am enjoying the the moment when you are in between consciousness and drunkard state. When you are almost blurred and everything feels so light...so light...

I think I have never plan too far ahead all my life. I live day by day, and i hate routines, fixtures....anything that condone me to the grip of normality, I will resist. I dunno what tomorrow brings and I dun wish to know. I dun comform easily. and I dunno wat i want.

I am bearing a burden...a burden of wat? Life? Regulations? The musts and the don'ts? I am still searching and it's suffocating me. This very moment, I wish I can juz put everything aside and leave. Everything. Am I running away? Too timid to face the course of actions? Never!! Since when is an Aries timid?? This ram might have been leashed for too long. And he can't wait to fly again.

The Mind is indeed powerful. I am thinking too much and am struggling to maintain a sense of balance. Is it emotionally driven? I dunno!! i dunno....really...i am tired.

I need a rest. It's inside and I can feel it. I might not be able to control it for very long. Sam is fighting. Fighting Very hard to be alright. I have to be alright. I will be alright.

This is classic sammy at his best. He will allow himself to free-fall......all the way down to rock bottom and bounce right up again. He has done it before and he will do it again.

Breathe sam. Breathe.

Ramdom thoughts

Another long night. My precious long night. My mind is fresh and the brain is spewing tots faster than i can remember....

...I am enjoying the song on my blog (fallen), one of my top 10 fav...i can play it over and over again! No ones writes in my Cbox. Again. The movie i juz finished has a bitter-sweet ending and aaron kwok's acting is really good. Dunno if i can help adrain in any way....yang might still be awake........can marc win eunice's heart?....my brother is flying off this friday...going ktv with my mum and uncles this sat (first time!!) ...i think i am slightly slightly slimmer.....that was a lung-bursting hell of a run juz now...i am hungry..no dinner..only 5 am ...wat show should i watch next?...no red wine today, damn.... pissed...feeling good today actually...muz be the run!..i am hungry...mum is waking up soon...i wanna find out something but i think i shouldn't....maybe one zouk per week is good for the tummy? mebbe i should go over Baobei's place tom? ...think i will wake up at 6+pm...maybe find nic for kopi....huixian really wrote something about sebast in her friendster...i am hungry...breakfast...too bright by then...oh i think adrain wanna dine with me...i muz tell sebast wat huixian told me yesterday...maybe she dun enjoy chatting with me?...ok...blah blah blah blah...should i eat breakfast? maybe i can swim tom?!! i need to get my priorities straight!...syriah is leaving soon...damn it moby_low is not vincent?? think i will watch andy lau's show lah...

I juz love my long nites.

Run Sammy!!! Run!!

Been running again.

I promised myself it's time to lose some weight and have stronger lungs. When You CAN't even run fast enough to the toilet and ends up shitting your pants....something is seriously not right anymore.

I remembered how running used to be such a good stress-reliever, it always perked me up then when I am troubled. That's why i put on those pair of 'long-ignored' shoes and started pounding the pavement again. And I am troubled. Partly also because the legs have gone all jelly and the lungs just can't keep up anymore. I am flabbergasted by the deterioration of my once 'elite' fitness and i promised myself i will pick up where i left. I think I will get better than now.

kay...gotta run now. Haben really got lotsa pants to change you know.

Calmed.

"...he went towards the rose and drew in her heavenly scent, each breath as deep as the last. He couldn't venture further as her thorns are sharp, but he didn't want to anyway, for he was contented with the moment... A moment he will remember, where time couldn't surpass."

~The rose in Eden~

Imprints.

A man's lifetime is never enough to experience everything.

That's why we learn, get influence, get inspire or maybe juz remember that few someones who came by and left imprints in our lifes. No matter how huge or tiny, the prints shaped us into wat we are now.

I hope I did left a significant print somewhere...with someone. I dun need to be constantly remembered...maybe when that familiar tune sounds out again, I will be recalled.

I remembered my prints. Do you?

I miss rainy days.

There's hell lotsa rain today. And I love it.

Rain is when sam is brooding. Not sad. Juz brooding. I know it sounds weird...but i kinda like it when i am brooding, hovering close to being depressed. It exaggerated the feeling of despair and how fucked-up life is. When I snap out of this mood everytime, it never fails to remind me to count my blessings.

Is it a reminder of what I have OR what I will lose?

I dunno. I am afraid.

Maybe this ram is indeed ageing, the spontaneity have definitely mellowed. Maybe this is mid-life crisis. (I heard menopause is worse!!)

I was juz telling adrain we are constantly hiding behind veils of realism. The 'can do-s' and 'must do-s' is widening. Ah yang is already complaining, ' there he goes again...' I am not whinning. Just dun quite know the right set of protocols to apply anymore. The heart and head will never agree with one another.

Sighhhhhhhhhhh. Thankfully my red wine dun whines.



'i would love to miss you,
but i know it shouldn't be done.
But if i have not already did,
why i know i can't?'
~Sam G

Halt!!!

that's it. enough.

Crazy crazy world.

Sigh.