Sometimes there is no explanation to why we do the things we do.

1. Talking to yourself.
2. Drinking alone when you are already lonely.
3. Spending time scrolling thru your FB's frens' updates when their lifes dun really concern you.
4. One more puff when you are one cig away from a sorethroat.
5. Getting nervous and blushed in the presence of someone you dun really know.
6. Convincing yourself it's ok for that one more purchase/drink/taxi-trip/misc. when you know you are down to your last pennies.
7. Encouraging people to do the things you will never try to do.
8. Failed to speak to your parents nicely/patiently/softly everytime, no matter how many times you regretted it.
9. Taking taxis to work and get caught in a bloody jam when it's about the same travelling time as public trains.
10. Behaving consciously even when no one is really looking at you.
11. Reprimand others for the exact same flaws/mistakes you have/made.
12. Sucking in your tummy infront of the mirror when you know deep inside the tummy is still big.
13. Keep doing one-sided actions when the other boy/gal dun really bothers.
14. Sleeping late when you have to wake up early the next day.
15. Trying to pose your best shots when all your pictures will look the same to others. (It's still the same face, idiot.)
16. Clinging on to bad choices when it's easier to let go.
17. Getting disappointed/angry/disillusioned/sore about love when deep down you still craved Love.
18. Feeling good wearing your fav clothes/having a good hair day/having clearer skin/being richer etc. etc. when actually nothing much change, since yesterday.
19. Checking your mobile for smses/messages/replies when you know there is actually none.
20. Hoping everyone will likes you when you know it's never possible.
21. Dreaming that the guy/gal you fancy will SUDDENLY fall in love with you by dreaming about it.
22. Trying your best to fart softly and pretend to be innocent when the smell is a dead give-away.
23. Telling people you are sorry when you will repeat the same act.
24. Cover yourself under blanket and pretend that any ghosts will not see you.
25. Getting angry/upset/moody over a song/serial/post etc. when you know it's actually generic or not about you.
26. Struggling to keep awake writing this stupid post when I should be sleeping.
27. Still trying to write some more points when I should be sleeping.
28.
29.
30.

fools we can be, sometimes. hah.

In loving memory of Yanyan ~May 1998 - Apr 2010~

As always, lying comfy on my legs.

I heard about her condition and was prepared for the worst. Still, her eventual departure did not make my sadness any easier to take. I am never good with news of deaths, esp from closed ones. And Yan is a closed one. She is family.

I have always love dogs and I believe I will be a loving owner to one. But my mum's resistance to having a furry creature scrambling around the houshold, ceased all thoughts of becoming one. I have encountered a few...some pets of frens, some strays. They are always inquisitve, responsive and highly intelligent. And their eyes...always seem to be telling you something. I dunno if dogs are always best frens to man, but they are definitely faithful. They smell you, lick you and remember your kindness and love to them. And they always miss you, no matter how long you have been away. And it's maybe of this faithfulness I share and admire, I feel that dogs will always be loyal companions.

I met Yan somewhere in June 2005. She eyed my presence warily and treaded carefully around my feet. For all her receiving nature, she can never be too careful with strangers. But she is instinctively warm and receptive, her trusting personality overcame our initial awkwardness and soon after she was licking away at my palm. For a new boyfriend then, bought home to meet the gal's family, it was very unnerving but Yan gave me her first stamp of approval. Aunty must be pleased that her fav pet had endorsed this new member. And Yan indirectly helped foster the first pillars of the relationship that I would come to have with her lady master years after. I didn't had much interactions with dogs, let alone handle one. When Yan came over to lie on my legs for the first time, I decided that maybe, I should give her a head massage.

With her head on my calf, i started knealing Yan's head slowly, half wary of her liking towards this friendly gesture I adopted and regretting the choice I made already. Her eyes were half-closed, body was still. I stopped briefly and Yan opened her eyes, as if urging me to continue. I increased the intensity and she let out soft sighs of enjoyment. It must have been a queer sight, for a full-grown man to massage a small canine's head. My reputation as a 'man with nimble fingers' was cemented that night and my list of willing volunteers grew in the family. It was a great introduction and the rest, as always said, is history :)

I was to engaged her in this act of intimacy for the next 5 plus years, until recently. The last time I met her, she was frail and half of what I used to remembered her by. Yan is an aging 12 years O now. I knew her time was near and I knew she knew too. Her last struggle to greet me at the doorway will not be forgotten. I know she is going to a better place, and I know I will not be forgotten too.

Yan o...

Thank you for all the beautiful memories, thank you for being such a dearie, thank you for being there in some of my sweetest moments. I am sorry I haven't been able to accompany you till your last days and please pardon my absence in your times of needs. It has been my great fortune to have you graced my life with love and attention, and no matter where you are now, Korkor wish you much love and peace. Have a safe journey home, my little one.

you will be much missed.

love,

Korkor.

brooding.

I think I need a shrink.

I am growing detached from my environment and I am scared. I put on a facade everyday, doing things which I dun desire, moving around like an empty shell, devoid of self. What is myself? Where is myself? How should I be myself? I dunno myself anymore. I am compromising myself so that I can come to terms with people around me.

I see them happy, I see them sad. I wonder what is in their heads. I wonder what is in mine.

Sigh. Get me another drink.