Chapter 34

Sam is not dead, just very occupied by real life.

In retrospect.

I am relieved a knot has been undone.

Sometimes it's easier saying the truth than weaving a white lie which in my instance, backfired terribly. Luckily foolish me had a reprieve and thankfully wifey is magnanimous enough to pardon my stupidity. 

This is an episode I will learn from.

Many a times, we ponder and lay out the options before arriving at the eventual decision. Through different school of tots and self-justified reasoning, we choose wat we think is the best choice. But 'best' is subjective, and not necessarily acceptable to another. In deciding to apply, we have to be prepared for any consequential reprecussion. 

Having goodwill intent doesn't make a white lie whiter than a truth, even if the truth can be downright ugly or traumatic. 

Honesty is a viture, many said. But honesty requires courage, both from the confessor and recipient. It takes reasonable guts for one to say and the other to digest, all in faith tat the truth is for the bigger good. But sadly not many has tat capacity to embrace tat truth, for sometimes the truth is a challenge to principles, moral values and ethics. 

Tat's why some choose to lie, some choose lies. 

Wifey chose to be absolutely frank and upfront since day 1. I have never had such huge dosage of honesty thrusted upon me before. For all the emotional rollercoaster I went thru, Love ultimately won the day. 

With no pun intended, I honestly think she is one damn courageous woman. I could be loving a beautiful wife, living in the midst of beautiful lies, but she decided otherwise.

And she becomes more beautiful honestly, by being beautifully honest. 

Life, getting to know the unknown.

9 mths ago, I wouldn't have know the life I am having now.
9 mths from now, I am going to be a father.

Life, you juz never know where the next turn is going to bring you.

We all have our dreams, expectations and aspirations. And we have our doubts, fears and worries. How are all these factors going to affect us? How much are they going to drive or hinder us? How much do you need to take a step into the unknown?

We walk on nonetheless, making choices along the way. We live to find out, if tat choice is appropriate or regrettable...and we will walk on again, making choices once more. It's doesn't matter if it's a right or wrong decision, it's about making A DECISION. Tat's how we find out, tat's how we grow, tat's how memories are formed, tat's how lessons are learned.

Why fear, if all of us will reach the end eventually? Life is about making choices, getting to know the unknown. Why wait till it's too late, when the eventual end comes and you no longer have choices anymore?

Live to regret or regret to live?
I choose the former.

Regretting to live is a lifetime of sadness. Living to regret will only wisen you up to making better decision the next time. Regrets are bound to be aplenty for everyone of us. If only we had known earlier, no one will be making mistakes anymore. Then Life will not be Life, Life will juz be a prefixed routine in perfect working order. Life will be safe and mundane. No more expectations, beautiful memories, painful lessons, happiness or sadness. Life will be so dead.

If you are hesitant in comtemplating your next move, take a leap of faith. Maybe say a slient prayer but be brave to take tat step. Much as it could be a potentially regrettable episode, it could also be the best move you make your whole life. This unique journey of living, with twists and turns is exactly wat living is all about.

Everyone loves the perfect fairytale story. Even if ours are less than perfect along the way, we are still entitled to that beautiful fairytale ending.

And you gotta make tat 1st step.

LOVE.

A word that comprises so many different forms of understanding...a word so powerful, it has staked its place throughout history to grace the greatest stories, the most tragic of tales or the most foolish of acts.

Can we really grasp the full significance of Love?

Selfless..unconditional...undying...for better or worse...frequent proclaimations of love heard, but how many actually live by them? I see more selfishness and self-centeredness instead. How many actually place their love ones before themselves? How many of us actually bother how the other person feel instead of ourselves? How many of us really know wat's love is all about?

Love is like having tat person being the epicenter of your everything and vice versa. You practically live and die by it....an irrational willingness to submit your life completely to the unpredictability of Love's nature. A purveyor of  'true' love..or a realistic trader of requited love? Sigh. (My mentor always says 'Love is love and Love will be love'.)

Maybe only fools can live to tell the greatest love stories, since they are foolish enough to disregard logicality and justification.

Are you foolish enough to love?

Past tense, present tense.

Staring out the window, I hear chirping birds welcoming the day. The cool peace of morning beckons a fresh start...traces from the night before, all but buried with the passing of Time. This is the routine of Life, going ahead with no sympathy for our past. Memories reminded our deeds...though some choose to remember, some choose to forget. But there's no denying the imprints on Time, for she had been there to see. It's an irreversible mark on a lifeline. And it's not a death sentence. Every face conceals a journey with tales to spare.

You seek at your own discretion, some tales are not meant for the weak to listen. Harping on them does not change events from the past. Instead, you get swallowed by the brutality of honesty and lose yourself in the present.

The present will become a past once it's gone and I dun wan a lifetime of regrets.

Dun be silly anymore.

Connecting with REAL life.

I deleted my Facebook recently. Nope I didn't lose a limb, the world still spins and my life goes on.

I am getting more and more out of sync with the modern world. I can't understand the fixation on smart fones for most commuters taking public transport. I can't understand the constant need to refresh pages of FB, Tweeters to view updates. I can't understand the devotion to abuse your fone while having meals, while working, while having real concerns to be contended with. On the streets...in the lifts...in the offices...even in toilets...you see people enslaved by gadgets.

To add on to my 'bewilderment', I dun understand why they enjoy telling every mother's son you juz had the most expensive sushi in town, or your dog juz poo-ed on your sofa. Some even geo-tagged the exact location they are taking a dump. Juz becoz you are on my frens' list doesn't mean I am keen to know your daily bullshits, send me irritating invites to games/events/applications and flood me with snippets of your latest indulgence. Or stalk my profile, checking thru every corner of my virtual domain and assume you know me inside out from the links/pics/comments I posted. Seriously, 'poking' me won't earn you brownie points and I dun care if you 'unfriend' me becos you are pissed. I dun even bother if you are in a relationship with a hippo, as long as my facebook homepage doesn't show you making out with one.

Thanx but no thanx, but I think you should have a life.

I am sick with this obssessive dependence on these social networking platforms which is diluting the essence of real-time bonding. You dun make memories, build rapport, sustain a relationship by hiding behind a virtual personality. When the only connection you are bothered with, is the bandwidth from your provider...you are either one lonely techie rat or a pathetic, self-deluded dude who think having 3000 frens/followers is going to make you a mini superstar. All these interactive tools/advancements were created with noble intents but has sadly degenerated the basis of humanity. People are now contended with clicking their greetings/love/well-wishes in the shortest time to the widest reach possible. Declining birthrates, erosion of social grace/skills, burgling waistlines and failing eyesights are not a coincidence. These were the seeds sown from our own doings and we are going to be further penalised if we dun utilize them appropriately. But maybe the world is too blinded and steepd in oblivion to realise this anymore.

I am thankful to those who still care enough to catch up with me in person, especially my lovely darling who think the world of spending every single moment with me. I might not be as well-connected as you, but at least I dun spend hours accessing thousands megabytes of data and letting my existence by undermined by 'pokes', 'likes' and 'invites'.

Well, maybe you can try adding Mark Zuckerberg as fren instead. I am sure he dun mind getting poked by you.

Time.

默守相思难又难，
念念之苦满心堂，
盼日等到望明月，
爱佳永伴君身旁。

Time is heartless.

She is also impartial to whatever is happening around her. She juz go about her own pace, consistently, never missing a beat. We are all at her mercy, and she is deaf to all our pleas. She will juz go on and on, while we will follow. Every single entity and element have to abide to her pace, no more no less. Love her or loathe her, she doesn't care, for she has never been tainted by emotions. But she is wise...very wise indeed. She has a memory more far-stretched than you can imagine, and a deady accuracy for the future. She will tell you eventually when she has to...until then, you can only wait.

You can't fight Time and you can never win. For Time never stop, with or without you.

Time never needed anyone, we all need her instead. But she will never care.

Counting down 2010.

It's the time of the year when people pine for bonuses, yearn for a grand finale or holidays, or are simply excited about Xmaz and the ushering of the New year.

For me...I cultivated the habit of recollecting moments from the entire year, as I ponder if it is a fulfilled or wasted one.

2010 was a year of milestones. The demise of a relationship, the struggle between reality and ideals, the relocation of workplace, the tedious diffusion of unhappiness and anger, the unforseen promotion, the new-found responsibility and of cos, when I met you.

The year was anticipated to end on a quiet whimper until you came along and become the icing on the cake. At this very moment as I am writing this, I am still counting my blessings for each day spent with you. For all the little details, places, people that directly or indirectly connected to us, it's strange how we missed meeting each other until now. I would not have believe another person to be so effortlessly like-minded, if Fate didn't allow us tat chance. After weeks of logical/illogical reasoning, I finally gave up.

The time came, and here we are now. And I am thankful to have you make Life more beautiful.

Today, I breathe an air of happy defiance, for your existence totally endorsed the inner me that was deemed too wayward for the mainstream. Having you beside, put more leaps into my steps, sharpen my resolutions on Life and fill my heart with warmth. With you to embrace the love I am always craving for, I am finally at peace with the angst that shadowed me for years. With each closer steps to each other and another step ahead together, we are going to embark on the final journey. Truth be told, it's not going to be easy...but I believe the magical powers of Love is going to see us through.

Everything about you juz encapsulate me in this realm of fairyland. You are the tinkerbell in my Peter Pan's world, and we will fly as high as the sky will allow us. Together, we will witness the passing of Time...and dwell in our neverending story of fairytales.

Be alone no more my love, for my heart is yours to keep. Let our journey begins.

Home.

Do a google on the meaning of 'home' and you will be amazed there is over 20 definitions on this four-letter word.

Home. Wat's your definition?

The same word was mentioned twice to me by 2 different person and how contrasting was the empathy being felt. One was brutishly thrusted to my ears and indignantly shouted out 'This is my home! And You dun do as you like in my house!!" The other, was sweetly uttered while holding my hand and looking tenderly at me...'I have found my home.."

How the same word can aroused such opposing sentiments...

Home to me, is the place where love dwells...the place where loved ones gather...the place where you feel love, is being loved and find love. Home is the 1st place you wanna go back to nurse yourself, to busk in tender affections and the last place to shelter you, when all else goes wrong. Home is where your mind, heart, soul and body can be at complete ease, knowing that in this little domain, only closest ones can come in. Home is about acceptance and forgiveness, where no one's pride, ego, status is greater than the other...where only familar comfortability beckons, while the harshness of reality beats outside. Home is where you find your feet, to stand up everytime you fall, to recharge before returning to the world with renewed vigor. Home will always be the 'last man standing', impartial to all criticisms, judgements and biases.

For home is an emotional connection, rather than a phyiscal presence devoid of love, care and concern. No amount of fancy gadgets, furnishings and thick blankets can replace the warmth of a loving heart.

And home is you. Thank you for finding your home in me too.

*hugs*

GIve me some kisses and hugs tonight.

I feel terribly lonely.

On a cold night like now, even the warmth of the blanket cover can't do much to a sadden heart. Transience is for the ignorance, while the conscious ones lie awaken. Fatigue becomes a familiar companion, with the soul needing a desperate overhaul. It's on nights like this when the living is no different from the dead, breathing through an empty shell of a body. You search for a routine to hide behind but yet the mind wanders. When getting lost is no longer a phyiscal occurrence, rationale grinds to a stop.

Breathe, cos that's the only thing you can still do.

Breathe.

Me against the world.

When the going gets tough, the tough gets going.

The unfold of events in a single night will dampen even the strong. But not me. It only serve to reinforce my belief that no one is more dependable in this world other than yourself. With the deed done, I expired my tolerance for the need to live under the so-called 'acceptable' rules of the mainstream.

Hell with you, fuckers! Stop telling me your perceived value of rite and wrong! This is my own life!!

With the seeds sown, there's no turning back. I wouldn't planted my own seeds of destruction if I wasn't certain about wat I wanna do for myself. From now onwards, I couldn't care less about anything or anyone else but her. Hit me with your best shot. The day I stand again, I will return u many times the dosage, I swear my life on it.

Whoever is not with me, fuck off and leave me alone.

We are going for a long, long journey.

I am happy, ever since I found you, contrary to perceived perception.

Of cos, Love, is the ultimate rollercoaster with highs and lows with every twists and turns. What matters is the rite person with me on this ride..and I am thankful it's you. Days become more meaningful and priorities got realigned. Armed with a resolution in mind, I embarked on a journey, hoping to reach my eventual destination. Along the way, there are bound to be obstacles and hiccups, I keep my fingers cross that we will emerge stronger from such and last the distance.

I am not superman, professional liar nor fortune-teller.

I can't possibly forsee wat the future beholds, proclaim words of eternity, give empty promise of assurances or perform superhuman feats. I am as fearful, highly mindful of every steps and as hopful for fairy-tale's ending. I can be juz as beaten, down or lost every once in awhile...hurt and sadden by situations beyond my anticipation. And I do need you to be there, being my pillar of strength, juz like how I will be yours.

But I have faith. And your love to keep.

I have embraced the fact that this is one arduous journey that is going to stretch my capacities and resolves. And I am not going to give up on us until you do. If there's one regret I harbour, it's the thought that why did we meet each other only now. We could have done away with alot of our regrettable mistakes before. Sigh.

But you are here now anyway, and better late than never, isn't it? For even if Time was to rewind, I wouldn't have done anything differently.

Walk on with me, darling.

'If either of us fears mending broken heart,
I pray, till Death do us part.' ~ Sam G

下一站，幸福。

只要和你一起走，再多的辛苦，我也不怕。

Green-eyed.

Jealousy is a pain.

It instigates your mind to throw wild accussation at your beloved and set false alarm ringing. You lose sense of rationality and start doubting everything under the sun. Your mind keeps refreshing tat darned moment over and over again. Your pupils dilated, nostrils spewing imaginary fire and to match your raging emotion, your brain decided tat you juz hav to kill tat mother fucker.

Thankfully, better sense prevails and after some logical summarising, you realised you are juz a silly, silly boy. By doubting the situation, you are slapping yourself in the face. You wanted to be with her cos she is special and different from other gals, no? If you affirmed she is tat special and you already won her heart, why starts doubting your own judgement and credibility? Relax, dude.

Take a break. Breathe deep. Calm down.

Dun be silly, Sam.

Drowned.

Heavy. As if weighed down by a thousand tons. The heart, for once, lost its tenacity to pump.

Sunken legs dragged fallen body home. He was within proximity, but he couldn't send his goodbye kisses. His eyes would betray his concealed emotions and he knew he can never pretend a smile. He wanted to see her. He waited and got disappointed. She was so near, yet so far. They were 5 mins apart and he has to hurried himself away. Clutching the gift with defeated hands, it has to be another day.

His fingers spoke sadness at every stoke of his piano's keys. Listen...juz listen. For if he still remember how to weep, he would not have seek reprieve from his melodies. He bolted his door from within and hide, for the helplessness is back to haunt. The dreaded feeling came, more impactful than the last and almost drained his life away. He has to be stronger than this. He has to brace himself for the next hit. He didn't know his heart was so fragile.

Loneliness is a state of mind. Juz like now.

And his heart is still stinging from the fresh wound.

Love, game, set.

How do you play a game of tennis by yrself? Hit against the wall? Play against a tennis-ball spewing machine? Hit ball after ball into the wilderness?

When are you going to return serve and engage me further?

Love is selfish. Love can be selfless too. And I rather choose the latter.

Love should be unconditional...love should always be mutual. Why would you want the person you love to become the one you can love? Shouldn't you love her for wat she is? No point dictating her life, wat she can or cannot do, what you can do for her, what you have plan for the future...

Does she even want it at all? Have you ask wat she wanted at all?

End of the day, the so-called love for her...is it more like love for self? Becos you love to see her like this, becos you love to see her like tat...does she even love tat at all?

I think it all boils down to the person. Do you love being yrself or love being the person the other can love?

I would love you to be you, so tat I can love being myself to love you.

You, you and you

Love. Always at the swinging extremes.

But I am loving it. For if you can't feel the most extreme pain, how do you cherish the sweetest love? It's all part of the package I guess. I dunno wat tomorrow brings. And I dun wanna know. Wat really matters is now.

Although I long for so much more, it's not within my control. I grasp today as if it's my last, and I count my blessings if Tomorrow do comes again. Life is so short and unpredictable, why worry over the intangibles?

How often do you meet someone with spectacular chemistry effortlessly? Sometimes not even in a lifetime.

It all started from an initial feeling of probability which manifested into reality. I still need to slap myself hard a few times to know this is not juz my imagination. You are here, juz right beside and irregardless of the short duration we had with each other, I already believe we were destined to cross paths. Whether I'll see you at the finishing point is not important...cos as on now, we will walk together. The day comes if either one of us is to depart prematurely, we should be much consoled that we were ever on the same journey before.

With faith, we will carry on. With mutual love, things can't go wrong.

And I love u so, so much.

I regretted meeting you onli now, but I might not have your heart if we were to meet earlier. Everything in Life has the right time and place at the right moment. If both of us didn't travel the paths we did then, we might never, ever have each other today.

I can already picture you old, fat and wrinkled. And I will still be loving you.

Be the olive mama in my life pls. *hugs*

Lost and found, lost and found again.

I look forward to seeing you everyday, reading your new smses, hearing your voice, the things we can be doing together...

But is it juz wishful thinking on my end?

Until you are sure, I can never be assured. I dread the feeling of waking up to news which are going to derail the journey which we are embarking on. As I am waiting rite here for your call now, I wonder if your call is ever going to come...even if it does, what are u going to say on the other end? I hate myself whenever you are tormented..again and again...look what my love has done to you? Will you be happier if I have never appear? Are you so used to the life before me that subconsciously, you are hesitant to change? Should I juz...go silently and return you to the life you were having before?

I am juz as affected whenever you slump back to your uncertainties. I am new, I have nothing much to offer, I can't even do half of wat he used to do. I always believe Love should be the fundamental of any relationship. Cos with Love, everything is attainable and nothing else matters. I have no doubts your desire to be together is as strong as mine, but your constant waivering due to guilt, fear and panic are not doing us a favour. I will be there, as long as u want me to. But assure me too, for I am only a man, who also needs your strength to keep on going.

Don't keep me waiting. Don't keep going back to your past anymore.

Like I say, when I dun cry, it doesn't mean I am not hurt. It only makes the pain more unbearable.

For whom the bell toasts.

And so a new chapter officially begins.

After bouts of unpleasantries, the dust finally, gradually settled. Speculations are still rife, but I am no longer wary of rumour mongerings. It's my life and I am living to tell my story. Tell mine to live for all I care, it's not going to make any difference in my choices. I am as clueless as anyone...but while I have faith, the rest have doubts and malice. Suit yourself, your 2 cents' worth is juz tat.

I am tired. Tired from all the happy moments spent, yet strangely revitalized. Time seems so short when you are in love and days passed like hours. You am juz happily lost in the labyrinth of passionate indulgence, when all that matters, are only the two of you. You hear only her voice, you see only her presence and all you can think of, is her and her only. You disregard conformity, you abandon rationale and you challenge the reins of social red tape. Only your own set of rules matter. Only her matters.

The time will come when you will be accredited with great foresight or plain foolishness. But until then, make a choice, do it and suck up the consequences! You only live once...going to heaven or hell is secondary.

At least, you know you have lived the life you always wanted.

There can only be one.

I am helpless.

Seems like you dun juz exist for yrself, isn't it? No matter how hard you try to breakaway from the shackles of Life, you are always tied down by reality. Maybe I haben done enough, maybe I pale in comparison, maybe I am juz sadly, the unfinished article.

I dun wanna give up, not without a fighting chance. But I have hit a plateau and unable to proceed further...until you make a choice. I waited and waited..how long more are we going to stay hanging like this? If guilt is the biggest reason and you are unwilling to subsitite that with happiness and love, I will respect your call.

There will never be an ideal situation. If you have to hurt someone, then let it be me.

Juzt promise me you will be happy after that.