2021 - Going 43

And the sky looks beautiful. The tranquility and peace of early Sunday morning.

All it takes was a moment,

When he saw the same sky he seen as a boy.

Actually it hasn’t been forgotten,

The boy that is just lying dormant.

Life at 39, going 40

39.
Time flies.
Fatter, yes
More greys, yes
Less mobile and creaking knees, yes.
But none the wiser.

Life, as it is, gives you one big middle finger when you think you have seen it all.

If only I am cold and heartless, it could be so much easier to bear.

A deep sigh, another cigarette, and Life wins once more.

I dunno.

Maybe it’s better not to know.

We need a reboot

Evil.
Cold.
Fools.
Fights.
Bullies.
Cruelty.
Sarcasm.
Egoistic.
Bastards.
Wayward.
Apathetic.
Delusional.
Impatience.
Selfishness.
Promiscuous.
Individualistic.
Self righteousness.

We are surrounded by trash.
We have no more compassion.
For all our advancements, virtues have receded.
We are nothing more than hollow shells,
Entrapped, enslaved, consumed by blind greed.
A greed so manifested, we lost our moral consicousness.

It is suffocating.
Living is a pain.

We are sowing the seeds of darkness.
Time silently stares.
The end will come.
For us.
Always.

I will be free from you.
Eventually.

The rights of wrongs

Everyone wants to be right. Or think they are right. Or hope to be right most of the time.

Who wants to be wrong, unless ignorant or intentional?

In our world of meritocracy, social/moral values, mainstream perceptions...we have to be more right than wrong, isn't it?

But is that 'right', right for you?

Are you alright with living a life of 'right'?

It seems warped, insensitive, maybe even immoral at times.

The sense of guilt, shame, despair from being wrong in the eyes of many others.

But the idea of being right is the precedence of results mostly from others' pasts. We see the consequences and deem their choices wrong...for them.

And we take reference of their experiences to right our own wrongs.

Easy. And save us the unnecessary trouble and time.

But how do you know their 'right' is right for you? How to know a 'right' if there are no 'wrongs'? How do you know the perceived 'wrong' won't be right for you? Do you have the courage to be wrong then? Can we be allowed to be wrong then?

For the stability of the 'common good' (another social indicator), we cant't.

And if we believe that, is it right or wrong for you?

Sorry Sam

I fart. Blurp. Snore. And more farts.
I have evil tots.
I would love to kill people I detest..
Or hurt them so badly that it is worse than death.
It's tiring to behave properly, speak properly, live properly.
I struggle with my values sometimes.
I am softer than I actually look.
I would love to do things my way, break rules and care shit about the consequences.

But I can't. Or rather I try very, very hard not to.

I bear the expectations of many, am the pillar for some and the nemesis of a few.

I can't fail.

And I am sorry you can't, Sam.

I am sorry you have to bottle everything within.

I am sorry that sometimes I don't like being Sam.

Sorry.

I am a Toys"R"Us kid. And Happy 38th Birthday, Sam.

Age. Aged. Old age.

My knees creak. My waist too thick to spin. Lesser hair. Heavyweight, heavier commitments.

Reality takes away the exuberance, responsibilities shape your demeanor, priorities compromise our choices.

'There's always a kid in there, no matter how old the man'

Is there really?

In a faraway land of unfamiliarity and bodies wrapped under warm coats...where pulsating beats worked up perspiration and evaporated against the night coldness, we all felt young once more.

The moves. The laughter. The alcohol. The smell. The closesness.

Like the fleeting display of beautiful fireworks...captivating till the last light flickered out.

All were drowned by the moment, drawn in by the euphoria that seemed eternal, and we were children again.

But Time goes on, and never comes around. I can never be young anymore.

There's always a kid in there, the one that dreams and dares.

But he will always be in there, no more out there.

Happy Birthday, Sam.

The lack of money is the root of all evil.  ~ Mark Twain

Money, not morality, is the principle commerce of civilized nations. ~ Thomas Jefferson

There is only one class in the community that thinks more about money than the rich, and that is the poor. The poor can think of nothing else.  ~Oscar Wilde
 
A man is usually more careful of his money than he is of his principles. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

Introspection

Things go wrong. Screw-ups. Cheated. Failed relationships. Sorry states etc. etc...

When unfortunate stuffs happen one time too many, it's a case of misfortune, victimisation or just plain bad luck?

Everyone of us will have our share of ups and downs, that's Life. But if history keeps repeating itself and we keep finding ourselves in bad situations again and again, I think we need to take a better look at ourselves and reflect. Maybe you are too stubborn everytime, maybe you are too much of a careless risk-taker, maybe you are too insistent in your own beliefs, maybe you are too temperamental, maybe you are too naive...maybe maybe maybe...

Maybe you have a problem.

We are uniquely different, with strengths and flaws aplenty. And differences can complement or breeds friction. I believe we should have adequate self-reflection from time to time and ask ourselves if a problem arises due to external factors or self-instigated. With the capacity to exercise introspection and the willingness to learn and discover more about ourselves on our fundamental natures, essences and beliefs, we can moderate the probability of events turning out for the worse. It requires effort, conscious deliberation and an awareness for consequential actions to minimise or resolve conflicts and undesirable situations.

You are the master of your own destiny and you live with the consequences of your choices. You are what you want to be and no one owns you a living. Instead of asking/blaming/whinning why bad situations seem to fancy you, maybe you should wonder why it is always you and not anyone else.

Stop being a victim to yourself.

Self-discovery

Small indulgences which I took for granted before, are unaffordable now and maybe, soon to be forgotton. It takes some getting used to, with shifting perspectives on Life.

Hobbies are being negotiated for new responsibilities and personal pleasures/habits are being compromised. I am conscious that living a married life, requires a certain degree of sacrifice, understanding and acceptance. There's no more place for individualism and the general well-being of the family must be considered. My ideology of self has since fallen down the pecking order of priorities. I am not only adapting to my new role, I am also redefining the value of self and seeking my identity in this current capacity.

First and foremost, I wanna be happy. I always believe this is wat everyone deserves, and we have a choice to be so. Every action or decision should sustain, if not elevate happiness for a better well-being. Substantial sensibility and responsibility are needed to attain appropriate action/decision in achieving tat. Ironically, to be happy with self also means you have to be happy with others and vice versa. In summary, 'being happy' is not only an individual act of intent. It is a concerted effort of those involved, be it a couple, a family or a work force.

But how do we make 2 unique individuals, with different personality/preference, happy together? Throw in 2-3 more characters and the situation gets even more feisty. I am learning in this steep curve of discovery tat this is an extremely challenging process. Though there is no idiot's guide in getting around the complexities of human relationship other than being hands on, it's not exactly rocket science either. I personally feel, the baseline is to have the willingness to make better and exercise the flexibility to adopt or adapt. Most importantly, this sentiment has to be mutual. It's futile when only one party is catering, while the other juz receive; it takes 2 to tango.

It's definitely a delicate task finding common ground to tread on, in the midst of assorted personalities. I am trying my very best to accomodate without losing my own identity. Co-existence requires mutual respect, tolerance and understanding. It is also a journey of discovery to know yourself and each other better.

And hopefully, with happiness as the icing on the cake.

In retrospect.

I am relieved a knot has been undone.

Sometimes it's easier saying the truth than weaving a white lie which in my instance, backfired terribly. Luckily foolish me had a reprieve and thankfully wifey is magnanimous enough to pardon my stupidity. 

This is an episode I will learn from.

Many a times, we ponder and lay out the options before arriving at the eventual decision. Through different school of tots and self-justified reasoning, we choose wat we think is the best choice. But 'best' is subjective, and not necessarily acceptable to another. In deciding to apply, we have to be prepared for any consequential reprecussion. 

Having goodwill intent doesn't make a white lie whiter than a truth, even if the truth can be downright ugly or traumatic. 

Honesty is a viture, many said. But honesty requires courage, both from the confessor and recipient. It takes reasonable guts for one to say and the other to digest, all in faith tat the truth is for the bigger good. But sadly not many has tat capacity to embrace tat truth, for sometimes the truth is a challenge to principles, moral values and ethics. 

Tat's why some choose to lie, some choose lies. 

Wifey chose to be absolutely frank and upfront since day 1. I have never had such huge dosage of honesty thrusted upon me before. For all the emotional rollercoaster I went thru, Love ultimately won the day. 

With no pun intended, I honestly think she is one damn courageous woman. I could be loving a beautiful wife, living in the midst of beautiful lies, but she decided otherwise.

And she becomes more beautiful honestly, by being beautifully honest. 

Life, getting to know the unknown.

9 mths ago, I wouldn't have know the life I am having now.
9 mths from now, I am going to be a father.

Life, you juz never know where the next turn is going to bring you.

We all have our dreams, expectations and aspirations. And we have our doubts, fears and worries. How are all these factors going to affect us? How much are they going to drive or hinder us? How much do you need to take a step into the unknown?

We walk on nonetheless, making choices along the way. We live to find out, if tat choice is appropriate or regrettable...and we will walk on again, making choices once more. It's doesn't matter if it's a right or wrong decision, it's about making A DECISION. Tat's how we find out, tat's how we grow, tat's how memories are formed, tat's how lessons are learned.

Why fear, if all of us will reach the end eventually? Life is about making choices, getting to know the unknown. Why wait till it's too late, when the eventual end comes and you no longer have choices anymore?

Live to regret or regret to live?
I choose the former.

Regretting to live is a lifetime of sadness. Living to regret will only wisen you up to making better decision the next time. Regrets are bound to be aplenty for everyone of us. If only we had known earlier, no one will be making mistakes anymore. Then Life will not be Life, Life will juz be a prefixed routine in perfect working order. Life will be safe and mundane. No more expectations, beautiful memories, painful lessons, happiness or sadness. Life will be so dead.

If you are hesitant in comtemplating your next move, take a leap of faith. Maybe say a slient prayer but be brave to take tat step. Much as it could be a potentially regrettable episode, it could also be the best move you make your whole life. This unique journey of living, with twists and turns is exactly wat living is all about.

Everyone loves the perfect fairytale story. Even if ours are less than perfect along the way, we are still entitled to that beautiful fairytale ending.

And you gotta make tat 1st step.

Believing the belief.

Life muz be a perpectual prankster with wicked humour to boot.
How else can I explain the quick succession of difficulties, right after every relief arrives?

I dun hold great ambition or attempt lofy achievement. I am juz a normal man, trying to live a normal life in a normal manner...with my best efforts.

The events I am going through now will not stand in good stead with most. I have defy most conventional practices in my pursuit of Love and Happiness. I have been rendered irrational, nonchalant to social acceptance and lost. No one will understand the faith and belief I hold in my insistence to keep walking this journey. It's not easy and you dun need a genius to attest to that.

But it's a journey never meant for the weak-willed anyway. And I am brave, Love will keep me going.

It's nothing wrong to judge, to shun away, to criticise. It's juz too easy to do all that. And I do not need endorsers to tell me I am right. I made a choice and I am standing by it. And watever comes, so be it. If Life decided to fire me her best shot, I will try my best to return serve. And I will die trying.

If there's one belief that has never waiver all these years, it is Love. Love makes me happy and sad. Love makes me feel alive and worse than death. Love offers much and steals everything. Love makes me complete. Love will not fail me. And I found her.

She will be my wife and the mother of my child. Period.

Sometimes you juz gotta believe. Even when odds are stacked against you. Then you won't juz have a life.

You live it.

Life revisited

Life could have been different. But then again, Life is already different.

Sometimes we are juz prisoners of our own dreams and ideals, chained down by the chase for perfection. the younger you are, the harder you chase...the older you become, the further your dreams get. You sober up eventually, older but none the wiser and Life still kick your butt as always.

Dreams do come true, and fairytales do exist. The only problem is there are simply too many of us, too different and unique as a single individual to be chasing the same thing. Dreams are like fingerprints, available to all but special only to you. One man's dream might juz be another's nightmare.

Thus, idealism is a lonely affair.


Living can be happier with alit contentment, acceptance and realisation. Reality has to be buffered in. Perhaps, only fools can dream all day long.  

But Life suffer no fools. Sooner or later, we all submit to her rules.

Sigh.

Another day, another year.

I hardly mention anything about this particular day here. Maybe the novelty of celebrations has worn off...or maybe some events aren't worth mentioning anymore. Anyway it's juz another day and Life goes on.

Phyiscally, I do feel MUCH older..hip-twisting and back breaking maneuvers had long been relegated to memories. I lost much weight though, and it feels weird to be wearing pants or shorts which have deserted me years back. There is still as much angst, albeit with better restrain. Other than thinner hair, prominent crows' feet and softer muscles, nothing change. I am still very much me.

Generally, I feel fine. And I have her, which makes me happy.

Ideally, I wish Life could have been closer to expectation...sigh. Tat's Life.

Duh.

Happy B'day Sam.

LOVE.

A word that comprises so many different forms of understanding...a word so powerful, it has staked its place throughout history to grace the greatest stories, the most tragic of tales or the most foolish of acts.

Can we really grasp the full significance of Love?

Selfless..unconditional...undying...for better or worse...frequent proclaimations of love heard, but how many actually live by them? I see more selfishness and self-centeredness instead. How many actually place their love ones before themselves? How many of us actually bother how the other person feel instead of ourselves? How many of us really know wat's love is all about?

Love is like having tat person being the epicenter of your everything and vice versa. You practically live and die by it....an irrational willingness to submit your life completely to the unpredictability of Love's nature. A purveyor of  'true' love..or a realistic trader of requited love? Sigh. (My mentor always says 'Love is love and Love will be love'.)

Maybe only fools can live to tell the greatest love stories, since they are foolish enough to disregard logicality and justification.

Are you foolish enough to love?

Ghosts

You are so haunted by fragments of truth, delibrate ignorance can't help anymore.

They are everywhere, aren't they?

Persistent shadows lurking among your memory, waiting to pounce on your disturbed mind. You can't fight them at all...the harder you try, the more they are going to choke you. Traces of past left their footprints silently, but your sensitivity manifested them into your worse nightmares. The mind screams for a reprieve, begging happiness to stop it from wandering.

But the ghosts are everywhere. And they remind you from time to time.

You can do nothing about it. You can't kill ghosts. They are long dead and buried, tucked away with Time. But they are trapped within yourself, you allow them to live on and allow yourself to wallow in their shadows. And they will not spare you any mercy.

They are everywhere. You can run, but you can never hide. And they are going to make your life a living hell.

Soon you will be a ghost yourself. Soon.

Delirium.

Delirium is sudden severe confusion and rapid changes in brain function that occur with physical or mental illness.

I wonder if I am edging towards mental dysfunction.

For all I know, I might juz be hanging by my last ounce of sanity. I move between various state of minds and experience drastic mood swings so frequently, I am losing sense of my identity. I feel the lurking devil within growing...instigating me to unleash the violence capped inside. I vision scenes of me killing people and actually feel good about it. Their pain comfort me and I love the sight of their blood draining them lifeless slowly. It is so real. I can almost smell their blood on my hands.

But no. It's juz another dreadful dream. I wake up sometimes and shrudder at the thought of myself becoming a monster. Is that me? Is that what my subconscious secretly wanted to do?

I am upset definitely, by the injustice of Life to befall some...while allowing some to get away. My righteousness is warped by the inconsistency of this flawed system, prompting me to dish out 'justice' on my perceived value. In my system, it's very simple. Either you are alive or you are dead, and many of us do not deserve to live at this moment. I will pardon or condemn you according to my values. I will melt out a punishment so severe, you wish you were dead. But I will keep you juz alive, so that you can go thru pain again and again.

Scary? Yes. Sadistic? No. It's the least some of these bastards deserve. Perverse? Yes. And it's very disturbing.

No one is greater than the law and killing bastards doesn't relieve me of a criminal offence. I can't endorse my motives based on the disliking for those people. Maybe that's why those recurring dreams. Becos only in this virtual realm, can my sinful deeds be accomodated and sentence those on my death list to living hell. Only by reenacting these gory dreams, will my frustrations be contained under a rational lid.

But it's so, so dangerous. There's no knowing when/how this lid will open.

Past tense, present tense.

Staring out the window, I hear chirping birds welcoming the day. The cool peace of morning beckons a fresh start...traces from the night before, all but buried with the passing of Time. This is the routine of Life, going ahead with no sympathy for our past. Memories reminded our deeds...though some choose to remember, some choose to forget. But there's no denying the imprints on Time, for she had been there to see. It's an irreversible mark on a lifeline. And it's not a death sentence. Every face conceals a journey with tales to spare.

You seek at your own discretion, some tales are not meant for the weak to listen. Harping on them does not change events from the past. Instead, you get swallowed by the brutality of honesty and lose yourself in the present.

The present will become a past once it's gone and I dun wan a lifetime of regrets.

Dun be silly anymore.

Connecting with REAL life.

I deleted my Facebook recently. Nope I didn't lose a limb, the world still spins and my life goes on.

I am getting more and more out of sync with the modern world. I can't understand the fixation on smart fones for most commuters taking public transport. I can't understand the constant need to refresh pages of FB, Tweeters to view updates. I can't understand the devotion to abuse your fone while having meals, while working, while having real concerns to be contended with. On the streets...in the lifts...in the offices...even in toilets...you see people enslaved by gadgets.

To add on to my 'bewilderment', I dun understand why they enjoy telling every mother's son you juz had the most expensive sushi in town, or your dog juz poo-ed on your sofa. Some even geo-tagged the exact location they are taking a dump. Juz becoz you are on my frens' list doesn't mean I am keen to know your daily bullshits, send me irritating invites to games/events/applications and flood me with snippets of your latest indulgence. Or stalk my profile, checking thru every corner of my virtual domain and assume you know me inside out from the links/pics/comments I posted. Seriously, 'poking' me won't earn you brownie points and I dun care if you 'unfriend' me becos you are pissed. I dun even bother if you are in a relationship with a hippo, as long as my facebook homepage doesn't show you making out with one.

Thanx but no thanx, but I think you should have a life.

I am sick with this obssessive dependence on these social networking platforms which is diluting the essence of real-time bonding. You dun make memories, build rapport, sustain a relationship by hiding behind a virtual personality. When the only connection you are bothered with, is the bandwidth from your provider...you are either one lonely techie rat or a pathetic, self-deluded dude who think having 3000 frens/followers is going to make you a mini superstar. All these interactive tools/advancements were created with noble intents but has sadly degenerated the basis of humanity. People are now contended with clicking their greetings/love/well-wishes in the shortest time to the widest reach possible. Declining birthrates, erosion of social grace/skills, burgling waistlines and failing eyesights are not a coincidence. These were the seeds sown from our own doings and we are going to be further penalised if we dun utilize them appropriately. But maybe the world is too blinded and steepd in oblivion to realise this anymore.

I am thankful to those who still care enough to catch up with me in person, especially my lovely darling who think the world of spending every single moment with me. I might not be as well-connected as you, but at least I dun spend hours accessing thousands megabytes of data and letting my existence by undermined by 'pokes', 'likes' and 'invites'.

Well, maybe you can try adding Mark Zuckerberg as fren instead. I am sure he dun mind getting poked by you.

A B C

I didn't know when it came and I didn't realise when it went away.

The fervor towards beautiful expressions with incisive words faltered without any whimper. I am aghast by my unconscious desertion of literacy writing, which has immersed me in great joy to encompass a more inclusive and expansive perspective of my thoughts.

I thought the act of writing itself, is sufficient to gain proficiency.

Until I can no longer summon better words from a dwindling collection of vocabulary (with a much-strained brain to match), only did I realise that practice do INDEED makes perfect...BUT the wrong practice makes it permanent.

I seriously need to write seriously again.

*Words do not have to be extravagant to be understood. It's more like conjucting them in the best possible manner to create a mental visual or describe a particular sentiment. Thoughts that are written as intimately as possible, do convey and highlight the emotion felt during composing. By literalising my thoughts, I relieve the need to be heard, to be understood or compensate for the tiring pretense to be obligatory. Always express, never impress.