To whom it may concern

I struggled to convince myself I should be writing, maybe juz alit bit, juz to keep the post date jumping. And I am still struggling with what to write.

Hmm.

Becoz there are too many random tots to string together with relevance, becoz I dun wish to dwell on some of them and be bothered, becoz some things are better off not being mentioned. Ok, let's see how far I can go from here by 'free wheeling'.

Some things NEVER change, isn't it? Juz like your precarious choice of living. Juz like how I still hang around you, who seriously dun deserve much empathy from me. Cos I wanna save a 'fallen soul'? Cos I own you a living? Or am I juz a bloody idiot for letting you disappointing me over and over again? Maybe I still have some faith in you..maybe I dun believe a man can be so fallible...maybe I believe you can be better than what you are now. Maybe I am juz too blinded by good faith. You are right, I am hesitant about you. Your doings have left me with so much disdain, my trust in you has waivered. You are like the boy who cried wolf...many, many times. You are thinning my tolerance. And you know, once I cut you off, you will never have a chance to come back. Ever. This is the last time I m writing about/to you. Buck up and help yrself, bro.

And you, have left me so perplexed by your inexplicable behaviour, you make me resist having any form of interaction. Damn if I do, damn if I dun too...well damned me then. Till now, I still dun understand what have I done, when I have done nothing to you. I bear no intention of ANY sorts, grudges or malice against you. My name has became so sensitive to mention in your presence among our 'mutual frens', I actually feel rather ostracised by them. They actually have to conceal harmless facts juz to to prevent your groundless speculation!? GOd. I totally resent that. Look, I have no reason to dislike you and if I have nothing to say to you, it's becos I REALLY have nothing to say to you! I dun remember even being nasty/rude/sarcastic to you for once. We are still frens if you choose to be one, and things will be like before. Or you can take what I have written in the wrong way, be pissed and explode. Your choice.

Do I have to wield my rights and authority, be cold and nasty, before you guys have the decent sense to do and behave accordingly? I regard you like peers so that you dun dread coming to work or find me unapproachable. We can have fun together but We all have our roles to play, so PLEASE do what is required and expected of you, NO MORE NO LESS!! Please refrain from taking my silence as an endorsement for your antics. I am watching and I wanna see how long more you wanna stretch my patience. Trust me when I have to tell you off, it's not going to be nice. You are not going to like it, and I dun wish to do it either. But you can try me.

I am not your ATM. I am not a saint. I do have my flaws. I drink and make merry like you. I can be happier. I should think lesser. I know what I am doing. I know I am not always right. I dun need a reason. I dun need to answer to you. I am juz being myself. I dun need you to like or agree with me. I can agree to disagree. I care too much. I have never tot of harming/hurting/belittling/condemning anyone. I am juz trying to be a better man. And I am answerable to everything I did, going to do, have done.

So juz be answerable for yours too.

And my dear family, if this son/brother has more options in Life, I would really spread more love and concern to you. Pardon me. There's never a day that goes by when I wish I could have done so much more. But cross my heart, none of you will ever be left out of sight and I will lay down my life for everyone of you. Anytime.
I own you a dinner and I intend to get it done. But I am passive...ok I am LAZY. But I will definitely see you. I couldn't make more time for you. And I think I shouldn't too. I hope to see you doing better and better with time. I will be so happy for you :)

I am sorry for believing that you will never be unhappy. I love your words, the occassional mails and I know you are looking out for me. I will be your pillar of strength whenever you need one! Bear with my occassional disappearing acts, my infrequent msgs, my lack of empathy towards you. You are a dear mate. I am always a call away ;)

Mama! Your b'day and lunar b'day is on the same day this year, exactly like the year you were borned!! I would have plan a big bash if I wasn't so broke...what would you like to have mama?

All my buddies yo....where the hell have all of you been.....*echo...*echo....sigh. Good times dun last eh?

ANd I need to wake up at 830am. FML. Yawnz.

I am not done..but kaoz. That's alot for a post.

Mummy's boy.

FOr my dear mum.

I have a topsy turvy relationship with my mum since young. She is not the most affectionate of mothers, and I am not the easiest of sons to handle. Having a no nonsense virgo guardian reining in a temperamental aries boy, there's bound to be sparks for nasty confrontations. We have our fights, we have our peace, but we have love for each other too and I am glad we are family.

Being her first kid, it must have very testing and experimental for my mum to raise me. There were no prior experiences to rely on, everything was hands-on and the learning curve was steep. Our parents try to teach us the way their parents teach them. Her dad (which I have never met), have been a significant figure in her learning years. From the little bits I gathered, granddaddy was a morally-conscious, sensibly-driven man. He was a strict and loving father, and he had brought up my mother well. Mum have such stauch standings on conduct, enthics and morality, I believe she was a tough magistrate in her previous life. But as 'vicious' as life can be, she have this little devil (me) as a son to test her resolve. How many times she actually comtemplate slaughtering me before...I dunno, but I think I have sober up enough to stop incurring her warth.

I see parts of my Dad and her in me, characteristically-speaking. Without dwelling too much on the old man, he is not exactly the best role model, though very much a loving dad too. Mum was the disciplinarian, Mum was the cane-wielder, Mum was the 'bad' parent at home. She corrected undesirable traits, enforced rules, taught respect, humility and grace, and demonstrated morally-upright attributes. She was Judge Dread. I can't remember the amount of spankings I got or her choices of tools to inflicit 'teachings' on me, but I swear the marks she left, had me looking like a zebra sometimes. I hated her so much then, I can't wait to remonstrate my displeasure. I think when I slapped her at 15, I must have broken her heart.

I was pretty much left alone, as I spiraled out of control. Those delinquent years, have the worse strains on our relationship. We stopped talking, she wanted me out of the house and I wanted her dead. Maybe Mum was fighting another war with Dad, as I fought mine on the streets...we grew apart and eventually saw lesser of each other. I wasn't very bothered then, she was 'only' a mother. I had my 'brothers', my fun, my life outside. I was running away from the storm brewing at home, perhaps she was too lost in the storm to care anymore. The family had broken, everyone was distant and we became strangers.

I realised my love for Mum when she committed suicide on one Chinese New Year's eve. The fact that I could have lose her that night jolted me out of my nonchalance towards the family. I am the eldest brother, I am the eldest son and I have to take responsibilty for my siblings and household. No more running away. Being there for my younger sister and youngest brother, I finally felt how it was like to be 'strong' in the midst of a family crisis, cos I was not. I cannot buckle, I cannot cry...just like how Mum never waiver in our presence. She must have had her reasons, her pain and unhappiness. I didn't understand before, I dun wanna understand after. I understood all that night. Mum is not all that tough, she is no Judge Dread. Mum is only trying her best to be a good mum.

Today, I have the good fortune to be living together with Mum again. Once in awhile, my siblings will come over for small gatherings too. Dad is fine and hopefully well where he is now. The tough times are over, and the kids are all older now. Having Mum by my side, I can always whine and behave like a spoilt brat. Funny how I hated having Mum hovering over me, yet crave for her loving and care as I aged. I think every man, no matter how unwilling to admit, loves to be pampered and loved by a woman. Until they find someone special as a partner, Mum will reprise this role over and over again, without a whimper. That's how all Mums are, I think.

I ate dinner with her yesterday on Mother's Day. Just a simple dinner, nothing fancy. She is happy and I am happy she is. For if I can be a good son to my Mum, everyday will be a happy day for her. As much as I am a mummy's boy, she is this boy's mummy too! I can never imagine saying this to her, you know..getting all mushy and lovey with my Mum. But yea...~shiver~

..I love you, Mum. Heh.