Life at 39, going 40

39.
Time flies.
Fatter, yes
More greys, yes
Less mobile and creaking knees, yes.
But none the wiser.

Life, as it is, gives you one big middle finger when you think you have seen it all.

If only I am cold and heartless, it could be so much easier to bear.

A deep sigh, another cigarette, and Life wins once more.

I dunno.

Maybe it’s better not to know.

LOVE.

A word that comprises so many different forms of understanding...a word so powerful, it has staked its place throughout history to grace the greatest stories, the most tragic of tales or the most foolish of acts.

Can we really grasp the full significance of Love?

Selfless..unconditional...undying...for better or worse...frequent proclaimations of love heard, but how many actually live by them? I see more selfishness and self-centeredness instead. How many actually place their love ones before themselves? How many of us actually bother how the other person feel instead of ourselves? How many of us really know wat's love is all about?

Love is like having tat person being the epicenter of your everything and vice versa. You practically live and die by it....an irrational willingness to submit your life completely to the unpredictability of Love's nature. A purveyor of  'true' love..or a realistic trader of requited love? Sigh. (My mentor always says 'Love is love and Love will be love'.)

Maybe only fools can live to tell the greatest love stories, since they are foolish enough to disregard logicality and justification.

Are you foolish enough to love?

To whom it may concern

I struggled to convince myself I should be writing, maybe juz alit bit, juz to keep the post date jumping. And I am still struggling with what to write.

Hmm.

Becoz there are too many random tots to string together with relevance, becoz I dun wish to dwell on some of them and be bothered, becoz some things are better off not being mentioned. Ok, let's see how far I can go from here by 'free wheeling'.

Some things NEVER change, isn't it? Juz like your precarious choice of living. Juz like how I still hang around you, who seriously dun deserve much empathy from me. Cos I wanna save a 'fallen soul'? Cos I own you a living? Or am I juz a bloody idiot for letting you disappointing me over and over again? Maybe I still have some faith in you..maybe I dun believe a man can be so fallible...maybe I believe you can be better than what you are now. Maybe I am juz too blinded by good faith. You are right, I am hesitant about you. Your doings have left me with so much disdain, my trust in you has waivered. You are like the boy who cried wolf...many, many times. You are thinning my tolerance. And you know, once I cut you off, you will never have a chance to come back. Ever. This is the last time I m writing about/to you. Buck up and help yrself, bro.

And you, have left me so perplexed by your inexplicable behaviour, you make me resist having any form of interaction. Damn if I do, damn if I dun too...well damned me then. Till now, I still dun understand what have I done, when I have done nothing to you. I bear no intention of ANY sorts, grudges or malice against you. My name has became so sensitive to mention in your presence among our 'mutual frens', I actually feel rather ostracised by them. They actually have to conceal harmless facts juz to to prevent your groundless speculation!? GOd. I totally resent that. Look, I have no reason to dislike you and if I have nothing to say to you, it's becos I REALLY have nothing to say to you! I dun remember even being nasty/rude/sarcastic to you for once. We are still frens if you choose to be one, and things will be like before. Or you can take what I have written in the wrong way, be pissed and explode. Your choice.

Do I have to wield my rights and authority, be cold and nasty, before you guys have the decent sense to do and behave accordingly? I regard you like peers so that you dun dread coming to work or find me unapproachable. We can have fun together but We all have our roles to play, so PLEASE do what is required and expected of you, NO MORE NO LESS!! Please refrain from taking my silence as an endorsement for your antics. I am watching and I wanna see how long more you wanna stretch my patience. Trust me when I have to tell you off, it's not going to be nice. You are not going to like it, and I dun wish to do it either. But you can try me.

I am not your ATM. I am not a saint. I do have my flaws. I drink and make merry like you. I can be happier. I should think lesser. I know what I am doing. I know I am not always right. I dun need a reason. I dun need to answer to you. I am juz being myself. I dun need you to like or agree with me. I can agree to disagree. I care too much. I have never tot of harming/hurting/belittling/condemning anyone. I am juz trying to be a better man. And I am answerable to everything I did, going to do, have done.

So juz be answerable for yours too.

And my dear family, if this son/brother has more options in Life, I would really spread more love and concern to you. Pardon me. There's never a day that goes by when I wish I could have done so much more. But cross my heart, none of you will ever be left out of sight and I will lay down my life for everyone of you. Anytime.
I own you a dinner and I intend to get it done. But I am passive...ok I am LAZY. But I will definitely see you. I couldn't make more time for you. And I think I shouldn't too. I hope to see you doing better and better with time. I will be so happy for you :)

I am sorry for believing that you will never be unhappy. I love your words, the occassional mails and I know you are looking out for me. I will be your pillar of strength whenever you need one! Bear with my occassional disappearing acts, my infrequent msgs, my lack of empathy towards you. You are a dear mate. I am always a call away ;)

Mama! Your b'day and lunar b'day is on the same day this year, exactly like the year you were borned!! I would have plan a big bash if I wasn't so broke...what would you like to have mama?

All my buddies yo....where the hell have all of you been.....*echo...*echo....sigh. Good times dun last eh?

ANd I need to wake up at 830am. FML. Yawnz.

I am not done..but kaoz. That's alot for a post.

When the sun was shining.

"You are my sunshine, my only sunshine,
you make me happy, when skies are grey..."

Such a simple song, such memories. Sometimes the simplest words or actions say the most.

It's such a blessing to have people who bother about your well-being, people who show acts of concern without hesitation, people who think about you without you realising, people who check on you from time to time.

To the people who never have to care but DO anyway, I thank you sincerely.

For it's my fortune to have met you and have you sparing me a portion of your precious time. My days are brighter, my heart is warmer and life becomes easier to soldier on. All of you are like angels, descending on this hapless soul in his darkest hours, and guided him home. Sam feels it, sam knows it and sam is very humbled because of it.

For this average man with average attributes, he is no more deserving than the other man in the street. As a boy, he was not spectacular. As a man, he leaves much to be desired. In return, he has none to offer...in appreciation, he will always remember.

But Sam is walking his own path. A path which one day, will makes him understand what his life is all about. A journey so unpredictable, so selfish, that he wishes no one will tag along. Until the day he finds his sun to light up this path, he will be walking it quietly, all alone. Until he is ready, he will be isolated. For he is in exile, for he needed nobody else. For the sunshine tat came before, casted a glow so glaring, he is still smarting in sad darkness.

But there's an inner child in him, and he craves for that fairy tale ending. When all well will ends well and people will live happily ever after.


"....you never know Dear, how much I miss you,
please don't take my sunhine away..."

For a change, change.

R sent me an email with an attachment document which she found in one of her old folders.

When I downloaded and read the contents, I was surprised to realise it was something I wrote and sent to her 10 years ago (?). It got me melancholic reminiscing careless days of youthful exuberance but also greatly shamed me to recognize that nothing much has been done since then.

I am still plagued and whinning about the same issues, haben stop smoking and still dreaming/talking instead of realising my aspirations. 10 years is a long time, mind you. Much as I find some solace that 'Sam' then and 'Sam' now still carries the same sets of principles, I am disheartened that Sam had lost 10 good years.

I haben spent a great deal of time reflecting on personal events like I did juz now. Maybe becoz most were so forgettable and regrettable, there aren't much worth recollecting. Some cherished moments are never to be repeated and significant people have long gone.What are left are fragments, which only remind what have been lost. I do feel like a man in denial, for failing to close the past chapters which linger and using nonchalance to hide my pain. My heart is heavy, knowing that some things will never come around twice.

I can't retract on deeds done or resow the seeds sown. I will live to regret that on hindsight, I could have done them better or differently. I have passed so many points in Life without setting any milestones, I think the heart has lost anticipation of better things to come. Days will become weeks, months, years and for all the optimissim I advocate, I am living the defeatist's life. And today I am alone becoz I believed I dun deserved anyone else, and my life is not meant to be spectacular, exciting or rewarding.

I have 'accepted' Fate. Or rather, I have pushed the blame to Fate. And I think it's time I make my own fate.

If I have really give up on myself, there wouldn't be any desire for Hope. Becoz I am still habouring a fightback...becoz there is still anguish at watever had happened...becoz I do wanna be a better man/son/buddy/lover.

Becoz Sam is still breathing. And destiny should always be in his own hands.

Dun let yourself down anymore, Sam.

In loving memory of Yanyan ~May 1998 - Apr 2010~

As always, lying comfy on my legs.

I heard about her condition and was prepared for the worst. Still, her eventual departure did not make my sadness any easier to take. I am never good with news of deaths, esp from closed ones. And Yan is a closed one. She is family.

I have always love dogs and I believe I will be a loving owner to one. But my mum's resistance to having a furry creature scrambling around the houshold, ceased all thoughts of becoming one. I have encountered a few...some pets of frens, some strays. They are always inquisitve, responsive and highly intelligent. And their eyes...always seem to be telling you something. I dunno if dogs are always best frens to man, but they are definitely faithful. They smell you, lick you and remember your kindness and love to them. And they always miss you, no matter how long you have been away. And it's maybe of this faithfulness I share and admire, I feel that dogs will always be loyal companions.

I met Yan somewhere in June 2005. She eyed my presence warily and treaded carefully around my feet. For all her receiving nature, she can never be too careful with strangers. But she is instinctively warm and receptive, her trusting personality overcame our initial awkwardness and soon after she was licking away at my palm. For a new boyfriend then, bought home to meet the gal's family, it was very unnerving but Yan gave me her first stamp of approval. Aunty must be pleased that her fav pet had endorsed this new member. And Yan indirectly helped foster the first pillars of the relationship that I would come to have with her lady master years after. I didn't had much interactions with dogs, let alone handle one. When Yan came over to lie on my legs for the first time, I decided that maybe, I should give her a head massage.

With her head on my calf, i started knealing Yan's head slowly, half wary of her liking towards this friendly gesture I adopted and regretting the choice I made already. Her eyes were half-closed, body was still. I stopped briefly and Yan opened her eyes, as if urging me to continue. I increased the intensity and she let out soft sighs of enjoyment. It must have been a queer sight, for a full-grown man to massage a small canine's head. My reputation as a 'man with nimble fingers' was cemented that night and my list of willing volunteers grew in the family. It was a great introduction and the rest, as always said, is history :)

I was to engaged her in this act of intimacy for the next 5 plus years, until recently. The last time I met her, she was frail and half of what I used to remembered her by. Yan is an aging 12 years O now. I knew her time was near and I knew she knew too. Her last struggle to greet me at the doorway will not be forgotten. I know she is going to a better place, and I know I will not be forgotten too.

Yan o...

Thank you for all the beautiful memories, thank you for being such a dearie, thank you for being there in some of my sweetest moments. I am sorry I haven't been able to accompany you till your last days and please pardon my absence in your times of needs. It has been my great fortune to have you graced my life with love and attention, and no matter where you are now, Korkor wish you much love and peace. Have a safe journey home, my little one.

you will be much missed.

love,

Korkor.

Jealousy

Like an assassin, it strikes when you are least prepared.

How does Jealousy come about? According to Wikipedia, it's a state of fear or suspicion of losing something or someone important. What caused that fear then? Too much love for that someone or something?

I am always disgusted with myself AFTER each jealousy-induced storms. I turned into this ridiculous, uncontrollable freak and coupled with my very legendary temper, it's a devastating formula for ugly situations. I loses all sense of logic and reasoning, and hurt the very person that I love. I couldn't deduce a way to prevent this negative emotion yet, but sometimes 'forced ignorance' works.

But I can't ignore everytime. I am too sensitive and observant not to detect a dead rat. Not when you love someone so much anyway. Who doesn't wanna know EVERYTHING about wat your other half is doing/thinking/planning etc.? I know somethings are better left unsaid/unturned/undisturbed...if only 2 person are so telepathic that they will only let out what each other wanna hear or know. Shit happens when less than desired information to my ears seep out one way or another. Another out-of-proportion combustion happens again, another green-eyed transformation. One more needless fight. Sigh.

In my calmer state of mind (which doesn't happen very often though...), I rationalise as if I am the most decorated specialist in any given field. I am always nice, until pissed. Problem is, I get pissed way too easily (so I am seldom nice?..hmm...). I am starting to suspect I might have the same medical condition as Incredible Hulk, as we both react adversely each time we are pissed. I swear my eyes do turn green and I can see smoke from my nostrils sometimes. But at least, I dun swell in size and tear my shirt or pants.

Given that my missus is less than expressive with her thoughts, it's a laborious effort trying to smolder my rage by pacifying/justifying/reasoning. I have learnt to back off alittle and I hope she can understand the root of this jealousy everytime, however much ridiculous I am. Thankfully, Love always prevail so far and we will be all lovey-dovey again, till the next bout surface.

Then really, what is love without jealousy?




P/s : Come to think of it, the Hulk must be a fucking jealous monster. How else do you explain the green?

A Stroke of Fate.

I got a call from her yesterday. Very abrupt, very sudden.

I was in the midst of a conversation and my mobile rang. I took 3 secs to regain my composure and 2 secs to spring into action. I took my fone, moved hastily to a quiet corner and picked up the call. Her voice was quivering. She muz have been crying.

'Ah Ning O , ah yan got a stroke...*sob *sob..do you wanna come and see her? *sob*sob..

*Ah yan is the beloved pet dog of the Tan's family. 11 yrs and counting.

I was stunned momentarily. Stroke? who? okay. Ah yan. Ok. Are you ok? No? Why did u call me?......? Questions flew and my cells are forced to conceive answers and pieced together a rational conclusion. And I couldn't. She called. My love juz called. And our beloved dog might be dying. Trying to speculate 'why she called' to realising 'the dog might be dying' in a matter of mins is a serious test of emotional equilibrium. I promised to go her place, hung up the call, finished up my drink and jumped into a cab. I was on my way.

'What to do when I see her?'
'What to say when I see her?'
'What to say to her family?'
'What to say to her dog?'

Intense pondering muz have debilitated me and I fell asleep in the cab. I woke up juz in time to stop and alight the cab, only to realise I was 10 lamp posts away from her block (Fuck me). I cursed under my alcohol-tainted breath, walked briskly towards the building, took the lift and arrived at her doorstep.

I hesitated, and called her.

'I am outside your door.'

She looked the same as the last time I saw her. Abt 6 months back. Still beautiful. Ah Yan struggled to bring herself to her feet to welcome me when I saw her. She raised her head and glanced towards my direction, tail wagging weakly. I called her name and squatted right infront. She couldn't move any closer. Her left limbs have failed her. It was a painful sight. But at least my presence jolted some reaction. I was in a loss. I cradled her and stroked her soft, snowy fur. I think she still rems me. I think she knows I haven't been around for awhile. I fear this is our last few encounters.

'Thank you, Ah Yan... for letting me be there, for giving me a reason to be there, for me to see her once more. It's not my desired scenario, to appear under such circumstance. Please hang on awhile more. You will definitely be missed.'

What now?

Last post for 2009.

Last day of the year, last post to sum up everything.

Since I started blogging in July 2008, I have written 152 entries (this included). It started as a curiousity, carried on due to persistence and passion and religiously updated as an outlet for frustrations or documentations of sorts. Reading some of the ramdom posts again brings back tinges of melancholy and refreshes momental state of minds. This blog has been a faithful companion thru my journey and the creation of every posts have been thoroughly enjoyed.

The Breguet Team had a end year dinner yesterday and made everyone participated in a 'round-table' speech, where we are to say our best moments in 2009. When it came to my turn, I was rather stumped. Becos seriously, 2009 hasn't been a fantastic year, with no memorable milestones to recollect. This sobering fact saddens me. It's like wasting a year of living, suspending my existence in the midst of happenings. Standing at the midpoint of Life, it can be liberating knowing it's 30 years after birth or depressing to realise it's 30yrs away from Death. Some life stories can filled chapters, while some struggled to contain pages. I hope mine is not the latter, as I embarked towards the finale. Living Life fully has finally stamped its mark in this slacker's head.

For pals with new members in the household/juz married/getting married/deciding to marry....ALL THE BEST TO YOU! For pals moving to a NEW career/house/love/location...ALL THE BEST TO YOU! For pals I have met/always meet/hardly meet now/never meet eversince....ALL THE BEST TO YOU!

*You know who you are, and you know I dun mince my words. SAm dun entertains people who he can't be bothered with. If I hate YOU, I show it. If I have no interest in hanging out with you, I show it. If I wan you outta my life, I SHOW IT. So if you fall into this category, FUCK YOU, Get a life in 2010!.....ok....Happy New year but still. Fuck you.


I have made some small resolutions and hope for big happenings. And maybe some unplanned surprises. 2010 promise much, so let's see where we will all be this time next year.

So that's about it, I guessed. Bye~2009, Halo~2010.

This is for you.

I was so tired the whole day that I sweared I am going to sleep without bathing. I even paid $15 juz to fly back home by cab. Then I decided to logon for while. And I saw yr comment in my blog. I was stunned. Did GOD told you this morning that I was referring to YOU in my last posting? Before I sleep...

My dear Baobei o,

yes, that was the dream I told you.

you cannot imagine the surge of mixed emotions building within when I read your blog...YOu? Blogging? All abt me? And you were reading my blog all this while?

I teared the day you broke my heart. I teared again when you wrote you still love me. Infact, I am tearing as I am typing now. Cos I am happy. And very afraid.

Nothing has changed since the day you left me. Our bits and pieces are still lying around, the fotos in my room are still intact, the password to my lappie is still your IC num. I tried and I can't. I should but I couldn't. Not my heart. Not me. I think of you in the strangest of hours (sometimes I am shitting...), I mentioned your name in the weirdest of places (even in BKK...) I tried to meet new people, I wanna try to move on...and locked you away in the deepest spot inside. I challenged myself to be stirred emotionally, to be carefree, to be strong. But all this only makes me miss you further. And then I will be reminded again and again, how deeply you broke my heart.

You told me I will be the last man you meet. I believed we will always be together. We were that strong before. We were everything we could have asked for. It was tough sometimes, but Love always brought us through. When you told me it didn't matter anymore, whether I am around or not...it shattered my love. When I initiated the breakup, I died that night.

I can't see another I wanna be with, other than you. Yet none other has hurt me this bad too. 'Like a man with the wrong key', should he get out or get in? Time might not have diminish our feelings, but absence definitely makes the hearts fonder. Dun miss me. Love me.

I told you I am not the best of men, but I want to be the best man for you. Still, You gave up on me. Twice. I dunno what is going to happen after this or where should we go from here. I compromised my principles to let you hurt me twice already. I fear a third time. You will always be my Bei no matter wat, and I am yours to lose. Forever, if you allow yourself to.

There is no perfect one. There is no right one. There is only one.

And I will be that one if you want me juz as much wholeheartedly.


love,

Ning.

Shacked.

8:05 a.m. Beautiful morning. And I didn't sleep again.

Been thinking of doing something involving music on a 'part-time basis'. Write. Sing. Anything. And meet like-minded peeps in the process. And enjoy music together. I have to brush up on my basics.

I desperately want to fix up a simple home-recording studio. And it's not cheap. A bloodly mixer with a pair of decent mics are going to set me back like 2k. But the bigger problem is...I dun even know how to go about fixing a home studio.

Fatigue is finally settling in and I have to report for work at 10 a.m. It's going to be a long day. At least I know I am going to sleep well tonight. Blogging can be lonely too. Basically it's like toking to myself. And I dunno what to tell myself anymore. There's no point fighting Life, cos things happen if/when they happen.

Do you read my blog? YOU?

I miss you so much that I feel guilty if I dun.

Like a man with the wrong key hoping to get in. Or get out.

Bei-ed

We lived few units away. We were neighbours. We had our fav spot below the void deck. The spot we met, the spot we fell in love. I love you...we were so happy together.

Then, you changed. I couldn't get you, your mobile is off...you simply disappeared. I searched and waited. Waiting for you to tell me what's wrong. I wanted an answer.

When I finally found you, you wanted to meet at our fav spot. I was hesitant. Cos I was afraid. Afraid of the end.

And You said you loved me no more. I have lost you.

Then I woke up.

And I remembered I have ALREADY lost you.

Love, while it lasts.

Sometimes we spend too much time doing stuffs not concerning loved ones.

I remember when I first met her, I was swept away. I was glad we did got together eventually and had many beautiful memories. She told me she wanted me to be the man of her life. I was crushed when I lost the queen of my heart. I might never see her again.

We dun need departures to realise their importance. It's never enough just telling them how much you love them.

You might not have another chance again.

How are you?

Maybe I sounded harsh when I said it. Maybe I said it to hurt you. Maybe I am as hurt as you.

It has been some time since I have any updates of you. I dun keep in touch with your frens, you dun leave traces in FB and I dun bump into you by chance. I still check up on you thru whatever means I can and I do want to know how you are getting on. Less those bits of fotos that I have seen, I dunno what is keeping you busy right now. Sometimes I wish there will be an impromptu call from you, for whatever reasons. Then again, I told you to get out of my life totally. I felt I had to say so...but it doean't mean I mean it totally.

I have learnt to live without you. It's not easy and I still can't control the pangs of sadness swelling inside whenever I think of you. I can't be like this if I want to move on, especially when I know I HAVE to move on. I dun have a choice for us.

The day when I remember I was missing you, will be the day I make peace with my heart. It saddens me to know this day will eventually comes... when you can no longer cause anymore sadness. It is a struggle dealing with this dilemna, a struggle to keep memories of you for awhile longer, a struggle to keep you in or out of consciousness. In one of my drunken stupor, I heard myself calling your name. My head can conceals, but my heart don't denies.

Till then, I am missing you indefinitely. And I hope you are happy.

Somtimes it's beyond us.

It's has been a long, memorable 5 yrs. We been thru too much together for all the 'thank you', 'sorry' and 'take care'...but if u happen to read this...thank you for everything and please take good care of yourself.

It wasn't an easy decision to make and one of us have to do it. I thanked God for giving us strength to face it together one last time. For all the sadness we are feeling, I believe things will be fine for us. And the day will comes when we will be blessed again.

If I am going to choose loving you all over again, I wouldn't have do it any differently. If you were only meant to be temporal, then it's all I ask for.

For one last time...my Baobei, I love you.

Loving someone is not a job.

Being together for a long time is not an excuse to fall into a routine.

For all those lovebirds all there, please show some respect to LOVE.
Love is not just the sweet honeymoon period in the beginning, or some routine kissing and hugging. Please have the decency to love wholehearterly, the sensitivity to respond to one another and the awareness of one another's needs. Love is not juz the same daily wake-up calls or the same nightly 'sweet dreams' SMSes. Or the ocassional meetups, the ocassional intimacies and definitely not juz another bloody chore. LOVE is only for those who are ready to love, so please do others a favour and STOP short-changing LOVE.

For those who loves like it's a routine job, I wanna tell you DUN BOTHER! Cos first, you dun get a bloodly pay. Second, there is no yearly increment. Third, there is no farking promotion.

AND if LOVE is an employer, you will be sacked many times already.

You are all I need

For all the money I can need,
for all the nothings I can speak,
for all the gifts you bring to me,
for all the few times we do meet,

for all the wonder you might be.
for all the woman you can be,
If you ask me,
Love is all I need.

When I'm alone against the world,
When I'm down and so unsure,
When I'm sad and no one's here,
When I'm falling on my rear,

When I'm caught in between my fears ,
When I'm weeping my.. my quiet tears
If you ask me,
Love is all I need.

Baby I need no superwoman,
I need no answered prayers,
I need no cars and houses,
I need no others with me,

Baby I need no pretty faces,
I need no constant praises,
If you ask me,
Love is all I need.

hmm...hmm....hmm...hmm....

If you ask me,
you are all I need.

Stop.Think.Reflect.

Juz because they are our mums, doesn't mean it's a must to cook, wash and care for us.

Juz beacause they love us, doesn't mean they have to tolerate our nonsense all the time.

Juz because a fren owns a car, doesn't mean he must send or fetch you everytime.

Juz because you have a degree, doesn't prove you are smarter than one who dun.

Juz because you are rich, doesn't mean you treat others like shit.

Juz because you are better-looking, doesn't mean the world revolves around you.

Juz because you are broke, doesn't mean you start short-changing your frens.

Juz because you are paying, doesn't mean others have to suck up to you.

Juz because you are the boss, doesn't mean you are right everytime.

Juz because you are hardly wrong, doesn't mean you are always right.

Juz because you are temperamental, doesn't mean everyone have to empathetize you.

Juz because we think like this, doesn't mean everyone have to think like us.

Juz because you are successful, doesn't mean the rest are failures.

Juz because she dun loves you, doesn't mean you can't love another.

Juz because the your boss pays well, doesn't mean his company is good.

Juz because you have time, doesn't mean everyone have to entertain you.

Juz because it's her duty, doesn't mean she is at fault for everything gone wrong.

Juz because you are old, doesn't mean you can't behave, dress or think young.

Juz because you are moody, doesn't mean no one can feel happy.

Juz because of anything, doesn't mean everything have to be something.


Because everyone, everything is different.

Appreciate sometimes.

Rose Rose I love You.

Red
Sincere Love & Respect, Courage & Passion
Send red roses to convey the message of your passionate love for that someone; saying "I love you"

Pink
Grace and Gentility, the rose of sweet thoughts.
Send deep pink roses to show your appreciation & gratitude; saying "Thank you" Send light pink roses to convey admiration and sympathy

Yellow
In the Victorian times, yellow roses meant jealousy. But today, they signify friendship, joy, gladness and freedom, the promise of a new beginning.
Send yellow roses to brighten up someone's day; to congratulate your friends and loved ones during Joyous occasions.

White
Spiritual love & Purity, the rose of confession, the bridal rose; "You are heavenly", "I am worthy of you"
Commonly used as traditional bridal bouquet during weddings to symbolize a happy love. You can nevertheless use them to convey the message of "You are heavenly, I miss you"

Lavender
Love at first sight and enchantment
Send lavender roses of course, to convey the message of your "love at first sight" with that special someone. You can nevertheless also send them if you would like to make a special impression.

Orange
Passionate desire, pure enthusiasm and fascination
An excellent choice for a new relationship that you wish to pursue further. It can nevertheless also be referring to a new business partnership.

Meaning of Number of Roses:

- 1 Rose
Love at the first sight; you are the one

- 2 Roses
Mutual love between both, deeply in love with one another

- 3 Roses
I love you

- 6 Roses
I wanna be yours

- 7 Roses
I'm infatuated with you

- 9 Roses
An Eternal love, together as long as we live

- 10 Roses
You are perfect

- 11 Roses
You are my treasured one; the one I love most in my life

- 12 Roses
Be my steady

- 13 Roses
Secret Admirer

- 15 Roses
I am truly sorry, please forgive me

- 20 Roses
Believe me, I am sincere towards you

- 21 Roses
I am devoted to you

- 24 Roses
Can't stop thinking about you, 24 hours everyday <---(DO U KNOW NOW, BEI?)

- 33 Roses
Saying "I love you" with great affection

- 36 Roses
I will remember our romantic moments

- 40 Roses
My love for you is genuine

- 50 Roses
Regretless love, this is

- 99 Roses
I will love you for as long as I live

- 100 Roses
Harmoniously together in a century; remaining devoted as couple till ripe-old age

- 101 Roses
You are my one and only love

- 108 Roses
Please marry me!

- 365 Roses
Can't stop thinking about you, each and everyday

- 999 Roses
Everlasting and Eternal love

Ramdom things abt Sam

There's these countless '25 ramdom thingy abt moi' going around Facebook and I am honoured to be one of the selected few tagged to their notes. I thought it's quite interesting and for those with no FB acc, here's mine.

1. I can shit alot of times per day. Seriously. At least 3 times.

2. I would love to do music for a living. Backroom stuffs like editing, composing, arranging and producing.

3. I would love to hear 'Somewhere Over the Rainbow' or 'Rainbow Connection' during my funeral.

4. I think too much. But never do enough.

5. I do wish my family is together.

6. I can drink lots of coffee per day too. At least 3 cups.

7. I dun take duck rice. Or anything duck-related.

8. My 2 food cravings are Bak ku Teh and Satay.

9. I love drinking red wine alone. Esp at night.

10. I would choose happines over health or wealth. Anytime.

11. I am a born idealist, a reluctant realist.

12. I dun need a reason to love or hate someone.

13. I would love to sky-dive or bungee jump one day.

14. I know this is biased. But when you are the 'Aries' sign, I like u 60% already.

15. I love being challenged. Brings out the fighter in me. Dangerous.

16. It takes more than juz wake-up calls, 3 alarm clocks to wake me up. When I sleep, I am dead.

17. I dun like others telling me what to do. I am sensible to know and most of the time, I am rite. Still that doesn't mean I won't do wrong things cos I love being challenged. But I won't commit STUPID wrong actions.

18. I always 'appear invisible' on MSN

19. I like intellectual people. Not those who act smart or think they r smart.

20. I am friendly with all, comfortable with half of them, close to a handful, love only one. Family not included.

21. I dun wish to live too long. Max 75.

22. My fav nums are 4 and 7.

23. I hates stingy, calculative, scheming, selfish and self-centered fuckers. I smell them from a mile away and they will never ever hang around me. I know who you r and I am waiting to teach you a lesson if I can.

24. I dun believe in belonging to any religion but I do believe there is one GOD.

25. No one can force me to do anything against my wishes. And I am prepared to lose all when threatened. I will take u with me when that happen. Trust me.

26. I really believe Ms Veron Tan will be my wife-to-be.

27. I want to go on a trip with my mum within 3 years.

28. I would prefer daughters more than sons.

29. I wish I never pick up smoking.

30. I am a boy trapped in a man's body.


Till then.

yawnzzzz.