RIch men might not be generous.

I am back to square one again.

I am so obsessed by my recent indulgence in self-pity, I practically depleted my last cents on senseless alcohol comsumption. The wallet is getting lighter these days and I am definitely a few swipes away from bursting my credit limit. Me being me, I am never hesitant in parting with my hard-earned dough with buds who are worth it and with peeps who need it. Generosity is one of my better traits but with almost empty pockets jingling coins...I have to rein in this bounteous heart of mine.

Still...though I am a poor man, I am never stingy. Maybe a little pound-foolish at times but always empathetic with others' plights. Firstly I DUN have alot to part with, so I won't be any richer saving that few bucks. Secondly, I sincerely hope that any tiny bit I passed on, can make a small difference in their lifes. Maybe one more meal, one lesser hunger pangs. Thirdly, this world do need some love from somewhere or someone...and I wish to be the advocator of this beautiful cause.

For I have been a lucky man to be blessed with lovely people who have rallied around in times of despair too. Marc lend me a couple of hundreds without prompting. Sebast offered his hundreds immediately when my chips are down. My younger brother took out his thousands for my gambling debts. Winnie stood by me even when I have nothing to offer in return. Uncle Alex settled my 2 months' rental. Anderson shared his sesmester's fees. My stingy sister always responded to my desperations. And of coz my dear mother! What can I say? Consistently concerned for her children quietly. And there are more. These wonderful souls never need reciporcrations, need no invitations and have no hesitations. I didn't ask. They weren't instigated. I always declined. They always persisted. Their love to me sustain my strength in carrying on and in good faith, I would love to pay some forward.

Spread some love, people! The world is not just about you and your (in)material needs!

Even if good men really die young, at least those they touched might go on to touch many more. For me, that is a good enough reason.

Mars is coming.

I felt better this few days.

I dun really fancy more alcohol to complement my self-induced misery...I started walking with a little leap in my steps again..I whistles a soft tune to accompany my journey home on public transport and that bold, mischievous sparkle in my eyes are rousing again.

I feel better. The skies seems to have cleared and Spring is here again!

Maybe it's about time to wisen up, maybe it's time to move on, maybe the fire within is burning again. Sam is a pure-blooded Aries man! Come on! We are not losers! Aries fight on and till Death do we stop! Then suddenly, a realisation hit me. Hey! This is it! THis is our month! Mars is coming and we will rise again!!

Ok, ok maybe I needed a lame reason, but I have had enough of my wallowing period. No more self-pity, no more binge drinking, no more suicidal thoughts and definitely no more self-destruction. The fighting essence inside is screaming to get out and it's time to put a stop to all these nonsense. Why should I even let anyone fucked me up? *middle finger*

'The zodiac sign of Aries is dominated by the ruling planet of Mars. Mars has been named after the Roman God of War who was said to be daring and totally fearless'

It's April soon and there is so much catching up to do. I started the year with so much plans only for some worthless distractions to screw up my resolutions. 3 months down and 9 more to go. I am in such pathetic state emotionally, physically and financially for the last 3 months. Thanks to my foolishness, there's hell to pay now! But I am going to grind my teeth and emerge from all this a stronger person than before and relish every breathing minute of my life. Mark my words.

Sam is back and he is loving it.

Special mention to my little one, Syirah who will be celebrating her b'day on the 4th April, along with Jiacong 26th, Hua 27th, Dalton 30th, Fiona 30th, Luke 30th, Huixian 31st, Neh 1st, Seng 2nd, Sandrine 5th, My younger brother 11th, Winnie 18th and Auntie Lee Hua 20th. 

Happy B'day to all of us!

When you are an Aries, the battle is already half won.

Reality check.

I spend quite alot of time alone now. I am definitely broke. I puff more. I dun call out as often. I drank more too. Tummy is big. I play lotsa piano. I sing. I slack. I dun think too much, nor too far. I am waiting.

I am not blogging as often as I like, cos I dun wanna to be writing about all my frustrations everytime. I tried to write a few times and I gave up. I didn't really want to sit down and ponder about my situation and pen them all out in cyberspace. Perhaps sitting alone in my cosy room, with ciggies and wine, is very condusive for writing. And it's quieter at night too. Maybe I dun wan people to know my updates thru here, maybe I am tired to sort out my tots, maybe I have enough of incessant bashings about others. I am one sore, angry and lonely man...and naturally I dun think I have lots of nice things to write.

But this is my space. I write to heal myself. I sprout nonsensical, illogical, angry stuffs here so that I dun channel my anger onto the world out there. This is my outlet for release. Dun judge me here, dun be affected by my words, dun jump to conclusions. I am juz being me, coming to peace with myself. And I will not filter, mince my thoughts juz becos I know there are people who know me personally, reading my blog.

I dun think I am losing it or giving up. I am allowing myself to live precariously cos I want some time to assess myself. I am Sam and a very prideful aries man. Only my closest see my times of helplessness. And I know this won't be too long. I am affected by recent happenings, disappointed by the harshness of the real world and angry with those selfish ones with no empathy for another. But I still uphold my faith and beliefs. And I will live my life as I deem fit, while you live yours. Yang said I should have a healthy dosage of realism to partner my idealistic progession in life. Advice heeded, my bro. Sam will forgive those who prejudged, belittled and ostracized him. But Sam will not forget. Justice will be served according, I assure you.

One fine day, when we all have to stand in the face of Death, you will realise how indifferent we actually are. Go on, chase your dreams! Consolidate your wealth, grab the latest blings, taste the finest wines and drive the fanciest cars! We all have the right to believe, to busk in our moments of inconsequentialities, to feed ourselves with our own agendas, and think that this is what our lifes are all about. Sooner or later, we will stand before the firing squad of Death and when the trigger is pulled, I hope your reflection on Life will not be too painful. Go on, chase your dreams! For we only live once!

I am no Judge Dread but I really can't be bothered with you people anymore. Happy? Good for you! Sad? your problem! I apologise for my newfound selfishness! Isn't this how we should all be? Flooding others with tales of personal gratifications, achievements, sadness and happenings? Oh please!! Who genuinely bothers? They are either thankful they are not as fucked up like you OR envious that you took the bigger pie in Life! Anyway good peeps die young! Hah!

'With power, comes responsibilty'

I heard this from the 'Spiderman" movie. What bullshit! Everyone juz want more, bigger, better now! Who cares about those in need? You ask anyone better off than you, to spilt whatever they have equally with you, and I am sure you are going to get the middle finger. I worked hard for it ok..I deserved it ok...I am borned with it ok...blah blah blah...You ask the same people to spilt with those who are better off than them? Oh of coz! Why not??

See? Ugly, ugly humans. Humanity is a lost clause. Reality is the new king!

What are the values of living now? Simple.

Money = Life
Money + Status = Good life
Money + Status + Fame = Woooo! THis is LIFE!!!

No money? Work harder, work your ass off! Or marry a rich man/woman! Buy lottery! Do illegal stuffs! Sell your soul! Oh, having a rich dad helps too ok!

No status? Find money first (from the options above) then furnish yourself with the blings blings and dings dings! Distance yourself from the losers!

No fame? Achieve the 2 key points above and fame will follows!

Who cares how you do it as long as you did it, rite??

Ha. So this is what Life is about. Pardon my ignorance!

Loving me, before loving you.

I am sitting in my regular joint, looking at my pint of erdinger. All alone.

Being alone is an acquired taste. It takes a while getting used to and a lot of sanity to stay calm. Alone? Spending time with myself? God. It's like trying to find out ways to stay engaged in the situation, justifying reasons to hang a little while longer and not getting bored. WITH MYSELF. As if I am one interesting character with tales to last the night. I can't be telling stories to myself rite? Not when I already know those stories. Oh! I can't stand being with myself! Such a bore! Smoke and drink in silence, acting all pathetic and lonely. What the hell.

Actually it's not all bad.

No more accomodating. No more obliging. No more pretending. You dun care when, why, what, where or how. You want to, you juz do it. No one to bother you, no one to judge you, no one to tell you wat to do. You juz be comfortable with you and yourself. When can you afford such luxury of zero pretense juz by being alone? Such liberation is hard to come by, seriously.

Maybe I have to learn being on my own. To be at ease, to be at peace with myself first, before I can even be with another. Maybe this is learning to enjoy my own company, to love and appreciate myself, before I can do the same for another. Maybe I need to be alone now, so that I won't be alone again.

Maybe.

The world should end tom.

I used to think I am the only boy living.

I looked at clouds...imagining shapes and animals of all sorts. I looked at people and wondered what were they doing or thinking then. I watched shows on TV and couldn't understand why the characters protrayed, were evil or mean. I listen to music and they relaxed me. There were many questions and many self-replied answers. I wondered if anyone at all, thinks like me.

I was young.

Everyday, I wake up...still having many questions. But I stopped asking myself 'why?' anymore. Age have altered the innocence where I no longer wonder as much. The normality of days come and go, ripening my inquistiveness for happenings. I dun ask 'why they happen?' but 'why they happen to me?'. My tolerance got higher, so does the bitterness. I look at people and empathetise more with their situations. My envy for happiness grow in sync with jealousy and I start hating people in better-off positions. I seek my own to dwell with, blacklisting those who failed my set of values. My heart protests silently and furiously against those who lap up materialism and embrace realism. I habour hatred within and wish them all the worse. I want them dead. If possible, through my own hands. I want them to feel my pain like their own. Slowly.

Thankfully I dun quite make the cut as a serial murderer. And the current legal legistration can't convict me for crimes committed in thoughts. No I am not mad. Juz angry, very angry. Systems work for the upper tier and regulations protect those with significant interests, aren't they? In a world when everything is equal, where's the fear of losing? I have nothing to lose, the poor and averages have nothing to lose. But if you do, be afraid...be very afraid. Some crazy ass out there might wanna hack you, like how this guy did it. I am not endorsing his actions but I know it is very painful when there is lots to lose rite? ha.

There's one who posted on his msn shoutout 'to buy a Volkswagen Golf GTI or Honda Civic Type R?'. I say, buy either one in paper and burn it. Maybe buy both in paper so you have both cars to use when you rot in hell. I heard afew who juz receive diamond rings and are flaunting them right now. Remember to burn them too so you can still use them in hell. Oh..and there's those nincompoops who think the world about riches. Burn your money too! Before you are taken by mishaps/sickness suddenly.

KNNBCCB.

*Don't tell me what to do when you have resources which I dun have now. Even if you have been broke/down/pathetic before, you ARE alrite now. It's so easy to speak when you are on the other side. Juz get on with your own life, while I get on with mine. I didn't ask for your help so why your 2 cents' worth?

CY told me I should do something to help myself and make my life better. I wish! When I earn 10k a month, I will show you! When Life finally decide to accept me into her elite club, I will show you! When I get on the better end of situations, I will show you! Some things are just out of my control. Although you did work for it, it turned out fine. It could have been bad. To everyone (without discounting your efforts), when things are smoooooth and good, count your blessings. Seriously you are no more deserving than me. You could have been fucked big time too.

Too much candies and blings. Too much money and shit. Too many idiots. The world should end soon, before I decide to end it for you.

Destined(?)

Solemned.

I spent 4 hours hammering away at the piano and dazed. My fingers spoke of words which can only be heard through the melodies that I played. I am lost.

Another day passed and nothing changed. I seek solace in the indulgences that can only try to relieve myself of the emotional strains. I have not spoken much, only smoking and drinking. At this point of time, words are really redundant. Who understand myself better than me, as I search for enlightenment on things that happened. I know they happened for a reason, I am juz clueless as where am I heading next.

There's a routine everyday, plus minus some ramdoness in between. Is this what I want? I could be too comfortable residing in a cycle of expectancy or I am juz resigned to fate. Can we fight destiny? I never believe so. Things...they happen for a reason, I was told.

I am here, I could be there. Doing this, doing that. Does it mean anything? Does it mean anything to anyone? Do anybody even care? I am juz a face that can be replaced. Juz a body in a sea of many. Why should I even be different? But we are all already different. Then how do we be different? We can't be different, it's destined, remember? Destined...that's why the routine... Is this what God have for everyone?

So it's part of the routine I am doing this, part of the routine I am doing that. I live, love, die with the routine. Whose routine? HIS routine for me or the routine I choose? Predestined or destined?

Wonderful. So He gave us brains that is already programmed individually to learn accordingly. So I am part of this massive structure, this great co-existence that already have a role for me to fulfil. And we will learn to react, we will learn to move on, we will blend in with the great system...cos everything happens for a reason, remember?

Then does God allow people with the same reasons to come together? Am I the reason for someone's happenings, Or did something happen so that I can be the reason? I could be the cause or the clause. Nothing is by chance, these are his routines for us. Oh! so it's not my fault then?

Everything happens for a reason, remember?