Life, as it is.

2 months into the year and the same bad feeling crept back again.

Life is such, I guessed. One moment you can be up in the clouds and the next you are left all high and dry. In a calmer state of mind, rationale and better sense prevail and I understand things happen for a reason. Life is like a jukebox on loop. We go thru the start, hit the chorus and come to the ending, again and again. The difference is maybe the tune played each time, but then again, some choose to play the same tune everytime.

I love that Life is unpredictable. With that, I have to accept the package that comes with this unpredictability. It's easy to only relish the better moments, who wouldn't? But the bad ones serve an important role to remind and teach us about wrong decisions or cherishing better ones. With hope, life goes on. With love, I survive. I think that's how Life even out for everyone of us. You dun win everytime.

On a more positive note, I know I am going to emerge from every episode a better man. Without Life's lessons, I wouldn't be the man I am now. Going thru period of pain, grief or loss is difficult, but emerging from it can only make us stronger, and hopefully we become better persons too.

A younger me would have been filled with soreness, hatred and injustice. Now, I rather apprecate Life with people who appreciate me and search for happiness. Time is too short and we only have one lifetime.

Hopefully you can be happy entwining yours with mine. If not, c'est la vie.

'It's only possible to do what I do because I love you,
If I do what I do because you love me, then the love is not unconditional as how love should be.'

~ Sam G

Bling Bling Bleah Bleah

I found out I have been deemed a lousy 'stock option'. 
I am calm. Sad but calm.

I am Sam. All that I wanted is to be happy. To love and to be loved.

Thank you those people! For letting me know that I am so lousy. That I dun measure up to your expectations! That I am so totally out of your league. That I am a average looking man, with low earning power and a very humble family background. That all the love that I can ever give is never going to be enough for the materialism of your high and mighty group! That my feelings and existence as a human being is never going to matter cos I am so out of sync with this realistic and materialistic society.

Thank you for giving me a chance to know your world! Thank you and all the very best to you, the realistic and materialistic ones! Thank you for showing me how privileged, how affluent and how deserving your niche group are! Thank you for reminding me that I am different, that I deserve lesser, that my life can never fit into your money-conscious system! Thank you very much!

What an awakening!

Now! Let me go wallow with my loser peers and do our good-for-nothing antics! Let me go find the soulmates or love ones who will appreciate me for the person I am! Let there be a line firmly drawn between our differences so that our paths will never, ever be crossed again!

And I wish you people all the best, in your endless pursuits of better, quality living! May your houses, cars and money be sufficient to sustain your lust of Life! May you forever be free from sufferings, sadness, sicknesses cos you will have all the money in the world to burn! May your heaven be filled with all the material goods even after you die! May you be happy and merry with like-minded people, busking in impressionable stuffs! May you find everlasting happiness cos you can afford it!

I apologise for being able to walk you a little further. Becos the place that the poor and losers belong to are so different from yours! Becos the place that love matters is so difficult for you! Becos in my very average world, you will have a tough time justifying your own existence!

I would love to see you people again someday, u know...cos I have a heart and I have love. But I might be going to hell or somewhere very cheap, uncomfortable or unpresentable, and I dun think you guys wanna be caught in the same places! Oh nevermind! I totally understand! You guys are different breeds and we are losers! Hopefully we will never meet again then, if not you are going to be a loser and rot in hell like me!! Hah!

I heard your high and mighty kinds are exempted from all the shits that can happen in Life? My god!! You guys are really different and privileged!!

Turn Left, Turn Right.

Life is made up of big and little choices.

I dun fret over what to wear, what to eat, wat to do or where to go on a daily basis. I am a fuss-free person, very spontaneous and rather accomodating. Simple things satisfy me and you can make my day with an act of kindness, appreciation or love. Little choices are sort of 'idiot-proof', they are not going to make or break you. It's the major ones that I contemplate.

They alter Life's course, mould your future decisions and stuck with you for a period of time. One bad move and you are fucked, sometimes for life. I might be decisive but in actual fact, I hate making choices. The responsibility of being accountable to myself, the fear of a bad decision, the guilt of living with it for the rest of my life, where there is no scapegoat and 'if only I knew'...is immense. You choose it, you face it and you bear with it. Either you beam with delight/heave with relief when you hit the right nail, or you endorse the full consequence in silence when you miscue. The first time is always tough, second time makes a wiser 'you''. But it only means you have failed before and experienced the pain/anguish of a bad call. Trust me, in some instances, we would all rather do it first time, everytime. 2nd time does not necessary means 2nd chance.

In the days/months/years of daily randomness, come a time when you stand at a crossroad, wondering to turn left or right. 'Left or right? Left or right?' you pondered...maybe toss a coin, utter a silent prayer, then walk on. We can never be too sure, however much we weigh our options. And it's winning that half chance of making that correct judgement, all the more sweeter to savour.

Irregardless the outcome, we go on anyway. The next one is on its way and hopefully, I live to fight another day.

Brain-freezed

So CNY went in a jiffy too.

Time seriously seems to be shooting thru this year, I haben had the chance to recollect yet. From countdowns, her b'day, off days, pay days, which days(?) to make-ups/makeouts, break-ups/breakdowns...Life has been blurred.

Either memory capacity are decreasing or too much inconsequential stuffs happened. I can't remember why or what I was so preoccupied with, and I can't recall why I felt so 'busy' and tired. Or maybe, I tired out my mind THINKING of things I wanna do but never actually did. This is weird...the phyiscal presence feels very detached from the spiritual soul. This muz be twlight zone.

I have read how our human system has an innate ability to protect and react to adverse conditions. My hard disk must be preventing disk corruption, and the resulting defragmentation found lost clusters. Or my motherboard could no longer respond to the demands of intensified RAM/graphics of Life. In summary, I am an outdated model. And my system is hanging. I pales in comparison to the WINDOW 7s models. Duo-cored rocks, not hardcored.

Too bad i am a poor man's son. So the son of son of son is destined to be poor and poor and poor. When u have no money, your system cannot be upgraded. You will be blamed for not trying hard enough, for not having enough drive, for not living up to expectations. You are useless for not making your own life better. You are not smart enough to conjure nothing out of thin air. You are the reason why you fail.

But if you are a rich man's son, oh you are not 'blessed'! Your life is so 'normal' too in a cushy apartment or landed area. It's your old man's money, not yours. You also have to work hard to succeed. And if you are successful, it's becos you have great drive, foresight and talent. Nothing to do with the fact your old man pay for your overseas degree. Nothing to do with the fact he has got deep pockets for you to fail and fail again until you make it. Nothing to do with the fact that you can continue his legacy if you can't make it. It's not about connections, it's not about having more options in life. You are smart and you thoroughly deserve it.


What a load of crap, rich bastards.

What's your spoon made of?

I remembered as a 5 yr old, I experienced my first lust.

Its clear LCD screen was entrenched in thick, black rubber, with big, bold alphabets embossed on the frame, finished off with sturdy looking straps. I would pester my mum to walk past the same store everyday, on my way home from school, so that I could catch a glance of this beautiful item. I would tiptoed slightly to be on eye-level with the showcase, juz to capture its gleaming face against the light...and hope my mama would buy it for me someday. My obssession was so intense that during one of the English lesson, when my kindergarten teacher asked me 'Sam, can you tell me what G is for?'

I answered 'G-Shock'

My mama never buy one for me. We could never afford material stuffs, and the money could be put to better use. I was bought up by thrifty, money-wise parents, and with 2 other siblings to complete the family, there isn't much left for excessant expenditures. They are wonderful parents...our basic needs are met. We have clean uniforms for school, meals on the table and lots of love. Finances were tight, and we were never pampered, but my parents never stinge on necessities. I was drilled with the concept of 'needs vs wants' and bought up on humility. I spend the next 14 years wanting a G-Shock, never needing one.

I had my first G-Shock when I got enlisted in the Navy (it was a standard issue for all naval divers). Suddenly my craving to own a G-Shock became a reality, and my want became a need. Such is the irony of life! Today I owned another 3. Every piece is a constant reminder on how far I have came, to finally be able to afford one.

Maybe if my parents were alittle more affluent, I could have had one years earlier. But having more options in Life is almost in direct relation with better financial ability. My parents are average income earners, and I couldn't ask for more than what they are already providing. I have to make full use of their limited resources to maximise my potential (if any). There are no other options. There is no Plan B. We just have to make do. I am not lamenting on what my folks lack, I am just thinking if there were more alternatives, there could have been more opportunities too.

I could have explored my music interests.
I could have went overseas to further my studies when I expired my options for higher learning in Singapore.
I could have seen places outside Singapore, opening my eyes to wonderful places/cultures/traditions.
I could have been judged on my character/personality/morals, rather than my lack of realistic/materialistic inclinations.

It could have been, but I never had. My spoon was not made of silver. On my own now, I already dun have much Plan Bs for myself. And if I dun improve my social/financial/commercial standings, my offsprings are not going to have any Plan Bs either.


What a bloody vicious cycle.

Jealousy

Like an assassin, it strikes when you are least prepared.

How does Jealousy come about? According to Wikipedia, it's a state of fear or suspicion of losing something or someone important. What caused that fear then? Too much love for that someone or something?

I am always disgusted with myself AFTER each jealousy-induced storms. I turned into this ridiculous, uncontrollable freak and coupled with my very legendary temper, it's a devastating formula for ugly situations. I loses all sense of logic and reasoning, and hurt the very person that I love. I couldn't deduce a way to prevent this negative emotion yet, but sometimes 'forced ignorance' works.

But I can't ignore everytime. I am too sensitive and observant not to detect a dead rat. Not when you love someone so much anyway. Who doesn't wanna know EVERYTHING about wat your other half is doing/thinking/planning etc.? I know somethings are better left unsaid/unturned/undisturbed...if only 2 person are so telepathic that they will only let out what each other wanna hear or know. Shit happens when less than desired information to my ears seep out one way or another. Another out-of-proportion combustion happens again, another green-eyed transformation. One more needless fight. Sigh.

In my calmer state of mind (which doesn't happen very often though...), I rationalise as if I am the most decorated specialist in any given field. I am always nice, until pissed. Problem is, I get pissed way too easily (so I am seldom nice?..hmm...). I am starting to suspect I might have the same medical condition as Incredible Hulk, as we both react adversely each time we are pissed. I swear my eyes do turn green and I can see smoke from my nostrils sometimes. But at least, I dun swell in size and tear my shirt or pants.

Given that my missus is less than expressive with her thoughts, it's a laborious effort trying to smolder my rage by pacifying/justifying/reasoning. I have learnt to back off alittle and I hope she can understand the root of this jealousy everytime, however much ridiculous I am. Thankfully, Love always prevail so far and we will be all lovey-dovey again, till the next bout surface.

Then really, what is love without jealousy?




P/s : Come to think of it, the Hulk must be a fucking jealous monster. How else do you explain the green?