This is for you.

I was so tired the whole day that I sweared I am going to sleep without bathing. I even paid $15 juz to fly back home by cab. Then I decided to logon for while. And I saw yr comment in my blog. I was stunned. Did GOD told you this morning that I was referring to YOU in my last posting? Before I sleep...

My dear Baobei o,

yes, that was the dream I told you.

you cannot imagine the surge of mixed emotions building within when I read your blog...YOu? Blogging? All abt me? And you were reading my blog all this while?

I teared the day you broke my heart. I teared again when you wrote you still love me. Infact, I am tearing as I am typing now. Cos I am happy. And very afraid.

Nothing has changed since the day you left me. Our bits and pieces are still lying around, the fotos in my room are still intact, the password to my lappie is still your IC num. I tried and I can't. I should but I couldn't. Not my heart. Not me. I think of you in the strangest of hours (sometimes I am shitting...), I mentioned your name in the weirdest of places (even in BKK...) I tried to meet new people, I wanna try to move on...and locked you away in the deepest spot inside. I challenged myself to be stirred emotionally, to be carefree, to be strong. But all this only makes me miss you further. And then I will be reminded again and again, how deeply you broke my heart.

You told me I will be the last man you meet. I believed we will always be together. We were that strong before. We were everything we could have asked for. It was tough sometimes, but Love always brought us through. When you told me it didn't matter anymore, whether I am around or not...it shattered my love. When I initiated the breakup, I died that night.

I can't see another I wanna be with, other than you. Yet none other has hurt me this bad too. 'Like a man with the wrong key', should he get out or get in? Time might not have diminish our feelings, but absence definitely makes the hearts fonder. Dun miss me. Love me.

I told you I am not the best of men, but I want to be the best man for you. Still, You gave up on me. Twice. I dunno what is going to happen after this or where should we go from here. I compromised my principles to let you hurt me twice already. I fear a third time. You will always be my Bei no matter wat, and I am yours to lose. Forever, if you allow yourself to.

There is no perfect one. There is no right one. There is only one.

And I will be that one if you want me juz as much wholeheartedly.


love,

Ning.