This is for you.

I was so tired the whole day that I sweared I am going to sleep without bathing. I even paid $15 juz to fly back home by cab. Then I decided to logon for while. And I saw yr comment in my blog. I was stunned. Did GOD told you this morning that I was referring to YOU in my last posting? Before I sleep...

My dear Baobei o,

yes, that was the dream I told you.

you cannot imagine the surge of mixed emotions building within when I read your blog...YOu? Blogging? All abt me? And you were reading my blog all this while?

I teared the day you broke my heart. I teared again when you wrote you still love me. Infact, I am tearing as I am typing now. Cos I am happy. And very afraid.

Nothing has changed since the day you left me. Our bits and pieces are still lying around, the fotos in my room are still intact, the password to my lappie is still your IC num. I tried and I can't. I should but I couldn't. Not my heart. Not me. I think of you in the strangest of hours (sometimes I am shitting...), I mentioned your name in the weirdest of places (even in BKK...) I tried to meet new people, I wanna try to move on...and locked you away in the deepest spot inside. I challenged myself to be stirred emotionally, to be carefree, to be strong. But all this only makes me miss you further. And then I will be reminded again and again, how deeply you broke my heart.

You told me I will be the last man you meet. I believed we will always be together. We were that strong before. We were everything we could have asked for. It was tough sometimes, but Love always brought us through. When you told me it didn't matter anymore, whether I am around or not...it shattered my love. When I initiated the breakup, I died that night.

I can't see another I wanna be with, other than you. Yet none other has hurt me this bad too. 'Like a man with the wrong key', should he get out or get in? Time might not have diminish our feelings, but absence definitely makes the hearts fonder. Dun miss me. Love me.

I told you I am not the best of men, but I want to be the best man for you. Still, You gave up on me. Twice. I dunno what is going to happen after this or where should we go from here. I compromised my principles to let you hurt me twice already. I fear a third time. You will always be my Bei no matter wat, and I am yours to lose. Forever, if you allow yourself to.

There is no perfect one. There is no right one. There is only one.

And I will be that one if you want me juz as much wholeheartedly.


love,

Ning.

Shacked.

8:05 a.m. Beautiful morning. And I didn't sleep again.

Been thinking of doing something involving music on a 'part-time basis'. Write. Sing. Anything. And meet like-minded peeps in the process. And enjoy music together. I have to brush up on my basics.

I desperately want to fix up a simple home-recording studio. And it's not cheap. A bloodly mixer with a pair of decent mics are going to set me back like 2k. But the bigger problem is...I dun even know how to go about fixing a home studio.

Fatigue is finally settling in and I have to report for work at 10 a.m. It's going to be a long day. At least I know I am going to sleep well tonight. Blogging can be lonely too. Basically it's like toking to myself. And I dunno what to tell myself anymore. There's no point fighting Life, cos things happen if/when they happen.

Do you read my blog? YOU?

I miss you so much that I feel guilty if I dun.

Like a man with the wrong key hoping to get in. Or get out.

Bei-ed

We lived few units away. We were neighbours. We had our fav spot below the void deck. The spot we met, the spot we fell in love. I love you...we were so happy together.

Then, you changed. I couldn't get you, your mobile is off...you simply disappeared. I searched and waited. Waiting for you to tell me what's wrong. I wanted an answer.

When I finally found you, you wanted to meet at our fav spot. I was hesitant. Cos I was afraid. Afraid of the end.

And You said you loved me no more. I have lost you.

Then I woke up.

And I remembered I have ALREADY lost you.

Sometimes we juz dunno how to react.

I have a little misunderstanding with A. I had a chance to patch things up. I made the first move and he didn't response. Much. The misunderstanding was not resolved.

B misses F alot. He wanted to know how she is doing now. He have her number. But he never make the call.

C met his dad recently, someone who he haben met for a few years. Their interaction wasn't any different. They hardly speak to each other.

D was emotionless when he attended H's dad's funeral. He knew she was devastated. He wanted to do something for her. He didn't.

Maybe there was hesitations. Maybe there was reservations. Maybe there was confusions.

Maybe, we have too many 'maybes'.

Enjoying work.

2 kopis and fried rice later, I am struggling to stay awake.

Another day of work, another day of boredom. Because I am 'forced' to clear my leaves recently, I have been working only 2-3 days a week. Since I am broke and with no plans on hand, I would actually preferred working. Resting too much seriously derailed my momentum, and when I do come back to office, it feels like a bloody drag. I even have to resort to blogging to keep myself occupied. Ha, tok about working smart ah?

No FB, no twitter, no youtubes...they are all restricted by the IT dept. Luckily they decided to give Blogger a miss. I definitely agree that everyone is spending too much time on all this distractions but still, blocking those sites serve no purpose at all. They are not nipping the prob in the bud...companies have to let their staffs enjoy working or employ people who loves working for them. This only shows too many of us are doing things which we are not happy with at all.

Which sadly, includes myself.

If I am making music for a living, I can't see how I can be drawn away from my passion. There might be the occasional  chats or updates, but I definitely wanna go back to 'working'. Companies have to stop looking at credentials, stupid certs and pedigrees ONLY when employing. I think 2 key attibutes should also be passion and attitude.

Hmm.

Cocainized Fireworks.

It was sudden,
it was fast,
it was beautiful,
while it lasts.

Red, orange sparkles,
Oh~ wat a sigh!
like a druggie,
on a high.

Then the end,
it came too soon,
One more serving?
one more spoon?

No no druggies,
they aren't dumb,
they juz couldn't
endure the numb.

~ Sam G  "Chasing Sights"

It could have been the start of something beautiful.

3 days was all it took for the emotions to surge and dived back to normality.

I was intrigued, impressed, confused, perplexed, disappointed and calmed, one after the other in a matter of 72 hrs. My heart muz have had a decent workout. After careful assessment and adequate research to back my findings, it has been comfirmed that close encounter with a feminine form can caused delusional thoughts or behaviour. Alcohol not included.

There's definitely wistfulness about the situation, as it could have been positive. But this is very subjective as it's a one-sided sentiment. Maybe those broken flakes of love bits haven't been stirred for awhile...and with the slightest of arousal, they flew into a raging mess. Irregardless, it's time to step down from this emotional rollercoaster before the ride becomes too tough to handle. Imagine my mind torn between the war of thoughts over nothing. I think I need to be overhauled for tapping on wrong signals and vibes.

I still think she is one attractive character. And I also believe she is better off where she is now, without excess interferences.

Unless Fate forbids.

Ha

You r indeed one big bloody dreamer, Sam.

D

Was so shacked out juz now and dropped dead 6 hrs ago only to wake up at 530am. Damnz. With 3 hrs away from work, to sleep or to surf? Been having this niggling pain/discomfort in my chest/abdomen. Esp when I am breathing...hav I kena stomach inflammation again? Shit.

Guess the beautiful short episode is juz tat. Short. Knowing myself, I can't see myself enagaging in anything more...not when there isn't much signs. (I am not exactly an assured person...) The last thing I want is to be called a bloody pest. (I have very hight EQ...) It's amazing how my mind can fucked myself up sometimes, when you over manifested your tots and one thing juz led to another. All inside the HEAD. Simply amazing. I am either imaginative or *phucked. In a span of a day, I think I shared the story with 5 persons. I juz wanna tell someone, anyone and everyone. Maybe it has been too long, maybe I never had an encounter like this before, or maybe D is different. She totally redefined and challenged my 'Rules of Engagement'

I sweared I msged her cos of our common passion. Still I dunno why I DARE to do it. And I wasn't exactly expecting a response. D is too forthcoming, too unpredictable. And it caught me unprepared. I muz hav seemed like a jerk for saying goodbye RIGHT after the session...when her posture doesn't seemed eager to go off yet.
(*Paiseh...I din really know what to say. Like what everyone told me, a gentleman WOULD at least offer to send u home, even if you were to decline. No brownie points there.)

Where is the famous implusive and courageous traits when I needed it? Am I missing anything by being passive?

Something is stirring. Hmm. Maybe I am juz hoping.

Indeed, there will always be one hill higher than the other.

I met someone 'new' today, chatted and ended the night singing KTV. All on the first day. Amazing.

'New' cos I met her 2 years back thru a buddy. Added her on FB thru this bud, never spoken to her, dunno much about her. Somehow, something make me click on her profile again one ramdom day. And I will always clicked and checked. And checked again. Then I decided to read up on her info.

"hmm....we have quite alot of similar interests wo...esp music and singing.."

Yesterday, not discounting the chance I might be treated like a weirdo or freak, I gave her a msg. Cos I heard she is a good singer. Cos for the appreciation of good voice. Cos for the love of music.

I am Impressed. She is fantastic. I am humbled.

D is one little pocket dynamo. Apparently she 'worked' with Roy (黎沸揮) before. She juz raised the benchmark. Even Marc said she is the best he heard so far in all our KTV sessions. And that is 15 yrs of sessions, mind you.

I muz ask her out for another session. Oh, did I say she is cute? ;)

Matter of choices OR a state of mind?

I never wonder what tomorrow brings.

Maybe Life has been routinized, maybe I allow myself to sit in a comfort zone, maybe my life is juz mundane. 2-3 people might call me daily...sometimes the mobile dun even ring for one whole bloody day.

Most of the time, I dunno what I wanna do or where I wanna go. How can I think of Tomorow when I dunno what is happening Today?

Ah long said it's time he starts doing things he wanna do and he is making big sacrifice. But he is happy. So are others who are doing things they love. Long said once you are happy, issues will take care of themselves.

How do you KNOW you will be happy with the choice you make? Do you go on searching and changing or do you learn to be happy with wat you are doing now?

Do you dare to take the plunge, for better or worse?

Love, while it lasts.

Sometimes we spend too much time doing stuffs not concerning loved ones.

I remember when I first met her, I was swept away. I was glad we did got together eventually and had many beautiful memories. She told me she wanted me to be the man of her life. I was crushed when I lost the queen of my heart. I might never see her again.

We dun need departures to realise their importance. It's never enough just telling them how much you love them.

You might not have another chance again.

This is for the hypocritical fence-sitting friends

I knew I have a violent streak inside. Esp when agitated, esp when drunk.

Anyone who is close enough or have spend some time with me would have witness this flaw. It must have taken one of my buddies some courage (plus half a bottle of Chivas) to tell me this in my face. I heard alot of truth that night...and I am thankful for your honesty. With this volatile temperament, not many would want to incur my wrath.

I am consistently biased, very opinionated and very difficult to get along. I knew that all along. It's something I consciously live with, something I try to suppress all the time. With age, I have better control. Still, an idiot is never too far away to try my limits.

'That's why he has lesser frens now..' '..he's just like a walking timebomb...' '...dun let him drink so much lah...' are some of the things I heard that night. Some from my buddy's mouth, some quoted from others. I am not angry with the remarks, but rather upset...but everyone is entitled to their opinions too. When most start having a similar impression of this sorts, there must be some truth. I do agreed with most but I felt rather pointless to defend myself. Everyone does love a good-looking chap, who is nice, friendly and almost neutral outwardly to the extent that he seems like an angel. This person definitely has his own opinions about you or the situation. He is just too 'nice' to let you know.

I hate fence-sitters. They are indecisive, they sway, and they fear to stand up for their themselves. Some will call them 'peace-loving' but I call them cowards. With logic and sense as a benchmark, it's ok to speak up and be heard. It's VERY ok to know how to agree to disagree or vice versa. It's not about challenging each other, it's about the whole existence of yourself. As long as there is mutual respect for one another, we should expose our minds to others and learn or listen. Aren't you being hypocritical when you fail to speak your mind instead?

It's ok to disagree with me. I won't swallow you, hit you or kill you. If you think you make sense and GENUINELY wants to communicate your thinking, DO IT god dammit!! Being genuine is about conveying your thoughts across, and it's not about embarrassing others, winning the debate or making yourself look good. So bloodly stop being so self-righteous when your motives is less than commending.

I am not Superman. And he wears his red undies outside, so what say you?


PS : I dun need you to love me, I am juz being myself. I spark only when tested, only when it's about you versus me. An Aries never back down from a challenge (if YOU wants it to be one). I defend when being attacked. I am not a troublemaker, please get that into your fucking head. Having an above-average look, wealth or body frame is a BONUS. It does not make you any better than the rest of us. Pray hard you still have the same attributes in your next life.

Media Pimps & Whores.

*Deep breath*

Everyday I read news of all sorts being reported. The Singapore F1 blah blah blah...Lewis Hamilton and his pussy dolls GF...The blah blah wedding of C Lee and F Wong...Ms blah blah Zhang and her BFF hairstylist not being served cos boutique IS CLOSING...Ms Singlish Low and her credit cards blah blah blah...

Seriously, how much media filth are lining today's headlines?

The blatant glamourising of celebrities' lives, senseless worshipping of wealth and over-coverage of 'dirty linens' news are getting to be an eyesore. 'Freedom of Speech' is one thing while feeding media trash is another. The line is blurring and I wonder what is the basis of media ethnics nowadays. To make-believe, to influence or juz purely to sell figures?

Maybe it's the 'demand versus supply' symptoms. When there are 'willing' readers, there will be 'trying' writers. More readers, less news, more shit. Therefore I consciously select my reading materials, though there are times when the 'devilish' covers or headlines are juz too hard to ignore. These reporters should self-regulate their works and maybe be a lit more socially responsible, other than amplifying those insubstanstial characters or happenings. Prolonged mental poisoning can be highly devastating to ignorant minds.

If Singapore is the one hit by floods or earthquake now, Ms F Wong would be swimming in her Indian-themed gown...with Riz Low telling RazorTV how the earthquake 'boomz' her. And that bloody sissy botak hairstylist will complain again how his Ms BFF Zhang cannot shop cos all boutiques are flooded.

Give me a break.