August

4 months more and it's goodbye 2009!

I promised myself to end every year better than the last. Doesn't have to be spectacular, juz some little improvement or achievement. Though lots have happened this year, there's nothing I can be happy about yet. Hope it's not going to be a fruitless year.

Moving forward, I hope to be more involved with music...writing more songs and meeting more like-minded peeps. Even if I couldn't have a career outta this passion, I still want to be able to enjoy music as much as possible. I have a crazy idea to jet off to Taiwan and pursue my passion there. At least it seems more possible to 'live musically', given the established industry and vibrant music scene. Anyway this crazy thought is for a crazy me to do on a crazy day. Let's see if this day comes. I plan to do more travelling too...other than therapeutic for me, there's much to learn from other cultures. Maybe if I can find a place suitable for a 'mainstream outcast' like myself, I will get outta this shithole here and settle there permanantly. (I dun hate Singapore. I juz never like her.)

I haben been thinking too much recently...juz doing some ramdom or spontaneous stuffs and bounce along with Life. I think I deserve a break and mmm...go a little easy on myself. Shit happens and Life goes on. People that matters are still fine, even if some are not fine WITH me. I am happy somehow... knowing they are okay and living. Life is too short for grievances or haterd and I definitely prefer nicer memories with everyone than not, shall I go one day.

So...August is beautiful and I am going to end it with a wonderful trip with 2 other fools. Let's see if I, the Chief Fool, can find more fools to fool around foolishly in BKK!! Sebai sebai!!

Happiness as it is

I am not weak.

I am not challenging anything. I dun plan for tomorrow. I dun know how to start. I have lots to say. I dun talk cos no one listens. I breathe with no regards to time, day or place. I keep it inside cos everyone has their own shits. I need someone but I trust no one. I choose to be alone cos no one realises I am lonely. I sing cos I need a voice. I drink to conceal my worries. I smoke to be at peace with myself. I dun cry cos it's already sad inside. I wanna go to somewhere new, with a new name, a new identity, a new life.

I dun wanna be Sam anymore. I wanna be happy.

When is it too late to dream?

Lately I have been inspired by this young Taiwanese gal named 蚊子. Watching all her videos on youtube excites me, as much as make me sad.

In this elitist society like Singapore, accademic excellence is more important than talent in creative arts. With a degree, you are almost assured of a decent payout. Our system here have the opportunities and placements for the 'smart ones' (not necessary intelligent..) and professional designations are revered by most. It's definitely a path less trodden for the 'arty farties', given the developed status of the country.

Well...it's not too bad now..at least the government is trying to put something in place with arts festivals, sports school and some other nonsense. The sad part is maybe I have missed the boat, passed my prime and with aching bones plus escalating weight, I can't see how am I going to dance like little 蚊子. Shake a little perhaps...dance..i can't imagine.

Someone told me 'when u badly want something the world will conspire to make it happen...'

It's very very encouraging (thanx M***lyn!)...BUT will anyone still be interested to see an old fart sing and dance...tight pants, tummy and all by then?

Rant.

2:25 a.m.

7 hours away from work, 3 days away from off day, coming 2 months away from you.

Life goes on. Cos I not not dead. Though a part of me died, when I started walking alone. I might not gain many 'approval nods', I found my resonance in others too. Definitely more fastidious, but still empathic....more awareness and less patronising.

Too many faces out there everyday for me to draw any relevance or connection. Other than the handful I withdrawn into, I shut off from the daily crowd. I hear nothing from within...no hints from the brain, no clues from the heart. I feel like I am submerged in my own realm, everything is surreal already. I feel lonely. I feel alone.

I listen to others' tales...tales of love, of lust or watever. And I smirked. Cos I know they are all the same. It's like a vicious cycle, to and fro till an entity or emotion is no more. I have finally submits to Life's dealer hands and refuses to put anymore stakes. We juz never win, rite? No matter how much we try... we juz never win.

If it's already plotted, already pre-planned...shall I wait for whatever is coming? If so many are living a life so unjustified, why do I go on justifying mine? Dear Almightly (if there's any..), how do you judge and determine our journeys? Why are there farkers driving lambos, idiots acting like rambos, while some are living in limbos?

Are you juz as flawed as us?