Sometimes there is no explanation to why we do the things we do.

1. Talking to yourself.
2. Drinking alone when you are already lonely.
3. Spending time scrolling thru your FB's frens' updates when their lifes dun really concern you.
4. One more puff when you are one cig away from a sorethroat.
5. Getting nervous and blushed in the presence of someone you dun really know.
6. Convincing yourself it's ok for that one more purchase/drink/taxi-trip/misc. when you know you are down to your last pennies.
7. Encouraging people to do the things you will never try to do.
8. Failed to speak to your parents nicely/patiently/softly everytime, no matter how many times you regretted it.
9. Taking taxis to work and get caught in a bloody jam when it's about the same travelling time as public trains.
10. Behaving consciously even when no one is really looking at you.
11. Reprimand others for the exact same flaws/mistakes you have/made.
12. Sucking in your tummy infront of the mirror when you know deep inside the tummy is still big.
13. Keep doing one-sided actions when the other boy/gal dun really bothers.
14. Sleeping late when you have to wake up early the next day.
15. Trying to pose your best shots when all your pictures will look the same to others. (It's still the same face, idiot.)
16. Clinging on to bad choices when it's easier to let go.
17. Getting disappointed/angry/disillusioned/sore about love when deep down you still craved Love.
18. Feeling good wearing your fav clothes/having a good hair day/having clearer skin/being richer etc. etc. when actually nothing much change, since yesterday.
19. Checking your mobile for smses/messages/replies when you know there is actually none.
20. Hoping everyone will likes you when you know it's never possible.
21. Dreaming that the guy/gal you fancy will SUDDENLY fall in love with you by dreaming about it.
22. Trying your best to fart softly and pretend to be innocent when the smell is a dead give-away.
23. Telling people you are sorry when you will repeat the same act.
24. Cover yourself under blanket and pretend that any ghosts will not see you.
25. Getting angry/upset/moody over a song/serial/post etc. when you know it's actually generic or not about you.
26. Struggling to keep awake writing this stupid post when I should be sleeping.
27. Still trying to write some more points when I should be sleeping.
28.
29.
30.

fools we can be, sometimes. hah.

In loving memory of Yanyan ~May 1998 - Apr 2010~

As always, lying comfy on my legs.

I heard about her condition and was prepared for the worst. Still, her eventual departure did not make my sadness any easier to take. I am never good with news of deaths, esp from closed ones. And Yan is a closed one. She is family.

I have always love dogs and I believe I will be a loving owner to one. But my mum's resistance to having a furry creature scrambling around the houshold, ceased all thoughts of becoming one. I have encountered a few...some pets of frens, some strays. They are always inquisitve, responsive and highly intelligent. And their eyes...always seem to be telling you something. I dunno if dogs are always best frens to man, but they are definitely faithful. They smell you, lick you and remember your kindness and love to them. And they always miss you, no matter how long you have been away. And it's maybe of this faithfulness I share and admire, I feel that dogs will always be loyal companions.

I met Yan somewhere in June 2005. She eyed my presence warily and treaded carefully around my feet. For all her receiving nature, she can never be too careful with strangers. But she is instinctively warm and receptive, her trusting personality overcame our initial awkwardness and soon after she was licking away at my palm. For a new boyfriend then, bought home to meet the gal's family, it was very unnerving but Yan gave me her first stamp of approval. Aunty must be pleased that her fav pet had endorsed this new member. And Yan indirectly helped foster the first pillars of the relationship that I would come to have with her lady master years after. I didn't had much interactions with dogs, let alone handle one. When Yan came over to lie on my legs for the first time, I decided that maybe, I should give her a head massage.

With her head on my calf, i started knealing Yan's head slowly, half wary of her liking towards this friendly gesture I adopted and regretting the choice I made already. Her eyes were half-closed, body was still. I stopped briefly and Yan opened her eyes, as if urging me to continue. I increased the intensity and she let out soft sighs of enjoyment. It must have been a queer sight, for a full-grown man to massage a small canine's head. My reputation as a 'man with nimble fingers' was cemented that night and my list of willing volunteers grew in the family. It was a great introduction and the rest, as always said, is history :)

I was to engaged her in this act of intimacy for the next 5 plus years, until recently. The last time I met her, she was frail and half of what I used to remembered her by. Yan is an aging 12 years O now. I knew her time was near and I knew she knew too. Her last struggle to greet me at the doorway will not be forgotten. I know she is going to a better place, and I know I will not be forgotten too.

Yan o...

Thank you for all the beautiful memories, thank you for being such a dearie, thank you for being there in some of my sweetest moments. I am sorry I haven't been able to accompany you till your last days and please pardon my absence in your times of needs. It has been my great fortune to have you graced my life with love and attention, and no matter where you are now, Korkor wish you much love and peace. Have a safe journey home, my little one.

you will be much missed.

love,

Korkor.

brooding.

I think I need a shrink.

I am growing detached from my environment and I am scared. I put on a facade everyday, doing things which I dun desire, moving around like an empty shell, devoid of self. What is myself? Where is myself? How should I be myself? I dunno myself anymore. I am compromising myself so that I can come to terms with people around me.

I see them happy, I see them sad. I wonder what is in their heads. I wonder what is in mine.

Sigh. Get me another drink.

Writing is just chicken soup for my soul.

I chose to blog.
At this time last year, I am like a dozen posts ahead of what I have clocked now. Maybe I lose the desire to write as often, maybe I lose the words to express myself, maybe somethings... should be left unwritten. Still, blogging is a good habit to sustain. And bloggin has been a faithful and reliable 'soulmate' on this literal journay so far. On a personal gratification, I documented phases and happenings in my life which I can reflect or reminiscence on later. I learn, practise and increase my vocabulary for better articulation of thoughts. I leave traces of inner sentiments and thoughts for others to know/blast the real me. I allow my faithful readers to have periodic updates on my life. Best of all, it makes me feel that I am not alone.

I do not have a mental condition (or so I believe), but sometimes the channeling of thoughts to putting them into words feels like I am relating my story to myself. In a nutshell, I like talking to myself. Though if such act is being replicate in physical terms, I would be deemed a nutcase. But seriously, who understands me better than myself? And through the mental tussle between the good and evil within, I withhold the balance,faith and strength to live out my life, hopefully a better person. Maybe I am blessed with this innate ability to self-heal, self-reproach and self-correct...and instilled with ethical upbringing, blogging is like having a imaginary fren to keep me guided. Not all likes to write, and some writes for lesser reasons. As long as it serve your purpose, keep writing. The placement of words in carefully-structured sentences are such delight! When utilized to the best of its maximum capacity, English is such a beautiful language! Not that I will purposefully write rhetorically for impressionable reasons though, but the right words do convey more accurate reflections of my state of mind, giving emotions and visuals than just plain, cold texts. But there are days when the brain juz can't conjure any suitable words for elaboration, and I simply sounded crude, vulgar or even ah-bengish. I can stare blankly at an empty post draft for hours, while the brain spins hectically to drop the first words. It's like me refusing to listen or talk to myself...hahah..you won't believe how tormented I feel afterwards, being 'rejected' by myself.

Some have told me to include visuals to spice up my blog. Unless very necessary, when words can't replicate the exact intensity of that particular moment, this blog will stay the way it is. I consciously avoid uploading pictures of myself or mates in case of unwarranted implications. And on this virtual platform in cyberspace, it's still best to remain virtual.


I might be juz a nick, juz another blogger, juz another site. But Sam is as real as you can get.

8 a.m. post.

I can't remember the last time I lie on bed without catching a single wink.

I tot about ah yan. I tot about how aunty is going to receive the bad news. I tot about work and jessica. I tot about Shernice. I tot about Yang. I tot about money. I tot about my colleagues. I tot about her. I tot about having to work without sleeping.

3o mins. Checked.

Fuck. It's going to be a long, tiring day later. And I am sneezing away like shit now. Sigh...Ah choooo!

And that fucking ache on my upper back which is causing me so much misery! How on earth did I sprain myself there during bathing? (Thanx to the shooters, Shernice!) I must have been rather wasted that day, cos my mum complained about finding one shower head on the toilet floor with water still flowing. If that's not bad enuff, I found my toothbrush beside the toilet bowl. Hmm. I am one alcoholic whore.

22 mins. Checked.

I am sad that ah yan lost the fight, but 12 yrs is more or less the lifespan for canines. I juz hope it's going to be pain free. Somehow, ah yan's eventual demise seems like the final nail into the last sentiments reserved. Have a good trip home, yan..and be blessed.
Jessica is seriously treading on everyone's thinning nerves. I dun wish to break her ricebowl, but being kind to her is going to hurt the team. If we can't throw her overboard, I think the team is going to jump off themselves. Why can't she have some decency and walk away with some pride intact? Whatever is going to happen next, it is going to be very, very ugly.
I haben heard from Yang for awhile now. And I am wondering if he's alrite. Drop me a msg or something, bro! (if you are reading this)

15 mins. Checked.

Money. Damn those legalised denominations on paper!! Filthy little things that we all can't do without! Is there any SOS button I can activate to send them falling from the sky? Heaven must be a wonderful place without the need for money, or not...God muz be holding one of the highest-paid jobs around. Churches are getting rich from donations and pastors are staying in landed properties nowadays. Is God decked in Giogio Armanis?

5 mins. Checked.

I need food later to last the day. Eyes are going to be strained from lack of sleep and facing the monitor. Ciggies will be on standby. Water will be comsumed in huge quantites. Jessica should be on half day, maybe I can catch a power nap. Work is juz plain chore now.

Good news/stuffs never come in bundles. Shitty ones follow one after another. Fuck me, hit me with your best shot.

1 min. Checked. Yawn.


Let the day begins.

Day after day.

Every month, I wait for payday. Every week, I wait for offdays. Everyday, I wonder what is going to happen the next day. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday...I dunno when is the last time I actualy bother it's that particular day. Damn, I dun even bother what is IN a day.

I am living precariously by the seconds...maybe I haben find the reason to live.

The world spins everyday, people all over do their stuffs everyday and the people acquainted with me do their stuffs everyday. But I dunno how many of those are living Life the way they wanted to. I viewed some of their doings very inconsequential, very insignificant...some are bothered by very petty stuffs, some are detached from the real world, some are burdened by shitty happenings. Everyone have their stories, their reasons, their motives to live on, fight on or drag on. I live mine trying to understand why I am living. The way to survive, to justify my every actions, my existence.

I gained some, I lost some everyday. I gained kilos by losing time, drinking. I lost youth, gaining experiences. I lost myself by trying to understand what I am losing. One day I believe I will finally know, when someday I am taken. Someday can be any day, and sometimes I am shaken. But I also know any day will be juz 'one day', and everything will be taken. So day by day, day after day...we do what we do until it's the last day of our lives. Amazing how Life can promise so much, yet offer so little assurances. And we are all lead to believe that somehow, we are never the first in line to go and no bad can ever happen. So that we can seize the day! So that we can make our lives count! So that we can make good whatever we are doing!

Only to realise that Today might be our last.

So what is going to happen to things unfinished? What is going to happen to relationships left behind? To that dream job? To that newly-purchased LV bag? To that head-turning car? To everything that matters to you?

What is going to happen to you? Nothing. You juz disappear and the world moves on.

So why are we all still happy or sad doing/chasing/craving/dreaming/justifying/cursing/boasting blah blah blah about whatever we are going through now?


Just live, just breathe...
when Today is the same as the last,
Just live, just breathe...
for Today might juz be your last!

~ Sam G

For He's A Jolly Good Fellow

5 days of drinks.

I was so drained that I rushed home right after the big Manchester soccer derby and snoozed. I dozed off infront of my lappie, went to bed with an aching neck at 11pm, got wakened by a freak dream.

And my eyes haben close till now...7 am. Fuck.

Someone asked me if I am happier nowadays, after being alone. And I replied '...not really, but at least I am not bothered....' Guess this is the standard doctrine of my everyday life currently...not being bothered and not bothering. The heart took awhile to recuperate, and while I am recharging, there's simply not enough 'power' within to get too intensive. So gymming stopped. Running never got started. Drinking becomes additive. And money is draining. Fast.

Health is going, tummy is growing and Life in general, is grouching.

Maybe I kinda allowed myself this period of hibernation to prepare for the months ahead, since impending situations are approaching...like the relocation of store, the amassing pressure from credit digits and taking on a new capacity at work. It's time to take the lead, show my mettle and face my shits. I will have to bury my greviances, slain the inner devil and roll up my slevees. It's payback time, and it's about time too.

Well, at least there's something to expect, even if not entirely desired. Maybe any sort of activity can kickstart my engine from its deep slumber and continue my journey again, in a more positve manner. I am doing much redundant stuffs now cos I dun feel like doing anything, which in return is making me doing every redundant things. Classic vicious cycle, isn't it? Ha, the irony of Life.

My soul is perhaps lonely, after having reciporcated attention from Love for so long. I wish to be stirred again and experience the tender, sweet loving from a special one. Without sounding like a desperado, Sam's heart is craving to be touched. With love, he can move mountains. Okay, maybe not MOUntains...but at least, he moves. 'To be moved, to move. TOYOTA.'  Not a bad tagline for a car commercial!

Blog more often, write more music, smoke lesser, sleep earlier, lose some weight...


Starts living, sam!

To save a sinking ship. Dump the captain or the crew?

It's always at the back of my mind. I am reminded constantly, with her presence. I couldn't stop thinking about it since last night. Today I didn't even bother finding an excuse to skip work anymore.

I always feel,

1. When you dread going to work, it's time to go.
2. When you cannot motivate yourself coming to work, it's time to go.
3. When you are becoming a liabiity to your team, it's time to go.
4. When you expire all solutions to a better workplace, it's time to go.

I fulfilled the first 3 points already and I can sense that my end is near. My final surge for a resolvement is going to happen a week from now, and seriously..I am not optimisstic. The issues have been lingering around for far too long, and with each passing day, it's getting harder to overcome...

Company B has a ship. And this ship needs 5 staffs to operate, namely the Captain, the 2nd-in-command (2IC) and 3 crews ( C1, C2 and C3). Everyone was interviewed and 'carefully' chosen based on their area of expertise. Everything seemed perfect on paper until the ship started sailing. They knew the sea was rough, and the journey ahead was arduous. But they were inspired. Or most were inspired to laboured on, knowing the fruits could only be sweeter. With hope, with teamwork, with motivation and leadership...they looked forward to the momentous task ahead. Alas! Life is not too rosy or easy afterall! A clash of opinions (with the captain) saw the 2IC left. C3 deserted his duties and was removed accordingly. Those that stayed ploughed on. A new Commanding Officer (CO) subsequently replaced the old one,  and another 2 new crews were enlisted (C4, C5). Things should be looking good again. Or so they thought. 

I have had wonderful memories of Breguet with my mates. Not everyone though but they know who they are. They are not just colleagues, they are friends. We have shared more than work, we have touched each other's lives and we have seen each other aged. If not for these good people, I would have left long ago. If not for the stong rapport and bonding we share, many would have left long ago. If not for our tolerated acceptance towards her, she should have left long ago.

2 1/2 years have passed since.

The ship is still sailing, abeit worsening climates. The team couldn't help with unforeseen situations but...something which was suspected intially, had became too apparent to ignore. The Captain. The wonderfully nice but audaciously incompetent Captain. She is nice, too nice in fact. She never flares nor criticises, she wears a motherly-like facade and she never raises her voice. But behind this protrayal of supposed kindness...conceals attributes of selfishness, compelling stubborness and non-existent leadership. She has the best meals, the most perks yet the least of contributions. She shuns away from critical situations, dodges the bullets and hinders procedures. SHe is the Captain and it's always her way or no way. There's no room for democracy. Slowly but surely, the resentment towards her builds up. Her flaws outweigh her strengths (if there's any to speak of), and her handicap in complying her duties is so glaring, it's hard to ignore. Her crews stop doing more than they could, sometimes they even stop doing what they should. Why should they accomadate their Captain's inadequacies, and let her have the cake and eat it too? They are beaten, disillusioned and disheartened. Without the full coordination of teamwork and leadership, their ship is sailing sugglishly to nowhere. They can do without her in this instance then, if she can't steer and command the ship better than they do, of which it's least expected of her. Experience in managing a ship doesn't ONLY means delegating complusory duties to others, while she accomplishes those inconsequential ones. Being instated as a Captain doesn't ONLY means being addressed as one. She have to walk her talk, instead of just talking. She have to take the lead and show her mettle.

The Breguet team is definitely showing signs of dissent. Any respect towards her, have only been superficial, maybe due to her title more than capabilities. Her standing as a manager has all but eroded. In our minds, she is redundant to the team, though not necessarily surplus. She has her worth still, maybe just not implemented into the right capacity. With immediate tweaking, damage can still be salvaged. If only Fabian will take note. If only Fabian has been listening to our subtle ramblings. If only Fabian knows beneath the air of peace, a storm is brewing. Soon.

"Shall we throw her overboard?"

The crew whispered among themselves.

"Shall we unite and risk being punished together? Shall we continue accepting the Captain's blatant discharge of irrelevant commands and endorse her insipid leadership? Or should we all just jump ship?"  

The crews always huddle together and discuss their options. Her induction was a mistake since day one and she has expired their patience. But...they are reluntant to act on their thoughts and banish her presence away from the ship forever. Not because she don't deserve it, but because they acknowledged that the Captain was never evil. Selfish? yes but never malicious. But does being nice, warrant an extended lease of engagement? By being kind to her, are they being shortchanged instead? No. They cannot be swayed. No amount of kindness can render the obvious truth that she has to be dispensed. Before all of them perish in a sinking ship...

WHen one man is prejudiced towards another, maybe he is biased. But when a TEAM shared the same sentiments, they couldn't possibly be in cahoots. No one was even sharing their opinions about her at all, until their frustrations towards her boiled over. How can the urge to remove someone happen so suddenly, in unison? THis is not sudden, definitely not. Bit by bit, little by little, she does herself no favour by persisting in her slanted ways of running the operation. Her self-imposed exemption from aftersales service, her self-proclaimed benefits of having every weekends off (when the rest only have twice a month), her consistently-miscued ways in planning the roster to her benefits and her embarrassingly lack of knowledge on our business products. Morale has hit rock-bottom. Hope is becoming doom. Her often-labeled 'staffs' (not colleagues) are diverting away from her. She is sitting alone, high and mightly on her pedestral...oblivious to the reception of her antics. None of us bothers trying anymore. Due to one misplaced person, the whole team are becoming liabilities. No one wants to work for her/with her anymore. Oh! How we celebrated her off days!! We are passing time, or maybe buying time...till the next opportunity comes. Who is the biggest loser now? Are you still insistent on your misguided faith in her absolute abilities, Fabian?



Dump the Captain or the crew? You tell me.