Self-fucked

I am wasting away my life slowly.

Everyday passed without me any step closer to wat I wanna be. Am I procrastinating or being compromised by situations? Can I really take a stand and make my choice? And I realises I can't. I can't...because of resources or my current state of mind, I dunno. But I am unhappy so constantly that maybe subconsciously I am telling myself it's ok to be unhappy. I would have label someone like this as 'depressed' but I dun feel like I am in depression yet. Cos I know what is going on, I am still pondering and I am still questioning. But my mind is screwing me up, trappping me in this maze of Qs & As, dragging me deeper into this circle of pessimism. It's an endless chase and I need to STOP chasing desperately.

Sam would have despise me now, then again...Sam was younger before. Maybe Youth 'belittled' Fear and with age, you gained more awareness of repercussions. I am definitely a pale shade of my former self but I never felt more connected to Self than now. I really understand what is happpening to me. There is really nothing to be happy about. I am not sick.

I juz can't help it.