A Sign of Lymphoma?

There's 2 lumps on the left side of my neck for weeks. Yang suggested doing a Lymph node biopsy to dispel my concerns.


I am more concerned about what can I NOT do than what can I do abt it. Do I really need to know if I am REALLY having problems with my health? I know I am being stubborn.


It's only abt finishing my race earlier than later. I still cross the finishing line.

Self-fucked

I am wasting away my life slowly.

Everyday passed without me any step closer to wat I wanna be. Am I procrastinating or being compromised by situations? Can I really take a stand and make my choice? And I realises I can't. I can't...because of resources or my current state of mind, I dunno. But I am unhappy so constantly that maybe subconsciously I am telling myself it's ok to be unhappy. I would have label someone like this as 'depressed' but I dun feel like I am in depression yet. Cos I know what is going on, I am still pondering and I am still questioning. But my mind is screwing me up, trappping me in this maze of Qs & As, dragging me deeper into this circle of pessimism. It's an endless chase and I need to STOP chasing desperately.

Sam would have despise me now, then again...Sam was younger before. Maybe Youth 'belittled' Fear and with age, you gained more awareness of repercussions. I am definitely a pale shade of my former self but I never felt more connected to Self than now. I really understand what is happpening to me. There is really nothing to be happy about. I am not sick.

I juz can't help it.

How are you?

Maybe I sounded harsh when I said it. Maybe I said it to hurt you. Maybe I am as hurt as you.

It has been some time since I have any updates of you. I dun keep in touch with your frens, you dun leave traces in FB and I dun bump into you by chance. I still check up on you thru whatever means I can and I do want to know how you are getting on. Less those bits of fotos that I have seen, I dunno what is keeping you busy right now. Sometimes I wish there will be an impromptu call from you, for whatever reasons. Then again, I told you to get out of my life totally. I felt I had to say so...but it doean't mean I mean it totally.

I have learnt to live without you. It's not easy and I still can't control the pangs of sadness swelling inside whenever I think of you. I can't be like this if I want to move on, especially when I know I HAVE to move on. I dun have a choice for us.

The day when I remember I was missing you, will be the day I make peace with my heart. It saddens me to know this day will eventually comes... when you can no longer cause anymore sadness. It is a struggle dealing with this dilemna, a struggle to keep memories of you for awhile longer, a struggle to keep you in or out of consciousness. In one of my drunken stupor, I heard myself calling your name. My head can conceals, but my heart don't denies.

Till then, I am missing you indefinitely. And I hope you are happy.

Solemnity

I see my life as a mixed process of routines, randomness, pre-plans and the unexpected. I see others penning out theirs more or less like mine too. Maybe some have aspirations or dreams to chase, some have important roles to fulfill, or maybe some are just living by default.

I haven't been able to put words to thoughts for awhile. I am disturbed...but I can't really figure out why. I am perplexed by 'what COULD have-beens' or 'what SHOULD have-beens'. Have you wonder if along the way, if you have made a different decision...something as simple as skipping school for that day or sleeping another hour later then, things might just be so different now. I wished some things could have been better, but then again I might lose other things which have already been better. Such is the discontentment and ambiguity in me, I sometimes wish I have never existed. Having consciousness is one thing, having acceptance is another and I hardly have both at the same time. It's always a 'half-glass empty' perception for me.

Life can be so amazing by weaving everyone's lives into one big time capsule, yet at the same time gives us our share of individualisms. No 2 men are alike in every aspects and that's what shaped us into each distinctive person. Having everyone of us going about our own lives and yet making this world functional, is simply spectacular. How on earth are we able to be so self-absorbed and pre-occupied with our lifes and yet co-existed collectively? What happen if we are the only one on earth? Maybe all those life, love, work etc. problems will not be an issue anymore cos the only problem then is about being alone. Who bothers and who can you bother?

I have been trying to understand ' what exactly is Life all about'. It really depends on where, when, what and who is answering this question. 'A' thinks that Life is about Bangkok, gymming and serial dramas...'B' wakes up everyday worrying about her work, money and kids...'C' wants more money and love, maybe straighter hair too. 'D''s life is no different from yesterday or tomorrow...'E' hopes the partying never ends!...'F' needs a good holiday...'G' wants...'H' feels...I'...'J'...

sigh...Life. Ha.

Stuck

I am lost in the space of Time.

There are many things I wanna do but I am doing none of them now. I feel trapped everyday, living the life I am having. I need a big stroke of fortune to change this situation. In God's grace, if it's meant to be...I will be getting out of Singapore permanently. I am willing to leave behind everything in exchange for happiness in the years to come. Nothing here endears to me anymore. Absolutely nothing.

I have always been lonely, and alone I will be.