Pennies for my thoughts.

I never think I am going to live very long. Not with my heavy smoking anyway.

I cannot imagine the damage I am doing to my lungs daily, draggin' on those little soulmates. These soulmates are not cheap, rising by the double over the years...but there will be an even heavier price to pay later on.

I started gymming again recently (time to whack myself into shape!), given the time I have on hand. I will start running very soon too. Maybe it's part of the adjustment to be able to 'function' alone. Maybe it's the relunctance to be too socially available. Maybe it's the anti-smoking poster I came across days ago. Maybe I dun wanna die so young after all.

The last time I felt really lost and stuck was when I was 15. I juz woke up one day and can't seemed able to think sensibly anymore. Wat happened next was years of downward spiral. Things became better when I had someone to love and care for, and this accounted for the last 8 years of my life. I was never too alone and had a healthy social circle. I know good times dun last, but they were fun while they did. I have aged, definitely mellowed, but none the wiser about the future. The future...it's freaking me out not knowing when, what, where and how. I know the feeling of loss and emptiness will creep back one day.

And today is the day.

When yr peers starts having children and stops being childish, when your mum no longer nags for coming home late, when your idols starts passing away, when you can't last 24hrs without an eyeshut, when the young ones starts calling you 'uncle', when you felt 31 yrs passed by juz like that and you wish you were young again. When you starts saying alot of 'whens', you know you are edging closer to death then before.

I am going to compile a list of 'to-dos' and starts accomplishing them. Nothing too difficult, nothing too far-fetched. I think the time is right to embark on a journey of self-discovery and clock as much mileage as possible. Once this consolidation year is over, 2010 will be the flip of a brand new page. As fearful as I am to tread forward, I relish the chance to finish my latter half of my life on a 'high'. Baby steps or leap, Sam is not going to stay stationary anymore.

Live everyday like it's your last. Carpe diem, Sam! Carpe diem!