Melancholic

Sometimes I can pictured myself in some artistic movie, dark-grey toned...in a scene where the actor juz sat there beneath a dimmed shade...smoking, drinking and weeping. He would be a loner, a lonely musician...and he sings so well on his piano, singing songs so blue, his voice so coarse from ciggies...from his blues to the blues...I can put it on loop all day.

I am juz a simple man... looking for happiness. But Sadness completes me, for I would not have desired happiness. In my alcohol-induced state of mind, everything is beautiful, everywhere is beautiful and everyone will be beautiful...(If only everybody is alcoholic!) It's so much easier being a bastard, an idiot or a mother-fucker isn't it? Or juz be alone?

This song by Buble on my playlist 'Dream' came on as I was thinking....'Dreammm...when u'r feeling blue...dreammm....tat's the thing to do...' mmm...how appropraite for the moment now!

I kinda miss you. I dunno what is upsetting you. I dun really wanna distanced myself from you. Sigh...everyone of you, what went wrong between us?

Just being me.

I must have ruffled a few feathers recently. Other then the conscious effort to avoid some, I think one is consciously avoiding me too.

The above header is self-explanatory.

Everyone is entitled to their own beliefs, behaviours, opinions, speeches etc...irregardless the reprecussions. You just have to be ready to receive the consequential aftermath. If at any point of time, I have pissed you off through any course of actions, too bad. It was never intentional unless you have been a real asshole. I never ever set out to hurt, and if I did, it was juz to let known my displeasures and unhappiness. If we are still perpectually in touch, it doesn't mean I like what you are doing/thinking/behaving TOTALLY. It's only becos I know I am as flawed as you are, and you haven't exceed my tolerance of you yet. I will respect your views until my empathy grinds to a complete halt. By then, either you have become an asshole or I am an asshole to you too.

I am not some self-centered, egomaniac trying to be self-righteous. I juz believe I definitely have the right to choose the people or lifestyle I can be comfortable with. Transitions can be a day's affair, a week, sometimes years. I am in the middle of an evolvement which I think will leads to a better Me. And it's not for anyone else to tell me otherwise. I dun live for you, and you dun die for me...so save your criticisms and judgements for yourself. You dun need me to endorse what you believe might be a 'better' you too.

I am in complete mercy of the misconceptions others will derive from my recent transformation. But I bear no grudges to those who choose to think otherwise. I only have a lifetime, and the last thing I want, is to habour more negatism within. As the saying goes..'to each his own'.

End of the day, you are juz being yourself too.

Libranized.

Dun be deceived.

Temptations are always lurking, flesh is always weak. Boredom can leads to impromptu actions, implusiveness can be deadly. We might be blinded by temporal lust, our hearts get false signals and our minds get contaminated. Momentary happiness are so short-lived, we keep going back for more. Companionships might be addictive, so are alcoholic-driven pleasures. Concerns could be motivated, Love becomes convenience. Buddies becoming worse enemies, Family becoming strangers. We become immune to ourselves, we become each other. Sleep might be an exit from reality, words are just a cover for Truth. Perversion might be a rejection of self, morality might be the mask of some. Deceit could be trying to make wrong things, right.

Nothing is indefinitely definite.

When Good can be Bad, or vice versa.

Everyone complains and wish that Life can be better. So if given one chance to have that perfect Life, how exactly 'better' do we want it?

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Loads of money? That dream job? Everlasting love? Eternal youth?

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I used to whine alot and blamed the world for all the wrongs that have happened. It's always someone somewhere doing something unjustified, I thought I was the most unluckiest man alive. I perked myself up by thinking things cannot be worse than then and since I am already at 'shit-bottom'...surely the only way is up? But when more shit happens, my faith waivered and I believed I must be cursed this lifetime. Until I decided to change my frame of mind.

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I have read one motivational quotes or books too many. If you are seeking inspirations from them, dun bother. They are written by the inspired, who have been inspired by an inspired, to inspire the next. If you trace back the source, there MUST be a first one...who decided to look on the brighter side of life and starts infecting those around him. This 'first person' role is constantly changing and I won't be surprised if the initial first gets inspired by another when his morale is waning. This shows that anyone can be that inspired 'first', and that 'anyone' can be you. We all knew Life has her ups and downs but knowing is not enough. Are we ready to embrace them?

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We never cursed when things are going on well. Did you ever hear anyone complaining after getting a promotion or winning lottery? But seriously, how do you know those perceived 'good' are really good for you? I have a fren who have that dream job, dream apartment, dream car, going on dream holidays all by the age of 30. She died before her 31st b'day. I know another who prided herself for being a non-smoker only to sccumbed to lung cancer. I have an ex-buddy who became a millionaire by 23 because his mom plunged couple dozen storeys down. I am not trying to say that misfortune will befall those who are enjoying or receiving the kindness of Fate. I juz wanna to let you people know, Life can be ironical sometimes, or even fickle...switching 'allegiance' between good and bad all the time. And sometimes what is deemed good or bad, might not be true afterall.

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I believe there is always a reason for whatever we have gone or going through. It could be the start of something really fantastic, or something freaking bad. I might have to lose the woman of my dreams, before I find the woman of my life. I might have to be so steeped in debts before I value the virture of being thrifty. I might have to flirt with death, before I cherish the privilege of living. But that doesn't mean I won't die. That doesn't mean I will be exempted.

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But at least I live to fight another day.

Pennies for my thoughts.

I never think I am going to live very long. Not with my heavy smoking anyway.

I cannot imagine the damage I am doing to my lungs daily, draggin' on those little soulmates. These soulmates are not cheap, rising by the double over the years...but there will be an even heavier price to pay later on.

I started gymming again recently (time to whack myself into shape!), given the time I have on hand. I will start running very soon too. Maybe it's part of the adjustment to be able to 'function' alone. Maybe it's the relunctance to be too socially available. Maybe it's the anti-smoking poster I came across days ago. Maybe I dun wanna die so young after all.

The last time I felt really lost and stuck was when I was 15. I juz woke up one day and can't seemed able to think sensibly anymore. Wat happened next was years of downward spiral. Things became better when I had someone to love and care for, and this accounted for the last 8 years of my life. I was never too alone and had a healthy social circle. I know good times dun last, but they were fun while they did. I have aged, definitely mellowed, but none the wiser about the future. The future...it's freaking me out not knowing when, what, where and how. I know the feeling of loss and emptiness will creep back one day.

And today is the day.

When yr peers starts having children and stops being childish, when your mum no longer nags for coming home late, when your idols starts passing away, when you can't last 24hrs without an eyeshut, when the young ones starts calling you 'uncle', when you felt 31 yrs passed by juz like that and you wish you were young again. When you starts saying alot of 'whens', you know you are edging closer to death then before.

I am going to compile a list of 'to-dos' and starts accomplishing them. Nothing too difficult, nothing too far-fetched. I think the time is right to embark on a journey of self-discovery and clock as much mileage as possible. Once this consolidation year is over, 2010 will be the flip of a brand new page. As fearful as I am to tread forward, I relish the chance to finish my latter half of my life on a 'high'. Baby steps or leap, Sam is not going to stay stationary anymore.

Live everyday like it's your last. Carpe diem, Sam! Carpe diem!

MFs

I give up.

Humans are generally selfish...most of us are, in one way or another. Me included. It's difficult to cater to one another when everyone have different priorities and perspectives. Wat is important to some, might not be the same for another. Due to my naive belief that there is a basic 'selflessness'' in everyone has left me emotionally-challenged constantly. Contrary to that faith, the fact is that most of us are self-centered individuals, and are willing participants when it is to be self-fulfilling or beneficial.

There is no wrong in that school of thought. Even I believe we should placed our personal well-beings before anyone else. But that's where the similarity ends.

I DO NOT justify my well being at the expense of others. I DO NOT engage in self gratification. I never set out to hurt, cheat or shortchange anyone. I really can't understand why some mother fuckers just have to gain that little or unfair advantage at the expense of anybody. Won't you be guilt-ridden? Isn't there a feeling of remorse within? Would you like it if someone do it to you?

Kenneth told me I am hopeless and I think so too. I have been highly tolerable to fuckers like those, and I keep allowing them to do it to me over and over again. I am not ignorant of your hidden motives or your selfishness, I just believe, in good faith, that I am able to offer a little help in exchange for a little more happiness for everyone. I am not noble, neither can I do wonders, BuT I try to make it a little easier, better for you.

Well that is going to end from now. Kenneth told me about filtering my pool instead of accomodating all those bloody junks into my life. 9 times I help you (which you won't appreciate) and the 1 time that I don't, I am a mother-fucker to you too. So fuck you and pls fuck away from me. Why do I even bother with you fuckers being happy? No more fucking around with me.

I remembered I spent my b'day with only one buddy this year (Thanx Yang!). Only one buddy will share his fondness for good food with me from time to time (Marc, steady la!). Only one buddy will chill with me and listen to my incessant ramblings (Sorry Bast!). Only one buddy will ask me if my kneecaps still hurt (That's u, Tweety!)

When you think of me only when you need help, bored, broke or to pass time, you are mother fuckers.

Wake up before only your mum likes you.