Happiness indented.

I only wanna be happy.

Is it age? Mid life crisis? Broke? Painful knees?

I am rather grouchy these few weeks, sometimes pissed for no apparent reason. I am hating interaction with people...to entertain, to blend in, to be concerned, to explain myself. We are all so freaking different, how do we live our own lives the way we deem fit in the company of others? Will I be selfish? Self-centered? Can I juz be myself?

I can't.

I am caught in a 'catch 22 situation sometimes. How do I be the real me?

The real me might not be liked by many. The real me might inflict pain and hurt unwittingly. The real me might just be the biggest jerk around. But I am also not fake now...so what am I exactly?

I dunno. That's why I am staying home. Staying away from people if I can help it. Damn..I dun even know why am I living anymore.


Am I sick?

Drinking Red, thinking red.

Unknowingly, I have developed an insatiable thirst for red wine.

I am a drinking man. I love my liquor as much as I love my fag. But red wine....that indescribable allure of a colour, that refineness capped in a bottle, the serenity she offers (when half a bottle consumed...) is very very sexy and appealing.

I must be in one of my periods again.

When I am down, I like to shut myself in my room with my ciggie and wine. I either play the piano or I write. The 'highness' of a red coupled with the melodic tinkering of the keys always soothe the 'bothered' me; the bold or truthful weaved of words never fails to pacifiy my fustrations.

I can't really focus right now, but I am thankful. For I need not be sober to write, neither to come to terms with the demons. Creating a false sense of delusion might just be necessary to recall the strength to go on day after day.

Why indulge in daily realism?

For survival?
For money?
For living?

I can be flying...through the golden field of sunflowers, caught in their yellow scent and all or drown among the pace of capitalism, urbanized and strangled. I know I can be. The moment of self-implosion has to be huge till the point of no return.

I might be so much happier...or simply, just drink another red.

Being Psychogenic

Someone I met recently told me I am a 'pain' lover.

Something like a sucker for pain. Love situations that might or will instill pain. I thought about her words and kept reflecting on my life. (hmm...I muz have been REALLY negative in her presence that night...)

The fact she is a certified physiatrist is not too comforting. She almost convince me that I have a medical or worse..MENTAL condition. She is assertive but subtle. I was gently told to search within and find the source of my pain which might be buried deep somewhere, a long time ago.

How do someone love and live with pain?

I am definitely hopeful of better things to come...yet there is always this lingering doubt it will ever happen. I do get tired and sick of living but not to the extent of giving up on Life...yet. I wallow in self-pity quietly sometimes, but only the closest will see this weaker side. I did a wiki on 'pain' and was surprised on the different 'pain' classifications. And I found something that says...

psychogenic pain

- also called psychalgia or somatoform pain, is physical pain that is caused, increased, or prolonged by mental, emotional, or behavioral factors.

Interesting indeed. Mental, emotional and behavioral factors... either I book myself an appt with Woodbridge soon or start reading Buddhism scriptures.

I am so amused right now because she might be right afterall. Since I always thrive in adversities, maybe there is really something about 'liking pain' in there.

Ha. Hit me with your best shot.

Effort

I haben been writing as much as I wan to cos :-

1. Some recent happenings are 'case-sensitive' and I do not want to misplace a buddy's trust in me.
2. I can't get the best words to put my thoughts in print. It's frustrating when I can't express the exact sentiments properly. (3 over-due posts are still in draft-format cos of this...)
3. I can't be writing dark, gloomy stuffs everytime.

I wonder if my love is still reading my blog? (R u bei?)

I wonder who else is reading my blog others than those I know.

I wonder if reading my blog has became a 'routine' for some everytime they r online or like Ah yang put it.."since your blog address share the same 1st alphabet as my fav football site, I juz read lor...' Thanz bro. Very encouraging. HEh.

Actually I should be resting now, 3:25 am and with work beckoning 6 hrs later, writing should be last of my concern. Not that I have serious shit to share, but I juz feel like writing. Even if it's shitty.

Suddenly I decided to write abt this.

'It's juz a game'

My group of frens recently started this weekly soccer affair. It was to be a light-hearted kick-around, some guys' bonding thingy and keeping those tummies-in-check kinda workout. But once the action gets going, the competitve steak in me will surface. I admit this is not some 'world cup tournament' but damn! I am serious abt my game manz! I am commited and I will huff and puff and run till my lungs burst!

It's not about winning, it's not abt being a sore-loser. But it's abt character.

A friendly game is DEFINITELY friendly but doesn't mean it's not competitive. Why bother playing the game and keeping scores and separate the winners from losers if IT'S JUS ONLY A GAME? Why even bother to be there in the first place?

It's not about how good u can kick the ball, do fancy tricks or score goals by the truckload. If you think it's a platform to showcase your repertoire of skills, go and play your own balls instead (pun intended!!)

It's abt the team, the fighting spirit and the effort.

It says alot about the character of a person in the way he approaches his game. I not even trying to glorify or belittle anyone or anything here. But when he can't even apply such traits to a very simple game of soccer, I wonder if he can ever apply them anywhere else. More often than not, our mindsets and perceptions guide us in the way we conduct ourselves, our duties and our roles. This might sound really exaggerating but how many times have us not try hard enough and lose the plot without a whimper?

You might not be the best player on the pitch, or lead the team to victory everytime but trust me, absolutely no one will fault you for trying. Then again, if you think you are juz one of the headcounts week after week, I will still appreciate your presence while I kick my ball.

Afterall, it juz a game.

'There is no failure except in no longer trying.'

~ Elbert Hubbard

LOVE - Lunatics On Varied Emotions

Love –noun

1. a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.
2. a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.
3. sexual passion or desire.
4. a person toward whom love is felt; beloved person; sweetheart.
5. (used in direct address as a term of endearment, affection, or the like): Would you like to see a movie, love?
6.a love affair; an intensely amorous incident; amour.
7. sexual intercourse; copulation.
8. (initial capital letter) a personification of sexual affection, as Eros or Cupid.
9. affectionate concern for the well-being of others: the love of one's neighbor.
10. strong predilection, enthusiasm, or liking for anything: her love of books.
11. the object or thing so liked: The theater was her great love.
12. the benevolent affection of God for His creatures, or the reverent affection due from them to God.


I copied some of the definitions on Love from Dictionary.com. I have done, fulfilled, felt and been thru all of them. 3 decades and a handful relationships later, I am still as clueless as when I first started. I think Love is something unexplainable....something deep within us....something we all feel....something we can't describe and we summed it all up by calling it 'love'.

My ideals on love is someone who loves me, only me and wholeheartedly. Maybe even greater than loving herself. But this equation can only works if it happens vice versa. I always feel Love should be about giving rather than taking....but it can be tiring for the party who never receives.
Love should be selfless, free from judgements, transcend races and cultures, unregulated, spontaneous and true. (The last one will have my mentor flipping, cos he believes love is love and there is no such thing as 'true love' or 'fake love'...)

Everyone can love, and has a right to love. Love at all expenses, love will bring consequences, love dun need public consensus, love manifest senses and love need no pretences.

Love and let go...of the one who don't love you or of the selfishness that holds you.


Love. I still dunno what is it. *sigh*

'I would love to love the Love that loves me,

if Love will love the Love I loved to be.' ~ Sam G