2009

2009.

what is it going to be?

Have faith. Good luck to us all.

They came...some left, some stayed on...

2:55 a.m and very awake. Haven't had a wink since 30 hours ago.

Had a nice dinner with Marc at Botak Jones and we happened to talked about past and present buddies.

In my very short 30 years of existence, some characters have been very significant in moulding the man I am today. Most had striked a chord, some left a bitter taste but everyone had something to share. I tried tracing back the early years of those who left an impression. Some are no longer in touch, some have passed on, some are a distance away, a handful still sticking around.

I wish to extend my apologies to those who had ended our associations on the wrong note. (esp those guys that I gave stitches to...damn!! I gave quite a few!!) I shall count my blessings for those few buds who are still there for me.... Nic, Sebast, Adrian, Yang, Marc. I am not perfect, not easy to get along with, had a terrible temper, often moody, highly insecure, egoistic and can be a real pain I.T.A. sometimes. I really appreciate the high tolerance, empathy, accomodations and obligations showered upon me. THANXXX!!


'True friends stab you in the front.' ~ Oscar Wilde

Identity Crisis

Hangovers are not always a good indication of FUN the night before.

My head is heavy, stomach is churning and I am feeling damn dehydrated.

Thanx to those few buds who were there with me, esp Marc...who finished the night with me. Met some old frens, new frens, frens' frens, 'dunno whose' frens, and 'are we?' frens. Been a long time and I used to enjoy myself there. I did not find it there.

I am still searching.

Have A Good Journey Home...Shandy

I lost another fren yesterday.

After months of resistance, Shandy was finally called home to be with God.

We are not the best of frens, neither do we constantly keep in touch. It's always the occassional 'bump-intos' or updates from our mutual frens. But it's always depressing when someone you know passed on. I hoped she will finally find peace. I will remember you, Shandy *hugs*

I always told others...the older we get, the lesser frens we have. Maybe not lesser as in quantity, but more in terms of quality. People who have been there and done that with you... people who have significantly influenced, touched, taught and shared. This blunt fact is getting truer by the day, and I am feeling at my loneliest this current moment. I know the worse is yet to come.

How short-lived are our lives, aspirations, love and dreams? What are we searching for all this while? Yang said something about human having birthdays cos we more or less know when we are due to arrive into this world. But for death...you never know when you'll be taken. Far as it may seems be to us now, the way home is the eventual path for us all. We are living...chasing...loving like there is no tomorrow, like there is no end. So...to do or not to do?

I've heard about Death years ago but I dun know Death yet. I can tell you when I am dying, but not when I am dead. Dun worry, I am not getting suicidal now, juz feeling maybe Time is really short. Maybe we shall appreciate our everyday's existence is a blessing in itself. Maybe it's time I start living. Right now.

'The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time.' ~Mark Twain

Merry Xmaz..merry me?

To all the folks reading this, merry Xmaz to you! May the coming year brings happiness, love and health for us all!

I think my heart is crying now. Thankfully Sam is still very much in one piece. Buddies have bundled around me, making all this while bearable. I chose to spend a quiet Xmaz's eve night on my own, fixing up the new beautiful speakers for my lappie. The sound quality is amazing now and I'll need it. There will be more time spend alone from now on.

Though there's no white Xmaz in Singapore, somehow our humid climate responded to this happy occassion and rained all day...making it all wet and chilly. How appropriate! And yes...have you wonder that Mr. Santa could be Hokkien (a local dialect...) becoz 'Ho Ho HO...' does sounds like it to me. Imagine Mr. Santa kena charged ERP when he comes here...heheh..

Peace to you all *smile*

Alone again...naturally.

Another puff, another sip....as I drink myself to sleep.

Another solitary drinking night again, puffing again on those loyal ciggies. Been 8 years plus, since I was alone...and here I am now, very alone, very lonely once again. Maybe suddenly Time is aplenty, and I hav too little things to do. No one else to bother about where I am, wat I am doing now or who am I with. Only me and me. It's so unfamiliar.

I think I am doing fine, though no one understand my state of mind at this moment. The sadness is not really that kinda sadness. I would love to have someone to talk to and stick by me now, but I guess...no one knows me better than myself. My ipoh 'fren' might even think I am a freak?!?! (okay..no more ttyl!!) I shall stop explaining myself, juz let time heals me slowly. I shall be myself again. Those who know Sam, no explaination needed. For those who dun, why bother explaining anyway?

The fotos are still all around the room, even on my lappie's wallpaper. Though I am looking at them more often now, they juz feel so remote. How ironic! To think I never even bother to look at them more than a glance before. Now all the pieces of us felt more like 'ornaments' and 'accessories'. They might stay awhile more, but they might never evoke the same feelings again.

I am tired..another glass or two and the mind will be goggy and there goes another night. What do Fate have in store for me? Standing at the mid point of my life, I never felt more lost...unsure of myself than now. Yet the calling of a brand new chapter does arouses some excitment! An aries will be an aries I guess. Always brave, alway raring to go again! Hurt and disappointments are temporary but the smell of victory is wat makes our kind go on and on and on....

I will survive. Time will tell.

Finally..it's all over

I wished everything will be wonderful for her.

And God will have a way for me.

Sleepless in Singapore

6:45 a.m.

It's getting difficult to post nowadays. Too much tots yet can't find the words to write them down. Maybe juggling 2 blogs is too tedious. 26 more days and it's done.

Met up with my Uncle Ricky juz now which was like my 4th prefered choice, since the rest are all unavailable. He can be a little hmm...(how to say it without sounding offensive?) but I was glad he was there. At least I had someone to talk to. Actually not really talking...more like listening to me. Everyone wants to say everything about themselves nowadays and it's so hard to get good listeners. They are very highly-appreaciated in my list! Or maybe I am juz plain selfish?

And I spoke about KL again (it's pissing all my buddies!) and her charms. I was ranting away about how much I enjoyed cities like KL, BKK and JKT and how mundane I find Singapore. Somehow or rather, 'safe' Singapore is juz too controlled. She lacks the soul and vibrancy of the others...an edge...a thin line between bright city lights and dark seedy alleys. Wat can REALLY go wrong here? Uncle Ricky muz be muddled listening to my complaints when suddenly... out of the blue, I came out with a simplied analogy of the situation....

Imagine 3 chefs (we shall call them S, M and T..), and these 3 are famous for their bak ku tehs (bkt for short)

M is a famous for his herbal bkt and has been doing his recipe for the last 20 yrs. In a street-side stall of rustic KL, he serves his dish in old used plates and bowls. The presentation is not neat, and might even turn away some. But the real deal lies in his traditional style of preparing this classic dish, and every sip of his soup makes one craves for more...

T is trained in the old school of bkt preparation. But highly-innovative, he decided to incorporate some 'thai' elements into this chinese dish. Years of trials and errors later, he invented his tom yam bkt. Experience has taught him to perfect his craft and though he too, has no fancy presentation to boot. His spicy servings never fail to torch any tongues and every hearts.

Now S is not a master, nor has any recipes. But he has been trained to always learn, analyse and research before action. He understood his rivals' strengths and carefully highlighted their flaws. First he will set up a clean small eatery in a cozy corner. His plates & bowls will be new and standardized. Before even convincing his clients to eat his bkt, he wanna convince them to eat IN his beautiful shop. Then he studied his rivals' recipes and remaked something with a blend of both. To cut preparation time, he even came up with a standard ingredients in a sealed pack so that he can maximise his outputs. For revenue, he even marketed those packets to supermarkets and mini-stores, and now, everyone can enjoy his speciality in the comfort of their homes!! How's that for a win-win formula?!? Everyone's liked his bkt but somehow...it's juz not traditionally-authentic and spicy enough to leave a mark in the art of bkt...

WELL, THAT'S SINGAPORE FOR YOU!

Despite the highly-acclaimed efficiencies, urbanizations, infrastructures, mulit-racial co-existences and blah blah blah in Singapore....something is missing. The human touch? The local flavour? That distinctive feel?

Are we all frogs trapped in our own urbanized wells?


Think abt it.

Life is Not so great afterall

I have been feeling down since I got back.

I dun really know what is bothering me or maybe...everything is bothering me. I feel like returning home to God right now. My heart craves for nothing. Absolutely nothing.

I juz wanna be alone.

Somewhere with ciggies, drink and music.

what is wrong with me?

Back and very ramdom

I haben been writing here for so long, since I am very much occupied with the other personal blog for her. But I think I need my space here. I am back.

I can crap and trash in here and no one bothers. I feel good writing impromtu and reading them again later. No rules, no regulations. Juz me.

The KL trip is memorable, the work there is damn tiring, but I came back much happier but very lost. This trip really opened up my mind, and I realised this world is really, indeed HUGE...

The tot at the moment is KL, Ipoh and Jeslin.

A very sweet gal I befriend on my last day at work in KL. I am definitely thinking about more than juz a sentence but I shall leave it at that. Those who knows will understand wat I am talking about.

Drank quite a bit again but I am alrite...juz maybe emotional.

Things shall be alrite again...I hoped.


Till then.