Revelation.

IN one fell swoop, reality triumphed and crushed silly tots to million pieces.

I was offered a preview of the truth behind that sweet demeanor and got smacked right in my face. I felt small, I felt humbled and I felt blessed to resume a life of normalcy, after days of decadence. For all the raging intent I habour to bridge the distance, I was overwhelmed with weakness... for being not possibly able to make a difference.  From trying to salvage a lost soul in the deep sea, I realised I am juz a little wooden plank..high on nobility yet feeble like a kitten. I might end up needing rescue instead.

I am too depleted of resources myself to even try maneuvering hope into her life. Much as the heart is willing, the body is weak. It's like trying to scale Everest with bare hands. I can only offer words of encouragement, to issues which are beyond my ability.

Sigh! Such beauty to get hearts stolen!
Alas! Such irony they became shaken!
For only a great man could muster,
the strength to master,
and save her from being forsaken!

Heaven knows.

I knew the underlying currents of emotions are getting stronger. The vibes are disturbing and recurring dreams of the same entity are getting frequent. I am jinking between anticipation and denial.

But it hit me unexpectedly.

In that one very instance, I was floored. It became clear that I was affected, cos the covetousness rage that followed, was quick and inexplicable. I have felt that way before and I know what that means. I stayed nonchalent, but my silence was deafening, I presumed.

I am afraid. Very afraid.

For I can't control what is going to happen next. And this is a frigtening notion to have, for an aries man.

Be afraid sam, be very afraid.

你不知道的事

I was listening to this beautiful song by Lee Hom and got alit melancholic.

The have-beens, the should-beens, the things we tot we know, the things we might never get to know and more. All those guilts, pains, regrets, pinings and sentiments... Do you know? Do I know yours too?

I dunno if I know what I tot we knew, were wat we should or could have known. Maybe some things are juz meant to be like tat.

I would love to do better for you if I can. Really.

Give tat man a Tiger...balm instead.

The 'baby bump' is getting alit too apparent to ignore, even by others. NOW this would totally be celebratory news, if not for the fact that this bump is on the bloody belly of mine. Those tiger beer towers had really done a wonderful job in fertilizing the growth of this tummy ; I wonder if a tiger cub is already taking shape inside. Growl.

For once, I curbed the thirst of wetting my lips with more poison and headed for home on a beautiful Sunday night. I finally succumbed to better sense (with empty pockets again), to realise that pinning my woes to pints, isn't going to resolve much issues at all. I remembered one episode of this TVB production <秋香怒點唐伯虎>, where there's this part when the emperor asked 唐伯虎 for advice on being a good ruler. In my heart, I came up with the answer of 以服得人。But 唐伯虎 replied "早睡早起" instead. I was cynical until he elaborated "..Man who wake up early, shows that he doesn't indulge in vices till late, which compromises his well-being, mind and priorities. Man who sleep early, wake up fresh and recharged, with a keen and sharp mind to make good judgements and decisions."

Simple, trueful and insightful indeed.

No wonder I am lost, disillusioned and disturbed. I evaluated my contributions in the store till date and I am ashamed to say, I haben been the most inspiring of leaders. All those late nights of pondering, drinking and time-wasting are definitely affecting work, health and clarity of mind. I should know better than to harp on the excuse of boredom or loneliness, and construct my presence in areas which are juz not productive to quality of living. Without a goal or direction, the tussle with moderation and liberation is set to continue. I need an inspiration. Or maybe I am lacking love.

I tried hitting the sack earlier than usual for the past nights with much anticipation, but sadly I didn't woke up to a smaller tummy, handsome face or million dollar account. Other than some weird dreams of peeps whom I dun expect to dream of, I still open my eyes to the same room, same routine, same worries. But I do breathe better (cos I smoke lesser), think clearer (maybe the smoke is clearing from my system abit) and coming to work more punctually. And I have more energy and brain power to tackle those problems. On hindsight, even though I didn't morphed into Superman, I become a more responsible man. And tat's is encouraging enough, I guess.

Temptations are great and the heart is always willing...human are the greatest purveyor of justifications. Sigh...I pray for kinder factors/influences to sustain this self-regulation. Since I am such a big sucker/believer in the therapeutic returns of massage, maybe I should channel my attention there and busk in the enjoyment of the other 'tiger'. A good rub can also gets you high, without the intoxifying effects of alcohol.

And there's definitely no worry of a tiger cub growing in your tummy ;)

Borderline Personality Disorder.

BPD for short.

Juz an interesting read I stumbled upon during one of my bored nites. Well, I dunno if I am suffering from this but most of the symptons fitted nicely.

I dun think I am intentionally violent, as many has attested to. I am simply...volatile AND very emotional. 'Temperamental' is frequently being associated but on closer inspection, I am juz a little boy at heart, lacking *TLC.

*TLC - tender, loving care. (Thank you for teaching me this abbreviation, XT!)

Words are my solace from unhappiness and I constantly abuse them to maintain my sanity. I can't be punching the shit out of anyone, everytime I REALLY feel like doing it, rite? Since I still wanna keep my dignity intact and cherish my reputation, I allow myself this virtual realm to unleash my occasional madness, pent-up anger, contraditory tots and darkest insecurities.

I am not weak, in fact much stronger than you can imagine. But I do have my moments of despair and doubts. Conflict of self can only leads me to greater awareness. Confusion seeks clarity and complications find solutions. That's the challenge I face everyday to better myself.

I am not crazy or suicidal juz yet. This is juz the other side of me some of you get to 'see'.

Appt in hell.

I am in bad shape.

There is no waistline to speak off, no savings to fall back on, no desire to move on. I needed half bottle of wine to get writing going, a dozen ciggies to sort my tots and my 3 mths-o speakers juz kaput-ed on me. FML.

I am so devoid of faith, so bitter of my situations, I am spiraling towards the flame of destruction. The angst is building up again and I am sore about everything, everyone once more.

At this point in time, I juz feel like snuffing out the bloody lights of anyone's lives. Esp you, you and you. Fuck off. I can be alone. And I will be alone, thank you very much. So much for love and compassion God! Maybe tat's why you hide in heaven, cos mankind are truly selfish, ugly and incorrigible lots.

Paying for your bill becos of? FUck you. Justifying yr actions of selfishness? Fuck you too. Concealing yr disdain for another but engaged in closet dissing and acting all righteous abt it? SHAME on you and fuck you x 5. I am a fucker to you too? FUCK ME then!

But you know wat?

I believe so, so much in karma. One day, you..You and YOU are going to pay for all the bloody actions, tots and words you committed. Me included :)

I hope to see you in hell.

And I am going to make it so much worse for you.

System failure.

Something must have came loose in my processing unit.

I can't conjure enough words to speak coherently, I struggled in articulation of thoughts and I can't digest nor decipher information.

I feel overwhelmed,
I feel suffocated,
I feel tired.
And I can't breathe.

The brain cells decided to go into a state of comatose, leaving only the physical shell to live out the daily routine. When soul and body get detached, nothing gets synchronize anymore. You become a walking dead, imprevious to your surroundings and people. In fact, you are just as oblivious to self.

I apologise for being reserved and self-centered. I need to find myself again, before I find u.

Conspiratorial inspiration.

I found this interesting and inspiring blog randomly.

Sometimes I am impressed, inspired or in awed of others' words. Then I wonder if they REAlly meant wat they said at all...or juz doing lip services. 'How optimisstic are they?...'Was it a deep felt sentiment when they posted their thoughts?'...'Did they really chase their dreams?'...'Are they juz like me?'

No one is perpectually fine, can they? Then how and wat is it tat keep them going? Or do they all have an alter ego too?

But wat a beautiful chain of reactions from their actions.

Be inspired to inspire. Simply amazing.

Alter ego.

Everyone have a perfect ideal of self and none is close to being tat.

I live, trying to fulfil the expectations for myself to the best I could. Many a times, I failed. I became a devastated wreck, whinning and crying. But the weird thing is when another person come to me with the same failings, I preach with strength, encouragement and conviction.

Cos I have been thru tat before and I know that feeling. I cannot endorse your disappointments, sadness or despair. Cos I really want you to be better. If I can't, I hope you can. Not for me, but for yourself. If by concealing the exact fears and torment (I felt before), and offering you some words of comfort can tide you throught your difficult period, I will try my best to perk you up.

Cos u see, I believe deep down in everyone's hearts, we r juz as vulnerable. I am juz as conscious as you, as with everybody, about the harsh reality of Life sometimes. And there is really this genuine happiness felt, when you do get better. At least for me.

I can't be there for everyone, but if our paths cross, it's meant to be. I become strong becos you need me to. And you will be too, when someone else need you.