Benchmarked

Some said Sam is intelligent, empathetic, sharp and sensitive.

Sam is street-wise to a certain extent but he had no impressive academic results or curriculum vitae to boot. His IQ is so-so but he prides himself on having a higher emotional quotient than norm.

Sam dun set out to hurt, harm or haress. The soul-seeking portion always ridden him with guilt. Therefore he always try to think before reacting...and he believed close ones know tat Sam is much better than trash. But the same perception can be a double-edged sword. Sam is very accountable for actions or words that are so 'un-sam', the tolerance for Sam's flaws is lower; Sam juz can't be doing what he did, can he?

An impaired judgement or a moment of folly can erase Sam's credibility, can shaken others' faith in Sam's character and suddenly...Sam is hyprocritical, deceptive or pretentious.

Sam dun need to explain to those who understands and definitely dun bother to explain to those who do not.

Sam is not justifying anything but Sam is not perfect.


So are all of you.

One lesser Chinese New Year.

As I get older, 'Chinese New Year' stopped being exciting.

The same cousins are now all parents of their own, chasing after their kids instead. Some of the elders have left. I am less agile. Some don't even turn up anymore.

The few sentimental ones are making use of any festive occassions to gather. The old ones know there's not much time left...the middle-ageds are reminiscing old times....the young adults and teenagers are there cos their parents ask them to....those adolescents juz know a lot of relatives will be there.

I love catching up with my maternal uncles, aunts and cousins. We are quite a close-knitted bunch and everytime we see each other, the house will be filled with laughter and jokes. Looking at all of them, I am really amazed by the pro-creativity of our human kind. It all started somewhere by a couple who decided to stay together and have some offsprings. Then their children have their OWn kids and on and on and on....and then there I came. I dunno how far back did the family tree stretched, but to be there with so many others who are related to me by blood is simply amazing. I guessed this is the legacy of my ancestors.

Another 2 days and it will be over. I really wonder when will we see everyone again.

Be happy while it lasts.

Re-Assessment

Dun really know what to post nowadays. Cos it seems like everytime I write something, it's depressing.

I've been struggling to write for the past few days, maybe there's too much to write...maybe I am censoring what I should write...maybe I am bothered by what my readers think of the things I write.

Along the way, I forgot why I started blogging in the first place.

When more and more people started reading my posts, I totally ignore the soul and essence of this blog. I started becoming cautious, worried, withdrawn...

Reading my post on the 29th july 08 again, I renewed my belief that this is my personal space. Read if you like, but keep your 2 cents worth.

I write for myself, not you.


'Writing doesn't come easily to me. It gets more and more difficult.' ~ Elizabeth David

Juz be.

Jus be and be happy.

May there be Light

I have decided that 2009 will be a year of consolidation.

Looking back, many things could have been done differently, many wrong decisions avoided, less procrastinations, more constructive in approach, less angst and more forgiving.

I am treading the path close to God. No..I am not a converted Christian now, juz that his teachings have touched me and I am more conscious than I have ever been. I wanna make peace with myself...to live and let live. Things happen for a reason. I have to believe all of this is in good faith of the Almighty and whatever will be, will be. I will not contrived to deceive myself that the world is without evil, but neither do I want to detach myself from the embrace of Hope and Love. I wanna be less cynical towards intentions and less critical of actions.

I should stop having retrospective self-justifications. I can't erase the past. She shall be a contant reminder of any repercussions...a collection of experiences which will make good the future.

There's no 2 ways about it. Either Light or Darkness.

Being Me

I love going thru old photos, reading old notes, browsing old cards, listening to old songs, missing old frens, thinking of past loves, singing old songs, playing old tunes and watching old movies.

Wat was meant to be a housekeeping for my lappie ended up a good 2 hours of reminiscing.

I have aged, memories have faded, things have changed, some others have moved on.

Not many will understand how I keep some things close to heart. Being sentimental is my soft side, a contrast to my strong-willed exterior. I will cry alone, drink myself silly and have 'strange' outbursts when I am emotionally drained. Violence used to be a cover-up job, age have mellowed the devil since. Nonchalence is my defence towards fragility, anger is my expression of concern. Harsh words are never meant to hurt, bluntless never a loss of sensitivity. Always listening, always thinking but never doing enough. Quick-witted enough to bail myself out but always choose to face dangers foolishly. Can be one's best buddy, can be a buddy's worst critic. Loves to make laughter for all, hates laughing for myself. Quietly remorseful, freakingly stubborn. Always good, sometimes misunderstood.

'I seek a heart to pound in sync,

to shelter my sorrows, to pardon my sins.

When one's lost and darkness sink,

her love brings light to another Spring,'

~ Sam G

He

He is lonely.

In defiance, in darkness, he walked. Cold. He ploughed on in the midst of howling.... 'Even the winds are laughing'.... His heart is worn, strained by the clutches of emotions. He prayed that Time will take him away, where he no longer have to restrain himself to the mortality of Life. Like a child, he craved for a mother's touch. Witdrawn into his own body, he has to move on. He need to seek Light again, however dimmed it is. Ocassional wails pierced the silence and awaken the night. ...'It's alive!'... but circled by melancholy, he stood his ground. No one is able to help him, no one at all. His heart no longer sees, only hears the soft whispers of yesterdays...whispers that have gone but only his memories seek. He can't see the end yet, but he knows the day will come when he will embraced Light and be alone no more.


'Unless we love and are loved, each of us is alone, each of us is deeply lonely.' ~ Mortimer Adler

Damn...What?

I wanna love but who's there? I wanna drink but I have to work the next day. I wanna fly but to where? I wanna sing but to who? I wanna sleep but I have insomnia. I wanna cry but there is no tears. I wanna dance but too fat. I wanna shout but who hears? I wanna run away but to where? I wanna be myself but can I? I wanna empathetize others but how to? I wanna have my dreams but it's too far. I wanna be a kid forever but I am old. I wanna have a family but my parents are divorced. I wanna be alone but I fear. I wanna smoke but bloody s'pore banned smoking everywhere. I wanna help my frens but I am helpless. I wanna forget but I am too sensitive. I wanna die but I love my mum.

I juz wanna be happy.

Bit by bit.

Another 3 a.m. and I am damn shacked by now. This is the 3rd night in a row I am wide awake.

Being alone nowadays means having more time to reflect, ponder or miss someone. I am uncomfortable with this new-found luxery...but it actually sharpens my senses and put things into perspectives. No rush hour, my own pace, my own sweet time.

I have much to say, but it's tough telling, sharing or explaining to another. Since I dun like the idea of toking to myself, I write. Writing them down and reading again later is my way of self-healing...how to find someone to listen and understand 100%? Everyone has their own stories, their downsides, their heartaches... I am not exactly an introvert, 'juz selectively introverted'.

One advice I should heed is to maybe have time for myself, do things I always wanna do.
Setup my home studio..improve my playing skills, write more songs, see the world thru my lens etc. etc. But before all this is possible, I should learn to be alone.

There's another 362 days to go and I wanna see some positive changes. maybe I should learn to sleep earlier first. hah.

Goodbye 2008

In a flash, 2008 whizzed past.

Going through the days, weeks and months always seems so painstakingly long. But when it's all over, you only remember the memorable few. Looking back my 2008...I recalled the uncertainty of this current job, finally having a real home to go back to, the death of grandma and Shandy, the joy of getting my licence a day after my b'day, the excitment of the working trip in KL, the feeling of settling down finally and the pain of losing her.

Sometimes it's so easy to lose ourselves during the pursuits of love, passions, wealth, careers and ideals. We tend to forget that everything can juz ends in a moment, now or tomorrow. I can't help it too...getting upset, bothered, worried and now...everything seems so unimportant. We are juz one of the many tangibles in Nature's embrace, a minute entity in this huge universe which goes on and on...with or without us. The verse 'Life goes on' doesn't only means your own life. We do die and we will die. Acknowledging and understanding our eventual demises shouldn't instill fear or be shunned. It should be a gentle reminder at times that there are other areas of concerns other than our mindless pursuits.

Existence is only applicable when there is another. If not, no one will be blogging.

Happy 2009.