Delirium.

Delirium is sudden severe confusion and rapid changes in brain function that occur with physical or mental illness.

I wonder if I am edging towards mental dysfunction.

For all I know, I might juz be hanging by my last ounce of sanity. I move between various state of minds and experience drastic mood swings so frequently, I am losing sense of my identity. I feel the lurking devil within growing...instigating me to unleash the violence capped inside. I vision scenes of me killing people and actually feel good about it. Their pain comfort me and I love the sight of their blood draining them lifeless slowly. It is so real. I can almost smell their blood on my hands.

But no. It's juz another dreadful dream. I wake up sometimes and shrudder at the thought of myself becoming a monster. Is that me? Is that what my subconscious secretly wanted to do?

I am upset definitely, by the injustice of Life to befall some...while allowing some to get away. My righteousness is warped by the inconsistency of this flawed system, prompting me to dish out 'justice' on my perceived value. In my system, it's very simple. Either you are alive or you are dead, and many of us do not deserve to live at this moment. I will pardon or condemn you according to my values. I will melt out a punishment so severe, you wish you were dead. But I will keep you juz alive, so that you can go thru pain again and again.

Scary? Yes. Sadistic? No. It's the least some of these bastards deserve. Perverse? Yes. And it's very disturbing.

No one is greater than the law and killing bastards doesn't relieve me of a criminal offence. I can't endorse my motives based on the disliking for those people. Maybe that's why those recurring dreams. Becos only in this virtual realm, can my sinful deeds be accomodated and sentence those on my death list to living hell. Only by reenacting these gory dreams, will my frustrations be contained under a rational lid.

But it's so, so dangerous. There's no knowing when/how this lid will open.