BigFooLstop

Chapter 34

2012-01-29T03:27:00.000+08:00

Sam is not dead, just very occupied by real life.

Introspection

2011-06-26T15:31:00.000+08:00

Things go wrong. Screw-ups. Cheated. Failed relationships. Sorry states etc. etc...

When unfortunate stuffs happen one time too many, it's a case of misfortune, victimisation or just plain bad luck?

Everyone of us will have our share of ups and downs, that's Life. But if history keeps repeating itself and we keep finding ourselves in bad situations again and again, I think we need to take a better look at ourselves and reflect. Maybe you are too stubborn everytime, maybe you are too much of a careless risk-taker, maybe you are too insistent in your own beliefs, maybe you are too temperamental, maybe you are too naive...maybe maybe maybe...

Maybe you have a problem.

We are uniquely different, with strengths and flaws aplenty. And differences can complement or breeds friction. I believe we should have adequate self-reflection from time to time and ask ourselves if a problem arises due to external factors or self-instigated. With the capacity to exercise introspection and the willingness to learn and discover more about ourselves on our fundamental natures, essences and beliefs, we can moderate the probability of events turning out for the worse. It requires effort, conscious deliberation and an awareness for consequential actions to minimise or resolve conflicts and undesirable situations.

You are the master of your own destiny and you live with the consequences of your choices. You are what you want to be and no one owns you a living. Instead of asking/blaming/whinning why bad situations seem to fancy you, maybe you should wonder why it is always you and not anyone else.

Stop being a victim to yourself.

Self-discovery

2011-06-12T20:26:00.000+08:00

Small indulgences which I took for granted before, are unaffordable now and maybe, soon to be forgotton. It takes some getting used to, with shifting perspectives on Life.

Hobbies are being negotiated for new responsibilities and personal pleasures/habits are being compromised. I am conscious that living a married life, requires a certain degree of sacrifice, understanding and acceptance. There's no more place for individualism and the general well-being of the family must be considered. My ideology of self has since fallen down the pecking order of priorities. I am not only adapting to my new role, I am also redefining the value of self and seeking my identity in this current capacity.

First and foremost, I wanna be happy. I always believe this is wat everyone deserves, and we have a choice to be so. Every action or decision should sustain, if not elevate happiness for a better well-being. Substantial sensibility and responsibility are needed to attain appropriate action/decision in achieving tat. Ironically, to be happy with self also means you have to be happy with others and vice versa. In summary, 'being happy' is not only an individual act of intent. It is a concerted effort of those involved, be it a couple, a family or a work force.

But how do we make 2 unique individuals, with different personality/preference, happy together? Throw in 2-3 more characters and the situation gets even more feisty. I am learning in this steep curve of discovery tat this is an extremely challenging process. Though there is no idiot's guide in getting around the complexities of human relationship other than being hands on, it's not exactly rocket science either. I personally feel, the baseline is to have the willingness to make better and exercise the flexibility to adopt or adapt. Most importantly, this sentiment has to be mutual. It's futile when only one party is catering, while the other juz receive; it takes 2 to tango.

It's definitely a delicate task finding common ground to tread on, in the midst of assorted personalities. I am trying my very best to accomodate without losing my own identity. Co-existence requires mutual respect, tolerance and understanding. It is also a journey of discovery to know yourself and each other better.

And hopefully, with happiness as the icing on the cake.

In retrospect.

2011-05-18T05:26:00.001+08:00

I am relieved a knot has been undone.

Sometimes it's easier saying the truth than weaving a white lie which in my instance, backfired terribly. Luckily foolish me had a reprieve and thankfully wifey is magnanimous enough to pardon my stupidity.

This is an episode I will learn from.

Many a times, we ponder and lay out the options before arriving at the eventual decision. Through different school of tots and self-justified reasoning, we choose wat we think is the best choice. But 'best' is subjective, and not necessarily acceptable to another. In deciding to apply, we have to be prepared for any consequential reprecussion.

Having goodwill intent doesn't make a white lie whiter than a truth, even if the truth can be downright ugly or traumatic.

Honesty is a viture, many said. But honesty requires courage, both from the confessor and recipient. It takes reasonable guts for one to say and the other to digest, all in faith tat the truth is for the bigger good. But sadly not many has tat capacity to embrace tat truth, for sometimes the truth is a challenge to principles, moral values and ethics.

Tat's why some choose to lie, some choose lies.

Wifey chose to be absolutely frank and upfront since day 1. I have never had such huge dosage of honesty thrusted upon me before. For all the emotional rollercoaster I went thru, Love ultimately won the day.

With no pun intended, I honestly think she is one damn courageous woman. I could be loving a beautiful wife, living in the midst of beautiful lies, but she decided otherwise.

And she becomes more beautiful honestly, by being beautifully honest.

Life, getting to know the unknown.

2011-04-25T04:21:00.000+08:00

9 mths ago, I wouldn't have know the life I am having now.
9 mths from now, I am going to be a father.

Life, you juz never know where the next turn is going to bring you.

We all have our dreams, expectations and aspirations. And we have our doubts, fears and worries. How are all these factors going to affect us? How much are they going to drive or hinder us? How much do you need to take a step into the unknown?

We walk on nonetheless, making choices along the way. We live to find out, if tat choice is appropriate or regrettable...and we will walk on again, making choices once more. It's doesn't matter if it's a right or wrong decision, it's about making A DECISION. Tat's how we find out, tat's how we grow, tat's how memories are formed, tat's how lessons are learned.

Why fear, if all of us will reach the end eventually? Life is about making choices, getting to know the unknown. Why wait till it's too late, when the eventual end comes and you no longer have choices anymore?

Live to regret or regret to live?
I choose the former.

Regretting to live is a lifetime of sadness. Living to regret will only wisen you up to making better decision the next time. Regrets are bound to be aplenty for everyone of us. If only we had known earlier, no one will be making mistakes anymore. Then Life will not be Life, Life will juz be a prefixed routine in perfect working order. Life will be safe and mundane. No more expectations, beautiful memories, painful lessons, happiness or sadness. Life will be so dead.

If you are hesitant in comtemplating your next move, take a leap of faith. Maybe say a slient prayer but be brave to take tat step. Much as it could be a potentially regrettable episode, it could also be the best move you make your whole life. This unique journey of living, with twists and turns is exactly wat living is all about.

Everyone loves the perfect fairytale story. Even if ours are less than perfect along the way, we are still entitled to that beautiful fairytale ending.

And you gotta make tat 1st step.

Believing the belief.

2011-04-18T04:57:00.001+08:00

Life muz be a perpectual prankster with wicked humour to boot.
How else can I explain the quick succession of difficulties, right after every relief arrives?

I dun hold great ambition or attempt lofy achievement. I am juz a normal man, trying to live a normal life in a normal manner...with my best efforts.

The events I am going through now will not stand in good stead with most. I have defy most conventional practices in my pursuit of Love and Happiness. I have been rendered irrational, nonchalant to social acceptance and lost. No one will understand the faith and belief I hold in my insistence to keep walking this journey. It's not easy and you dun need a genius to attest to that.

But it's a journey never meant for the weak-willed anyway. And I am brave, Love will keep me going.

It's nothing wrong to judge, to shun away, to criticise. It's juz too easy to do all that. And I do not need endorsers to tell me I am right. I made a choice and I am standing by it. And watever comes, so be it. If Life decided to fire me her best shot, I will try my best to return serve. And I will die trying.

If there's one belief that has never waiver all these years, it is Love. Love makes me happy and sad. Love makes me feel alive and worse than death. Love offers much and steals everything. Love makes me complete. Love will not fail me. And I found her.

She will be my wife and the mother of my child. Period.

Sometimes you juz gotta believe. Even when odds are stacked against you. Then you won't juz have a life.

You live it.

Life revisited

2011-04-14T03:51:00.000+08:00

Life could have been different. But then again, Life is already different.

Sometimes we are juz prisoners of our own dreams and ideals, chained down by the chase for perfection. the younger you are, the harder you chase...the older you become, the further your dreams get. You sober up eventually, older but none the wiser and Life still kick your butt as always.

Dreams do come true, and fairytales do exist. The only problem is there are simply too many of us, too different and unique as a single individual to be chasing the same thing. Dreams are like fingerprints, available to all but special only to you. One man's dream might juz be another's nightmare.

Thus, idealism is a lonely affair.

Living can be happier with alit contentment, acceptance and realisation. Reality has to be buffered in. Perhaps, only fools can dream all day long.

But Life suffer no fools. Sooner or later, we all submit to her rules.

Sigh.

Another day, another year.

2011-04-06T22:01:00.000+08:00

I hardly mention anything about this particular day here. Maybe the novelty of celebrations has worn off...or maybe some events aren't worth mentioning anymore. Anyway it's juz another day and Life goes on.

Phyiscally, I do feel MUCH older..hip-twisting and back breaking maneuvers had long been relegated to memories. I lost much weight though, and it feels weird to be wearing pants or shorts which have deserted me years back. There is still as much angst, albeit with better restrain. Other than thinner hair, prominent crows' feet and softer muscles, nothing change. I am still very much me.

Generally, I feel fine. And I have her, which makes me happy.

Ideally, I wish Life could have been closer to expectation...sigh. Tat's Life.

Duh.

Happy B'day Sam.

LOVE.

2011-03-27T21:06:00.000+08:00

A word that comprises so many different forms of understanding...a word so powerful, it has staked its place throughout history to grace the greatest stories, the most tragic of tales or the most foolish of acts.

Can we really grasp the full significance of Love?

Selfless..unconditional...undying...for better or worse...frequent proclaimations of love heard, but how many actually live by them? I see more selfishness and self-centeredness instead. How many actually place their love ones before themselves? How many of us actually bother how the other person feel instead of ourselves? How many of us really know wat's love is all about?

Love is like having tat person being the epicenter of your everything and vice versa. You practically live and die by it....an irrational willingness to submit your life completely to the unpredictability of Love's nature. A purveyor of 'true' love..or a realistic trader of requited love? Sigh. (My mentor always says 'Love is love and Love will be love'.)

Maybe only fools can live to tell the greatest love stories, since they are foolish enough to disregard logicality and justification.

Are you foolish enough to love?

Ghosts

2011-03-22T06:39:00.001+08:00

You are so haunted by fragments of truth, delibrate ignorance can't help anymore.

They are everywhere, aren't they?

Persistent shadows lurking among your memory, waiting to pounce on your disturbed mind. You can't fight them at all...the harder you try, the more they are going to choke you. Traces of past left their footprints silently, but your sensitivity manifested them into your worse nightmares. The mind screams for a reprieve, begging happiness to stop it from wandering.

But the ghosts are everywhere. And they remind you from time to time.

You can do nothing about it. You can't kill ghosts. They are long dead and buried, tucked away with Time. But they are trapped within yourself, you allow them to live on and allow yourself to wallow in their shadows. And they will not spare you any mercy.

They are everywhere. You can run, but you can never hide. And they are going to make your life a living hell.

Soon you will be a ghost yourself. Soon.

Keep Quiet.

2011-03-21T08:35:00.000+08:00

I dunno wat to say anymore.

Delirium.

2011-03-10T21:00:00.001+08:00

Delirium is sudden severe confusion and rapid changes in brain function that occur with physical or mental illness.

I wonder if I am edging towards mental dysfunction.

For all I know, I might juz be hanging by my last ounce of sanity. I move between various state of minds and experience drastic mood swings so frequently, I am losing sense of my identity. I feel the lurking devil within growing...instigating me to unleash the violence capped inside. I vision scenes of me killing people and actually feel good about it. Their pain comfort me and I love the sight of their blood draining them lifeless slowly. It is so real. I can almost smell their blood on my hands.

But no. It's juz another dreadful dream. I wake up sometimes and shrudder at the thought of myself becoming a monster. Is that me? Is that what my subconscious secretly wanted to do?

I am upset definitely, by the injustice of Life to befall some...while allowing some to get away. My righteousness is warped by the inconsistency of this flawed system, prompting me to dish out 'justice' on my perceived value. In my system, it's very simple. Either you are alive or you are dead, and many of us do not deserve to live at this moment. I will pardon or condemn you according to my values. I will melt out a punishment so severe, you wish you were dead. But I will keep you juz alive, so that you can go thru pain again and again.

Scary? Yes. Sadistic? No. It's the least some of these bastards deserve. Perverse? Yes. And it's very disturbing.

No one is greater than the law and killing bastards doesn't relieve me of a criminal offence. I can't endorse my motives based on the disliking for those people. Maybe that's why those recurring dreams. Becos only in this virtual realm, can my sinful deeds be accomodated and sentence those on my death list to living hell. Only by reenacting these gory dreams, will my frustrations be contained under a rational lid.

But it's so, so dangerous. There's no knowing when/how this lid will open.

Past tense, present tense.

2011-03-06T08:00:00.001+08:00

Staring out the window, I hear chirping birds welcoming the day. The cool peace of morning beckons a fresh start...traces from the night before, all but buried with the passing of Time. This is the routine of Life, going ahead with no sympathy for our past. Memories reminded our deeds...though some choose to remember, some choose to forget. But there's no denying the imprints on Time, for she had been there to see. It's an irreversible mark on a lifeline. And it's not a death sentence. Every face conceals a journey with tales to spare.

You seek at your own discretion, some tales are not meant for the weak to listen. Harping on them does not change events from the past. Instead, you get swallowed by the brutality of honesty and lose yourself in the present.

The present will become a past once it's gone and I dun wan a lifetime of regrets.

Dun be silly anymore.

Connecting with REAL life.

2011-02-22T05:13:00.000+08:00

I deleted my Facebook recently. Nope I didn't lose a limb, the world still spins and my life goes on.

I am getting more and more out of sync with the modern world. I can't understand the fixation on smart fones for most commuters taking public transport. I can't understand the constant need to refresh pages of FB, Tweeters to view updates. I can't understand the devotion to abuse your fone while having meals, while working, while having real concerns to be contended with. On the streets...in the lifts...in the offices...even in toilets...you see people enslaved by gadgets.

To add on to my 'bewilderment', I dun understand why they enjoy telling every mother's son you juz had the most expensive sushi in town, or your dog juz poo-ed on your sofa. Some even geo-tagged the exact location they are taking a dump. Juz becoz you are on my frens' list doesn't mean I am keen to know your daily bullshits, send me irritating invites to games/events/applications and flood me with snippets of your latest indulgence. Or stalk my profile, checking thru every corner of my virtual domain and assume you know me inside out from the links/pics/comments I posted. Seriously, 'poking' me won't earn you brownie points and I dun care if you 'unfriend' me becos you are pissed. I dun even bother if you are in a relationship with a hippo, as long as my facebook homepage doesn't show you making out with one.

Thanx but no thanx, but I think you should have a life.

I am sick with this obssessive dependence on these social networking platforms which is diluting the essence of real-time bonding. You dun make memories, build rapport, sustain a relationship by hiding behind a virtual personality. When the only connection you are bothered with, is the bandwidth from your provider...you are either one lonely techie rat or a pathetic, self-deluded dude who think having 3000 frens/followers is going to make you a mini superstar. All these interactive tools/advancements were created with noble intents but has sadly degenerated the basis of humanity. People are now contended with clicking their greetings/love/well-wishes in the shortest time to the widest reach possible. Declining birthrates, erosion of social grace/skills, burgling waistlines and failing eyesights are not a coincidence. These were the seeds sown from our own doings and we are going to be further penalised if we dun utilize them appropriately. But maybe the world is too blinded and steepd in oblivion to realise this anymore.

I am thankful to those who still care enough to catch up with me in person, especially my lovely darling who think the world of spending every single moment with me. I might not be as well-connected as you, but at least I dun spend hours accessing thousands megabytes of data and letting my existence by undermined by 'pokes', 'likes' and 'invites'.

Well, maybe you can try adding Mark Zuckerberg as fren instead. I am sure he dun mind getting poked by you.

A B C

2011-02-06T06:56:00.000+08:00

I didn't know when it came and I didn't realise when it went away.

The fervor towards beautiful expressions with incisive words faltered without any whimper. I am aghast by my unconscious desertion of literacy writing, which has immersed me in great joy to encompass a more inclusive and expansive perspective of my thoughts.

I thought the act of writing itself, is sufficient to gain proficiency.

Until I can no longer summon better words from a dwindling collection of vocabulary (with a much-strained brain to match), only did I realise that practice do INDEED makes perfect...BUT the wrong practice makes it permanent.

I seriously need to write seriously again.

*Words do not have to be extravagant to be understood. It's more like conjucting them in the best possible manner to create a mental visual or describe a particular sentiment. Thoughts that are written as intimately as possible, do convey and highlight the emotion felt during composing. By literalising my thoughts, I relieve the need to be heard, to be understood or compensate for the tiring pretense to be obligatory. Always express, never impress.

Counting down to your last breath.

2011-01-27T17:31:00.000+08:00

Tick tock tick tock, your end is near,
tick tock tick tock, cos I am here.
To crush your face in,
or to break one of your limbs,
tick tock tick tock, wait till I am sure.

If you are down, I'll make it worse,
if you are better now, I'll make your pain immerse.
That death becomes a luxury,
when living compounds every misery,
tick tock tick tock, in living hell you submerse.

Just you wait, you bastardly creep,
I'll strike so hard, you pray I am quick.
I will reenact your act,
and multiply the impact,
With pleasure, your demise I seek.

Tick tock tick tock, it won't be too long,
tick tock tick tock, you better be strong,
for what fun is it?
to weep when I hit?
Tick tock ticking to your death's song.

A line away.

2011-01-25T07:24:00.000+08:00

Love, as it is.
I have never been braver... yet also juz as highly susceptical to frailties. It's a sentiment tat musters courage and at the same time, invokes a huge sense of unpredictability. The safe zone is gone. I have decided on a journey with the barest of resources. Each step is slowly treaded, albeit recklessly at times. I am relishing the new role I am having, even though there's much to learn. The mindset has to be reset, priorities re-prioritise.

And then there are characters from her past to contend with. People which I never want to see again and the mere mention of some of their names bring rage. I wish I could kill them, literally...but I can't. I have never been tat particular, I wonder if it's directly proportional to the love I have for her. My mind is tipped to the verge of insanity, hold back only by the comfort of her phyiscal presence and love. I couldn't bear thinking the hardship and bad fortune to plight her, some of which are caused by assholes who deserve to be slaugthered. I am fighting hard to suppress the urge of retaliation. It's scary knowing wat I will do if I fail to keep it rein in...and lose the beautiful life I am having now. May the inner devil never win this fight.

One moment is all it takes to change or end everything. That's how easy to reduce all promises, assurances and hopes into nothing. While I put my heart and soul into growing this seed of love, a looming shadow of uncertainty might juz be waiting to strike. Fate has the trump card to crush all your stakes. You can do nothing about it and you can't beg for mercy. Wishing and praying suddenly feel so redundant. I will be on the receiving end no matter wat. You juz dunno wat you are going to receive.

How pathetic! For a man's worth and resolve is not able to rebel against the intangible influence of destiny. How many have sigh and shed tears, resigning to the higher force of Fate?

But I am insane and crazily in love. If I have to wage the biggest war of my life to stake my intent, then bring the battle on. For no supreme powers nor the most impossible odds have the rights to deprive a man of his will to plot his own destiny.

A thin line separates the foolish from the brave.

Behind every door.

2011-01-22T23:05:00.000+08:00

Life is like one big house with many empty rooms.

You explored the 1st room and started furnishing it with your first ornaments, decorating it to the way you deemed fit. You chose the colour, arranged the furnitures, adding and removing things, again and again...until nothing you can do, can refresh this room anymore. Maybe the colour wasn't rite, maybe the room is too overwhelmed with stuffs now, maybe you juz didn't like this room anymore. What happen next?

Some choose to stay on in the same room and grow to be unhappy. Some walk out, lock the door and go on to the next room. For those who walk on, the process repeats itself again, until the same ending occurs or finally they are satisfied with the last room. Some, after going through rooms, decided that maybe along the way, that particular one before is still wat they fancy and went back again. Some keep on searching for that perfect room...some might ended up 'roomless'.

Behind every door tells a story. Some are locked away, never to be seen again. But no matter wat, every experience with different rooms left something in you.

And hopefully, you find the right room to rest eventually.

Killer instinct

2011-01-07T03:42:00.000+08:00

How do you hone and sharpen your killer instincts?

By getting perpectually angry over and over again, with the same tot, getting familiar with the bastards who planted this angst and letting this frustation manifest. Then channel all this anger into strength to shape and train your mind, body and reflexes to the pinacle of your phyical self, while preparing the inner devil to wait patiently and lurk. When the time arises, they will be dealt with, with the best destruction you can muster and their pleas will be drowned with the disintegration of their bodies and souls.

In one swift, deadly blow.

Sometimes you juz gotta believe.

2010-12-30T20:46:00.000+08:00

An unknown preposition never deters me.

I tend to follow my heart more eagerly than my head most of the time, and ignore all conformoties to the tried and tested. Impractical? Checked. Idealistic? Checked too. Foolish? hmm..maybe double checked.

But you know wat, whenever I choose heart over head, I feel light and free. There are no restrictions, there is no precedence to guide, you break away from justification and do juz wat you deem fit. And you are happy, genuinely happy. Becos you live evey moment as if it's your last, without knowing wat is going to happen to you. You are not binded by the chains of practicality, logicality and rationality.

Free-spirit, like a bird. Totally liberation. You choose whoever matters to be in your niche circle, and suddenly the world is less congested, with alot more space to roam. Look at me flying in the vast sky!

So what if I am stop by reality checks? So what if work has to go on to put food on the table? So what if the rest of the world disagree with me? So what? I will take flight when I am ready again, raring to go one more time. There are too many excuses not to, too much fear, too much skeptism and cynicism, too generalised...conformers are juz like one big, ugly patch of grey sky. But I wanna be that ray of light, piercing through their safe and dull clouds...and show them that Life can be magical if you dare to dream.

Even if it's only for awhile, I'll be glad that I was ever the brightest star in my imaginary heaven.

Alive and kicking.

2010-12-29T06:01:00.000+08:00

I took a self-proclaimed hiatus from this virtual realm cos Life is too occupied with love to be penning down tots. I am simply enjoying every breathing moment living a life.

But I know I will come back somehow, when the mind gets laden with over-flown tots again.

2 days away from 2011, 4 days away from a new lair, and a whole head of anticipations. I am standing on the verge of 2010, waiting to cross over to the new year. The current year has been a rollercoaster ride of emotions...I am thankful I am going to end it on a high and carry forward the remnants to kickstart the next year. Looking back, the only highlight was to be found by Love again...and wat sweet, magical love indeed! If there was a missing piece of jigsaw in my life before, I have completed the entire picture now. The next phase is about casting this picture into a beautiful hand-crafted frame to hang. And last. Well, I guess that spearheads my resolution for 2011.

Time is going to be such a precious entity, I can't assure when am I going to touch base again. But Sam mostly comes here when he is blue, so if he is missing in action, be happy for him.

;) Happy 2011.

Murphy is lurking.

2010-12-16T20:57:00.000+08:00

In retrospect, I question the sensibility of some of my actions which turn awry.

The lesson learnt here is, no matter how much you plan or how righteous your motives are, things CAN go very wrong. Thankfully, nothing catastrophic happen to prevent correction of an unfortunate incident. Truth be told, no matter how diverse people are, there are still certain basic moral values/truths to ascertain. I can't fault the different approaches, since everyone rationalize and act differently. But I definitely can challenge the intentions of a done deed. Maybe I dun benefit from a kind, thoughtful gesture but at least there isn't any malice intended.

I think as long as my conscience is clear, I will stand by my actions, no matter the outcome.

Pawns of Life.

2010-12-14T19:34:00.001+08:00

End of the day, we are juz one of Life's pawns.

My sister juz had a miscarriage yesterday. I can imagine her heartache after years of trying to have a baby..my consoling words did nothing to mend her broken heart. She was devastated. That's life, and I only pray she will be strong enuff to get over this ordeal.

Everyone has their story, and everyone is trying damn hard to live their lives. Along the way, if we have more blessings than not, we should be thankful. We can't ask for more, we can't dictate wat's going to happen, we will never know wat the future holds.

Life is not easy. Living is tough. And I cherish everyday as it comes.

I might be gone tomorrow and that's it. Finito. Adios. Thank you for coming and next! No hard feelings but your time is up...this is the sequence and you are the next in queue. All of us are given a time frame, with various tasks and roles to fulfil...hopefully some beautiful titbits sandwiched in between, with some unforgettable memories to savour. When you finally get to understand and accept that the end will eventually comes, you juz make the best out of your available time. Nothing is too daunting to break you anymore, nothing is too insurmountable to overcome, nothing is impossible. Why fear? What can be worse than Death, if Death itself is already a confirmed entity? We all die someday and we dun have to make it faster.

Face Life, for she has already told you Death will be waiting. Only the journey ahead are filled with unknown prepositions, but the end is clear, isn't it? Face it and keep walking, for your time is not up yet. Face it and live to the fullest of your given time.

You are given one life. Make it the lifetime you desire. At least when you look back, you did lived before.

Time.

2010-12-10T23:27:00.001+08:00

默守相思难又难，
念念之苦满心堂，
盼日等到望明月，
爱佳永伴君身旁。

Time is heartless.

She is also impartial to whatever is happening around her. She juz go about her own pace, consistently, never missing a beat. We are all at her mercy, and she is deaf to all our pleas. She will juz go on and on, while we will follow. Every single entity and element have to abide to her pace, no more no less. Love her or loathe her, she doesn't care, for she has never been tainted by emotions. But she is wise...very wise indeed. She has a memory more far-stretched than you can imagine, and a deady accuracy for the future. She will tell you eventually when she has to...until then, you can only wait.

You can't fight Time and you can never win. For Time never stop, with or without you.

Time never needed anyone, we all need her instead. But she will never care.

Counting down 2010.

2010-12-08T03:45:00.000+08:00

It's the time of the year when people pine for bonuses, yearn for a grand finale or holidays, or are simply excited about Xmaz and the ushering of the New year.

For me...I cultivated the habit of recollecting moments from the entire year, as I ponder if it is a fulfilled or wasted one.

2010 was a year of milestones. The demise of a relationship, the struggle between reality and ideals, the relocation of workplace, the tedious diffusion of unhappiness and anger, the unforseen promotion, the new-found responsibility and of cos, when I met you.

The year was anticipated to end on a quiet whimper until you came along and become the icing on the cake. At this very moment as I am writing this, I am still counting my blessings for each day spent with you. For all the little details, places, people that directly or indirectly connected to us, it's strange how we missed meeting each other until now. I would not have believe another person to be so effortlessly like-minded, if Fate didn't allow us tat chance. After weeks of logical/illogical reasoning, I finally gave up.

The time came, and here we are now. And I am thankful to have you make Life more beautiful.

Today, I breathe an air of happy defiance, for your existence totally endorsed the inner me that was deemed too wayward for the mainstream. Having you beside, put more leaps into my steps, sharpen my resolutions on Life and fill my heart with warmth. With you to embrace the love I am always craving for, I am finally at peace with the angst that shadowed me for years. With each closer steps to each other and another step ahead together, we are going to embark on the final journey. Truth be told, it's not going to be easy...but I believe the magical powers of Love is going to see us through.

Everything about you juz encapsulate me in this realm of fairyland. You are the tinkerbell in my Peter Pan's world, and we will fly as high as the sky will allow us. Together, we will witness the passing of Time...and dwell in our neverending story of fairytales.

Be alone no more my love, for my heart is yours to keep. Let our journey begins.

Home.

2010-12-05T02:59:00.001+08:00

Do a google on the meaning of 'home' and you will be amazed there is over 20 definitions on this four-letter word.

Home. Wat's your definition?

The same word was mentioned twice to me by 2 different person and how contrasting was the empathy being felt. One was brutishly thrusted to my ears and indignantly shouted out 'This is my home! And You dun do as you like in my house!!" The other, was sweetly uttered while holding my hand and looking tenderly at me...'I have found my home.."

How the same word can aroused such opposing sentiments...

Home to me, is the place where love dwells...the place where loved ones gather...the place where you feel love, is being loved and find love. Home is the 1st place you wanna go back to nurse yourself, to busk in tender affections and the last place to shelter you, when all else goes wrong. Home is where your mind, heart, soul and body can be at complete ease, knowing that in this little domain, only closest ones can come in. Home is about acceptance and forgiveness, where no one's pride, ego, status is greater than the other...where only familar comfortability beckons, while the harshness of reality beats outside. Home is where you find your feet, to stand up everytime you fall, to recharge before returning to the world with renewed vigor. Home will always be the 'last man standing', impartial to all criticisms, judgements and biases.

For home is an emotional connection, rather than a phyiscal presence devoid of love, care and concern. No amount of fancy gadgets, furnishings and thick blankets can replace the warmth of a loving heart.

And home is you. Thank you for finding your home in me too.

*hugs*

GIve me some kisses and hugs tonight.

2010-12-04T03:34:00.000+08:00

I feel terribly lonely.

On a cold night like now, even the warmth of the blanket cover can't do much to a sadden heart. Transience is for the ignorance, while the conscious ones lie awaken. Fatigue becomes a familiar companion, with the soul needing a desperate overhaul. It's on nights like this when the living is no different from the dead, breathing through an empty shell of a body. You search for a routine to hide behind but yet the mind wanders. When getting lost is no longer a phyiscal occurrence, rationale grinds to a stop.

Breathe, cos that's the only thing you can still do.

Breathe.

Words from my soul.

2010-12-02T03:34:00.002+08:00

"Do not assume that he who seeks to comfort you now,

...lives untroubled among the simple and quiet words that

sometimes do you good.

His life may also have much sadness and difficulty,

that remains far beyond yours. Were it otherwise,

he would never have been able to find these words" ~ Anon

Me against the world.

2010-12-02T02:13:00.000+08:00

When the going gets tough, the tough gets going.

The unfold of events in a single night will dampen even the strong. But not me. It only serve to reinforce my belief that no one is more dependable in this world other than yourself. With the deed done, I expired my tolerance for the need to live under the so-called 'acceptable' rules of the mainstream.

Hell with you, fuckers! Stop telling me your perceived value of rite and wrong! This is my own life!!

With the seeds sown, there's no turning back. I wouldn't planted my own seeds of destruction if I wasn't certain about wat I wanna do for myself. From now onwards, I couldn't care less about anything or anyone else but her. Hit me with your best shot. The day I stand again, I will return u many times the dosage, I swear my life on it.

Whoever is not with me, fuck off and leave me alone.

Our 1st times.

2010-12-01T21:59:00.000+08:00

I think this is the sweetest part where every couples will get to experience.

The 1st kiss.
The 1st hug.
The 1st ....

But not when it's the 1st arguement/quarrel/dispute.

I finally have a slight taste of my darling's self-proclaimed temperament and I muz say I was alit taken aback. I still can't figure out what I said along the way to ingnite her fire and made her snap. Hmm. Maybe not all my jokes are funny and my light-hearted rebutts rubbed her the wrong way.

I am really joking. And I think you read me wrongly. Why would I want to intentionally piss u off lerrr?

It lead me to wonder when is it going to be my turn? And will you pacify me juz like the way I am pacifying you now? Hmmmm.

We are going for a long, long journey.

2010-11-29T20:08:00.001+08:00

I am happy, ever since I found you, contrary to perceived perception.

Of cos, Love, is the ultimate rollercoaster with highs and lows with every twists and turns. What matters is the rite person with me on this ride..and I am thankful it's you. Days become more meaningful and priorities got realigned. Armed with a resolution in mind, I embarked on a journey, hoping to reach my eventual destination. Along the way, there are bound to be obstacles and hiccups, I keep my fingers cross that we will emerge stronger from such and last the distance.

I am not superman, professional liar nor fortune-teller.

I can't possibly forsee wat the future beholds, proclaim words of eternity, give empty promise of assurances or perform superhuman feats. I am as fearful, highly mindful of every steps and as hopful for fairy-tale's ending. I can be juz as beaten, down or lost every once in awhile...hurt and sadden by situations beyond my anticipation. And I do need you to be there, being my pillar of strength, juz like how I will be yours.

But I have faith. And your love to keep.

I have embraced the fact that this is one arduous journey that is going to stretch my capacities and resolves. And I am not going to give up on us until you do. If there's one regret I harbour, it's the thought that why did we meet each other only now. We could have done away with alot of our regrettable mistakes before. Sigh.

But you are here now anyway, and better late than never, isn't it? For even if Time was to rewind, I wouldn't have done anything differently.

Walk on with me, darling.

'If either of us fears mending broken heart,
I pray, till Death do us part.' ~ Sam G

下一站，幸福。

2010-11-29T19:17:00.000+08:00

只要和你一起走，再多的辛苦，我也不怕。

Green-eyed.

2010-11-25T02:45:00.000+08:00

Jealousy is a pain.

It instigates your mind to throw wild accussation at your beloved and set false alarm ringing. You lose sense of rationality and start doubting everything under the sun. Your mind keeps refreshing tat darned moment over and over again. Your pupils dilated, nostrils spewing imaginary fire and to match your raging emotion, your brain decided tat you juz hav to kill tat mother fucker.

Thankfully, better sense prevails and after some logical summarising, you realised you are juz a silly, silly boy. By doubting the situation, you are slapping yourself in the face. You wanted to be with her cos she is special and different from other gals, no? If you affirmed she is tat special and you already won her heart, why starts doubting your own judgement and credibility? Relax, dude.

Take a break. Breathe deep. Calm down.

Dun be silly, Sam.

Drowned.

2010-11-22T03:36:00.000+08:00

Heavy. As if weighed down by a thousand tons. The heart, for once, lost its tenacity to pump.

Sunken legs dragged fallen body home. He was within proximity, but he couldn't send his goodbye kisses. His eyes would betray his concealed emotions and he knew he can never pretend a smile. He wanted to see her. He waited and got disappointed. She was so near, yet so far. They were 5 mins apart and he has to hurried himself away. Clutching the gift with defeated hands, it has to be another day.

His fingers spoke sadness at every stoke of his piano's keys. Listen...juz listen. For if he still remember how to weep, he would not have seek reprieve from his melodies. He bolted his door from within and hide, for the helplessness is back to haunt. The dreaded feeling came, more impactful than the last and almost drained his life away. He has to be stronger than this. He has to brace himself for the next hit. He didn't know his heart was so fragile.

Loneliness is a state of mind. Juz like now.

And his heart is still stinging from the fresh wound.

Love, game, set.

2010-11-22T00:03:00.000+08:00

How do you play a game of tennis by yrself? Hit against the wall? Play against a tennis-ball spewing machine? Hit ball after ball into the wilderness?

When are you going to return serve and engage me further?

Love is selfish. Love can be selfless too. And I rather choose the latter.

Love should be unconditional...love should always be mutual. Why would you want the person you love to become the one you can love? Shouldn't you love her for wat she is? No point dictating her life, wat she can or cannot do, what you can do for her, what you have plan for the future...

Does she even want it at all? Have you ask wat she wanted at all?

End of the day, the so-called love for her...is it more like love for self? Becos you love to see her like this, becos you love to see her like tat...does she even love tat at all?

I think it all boils down to the person. Do you love being yrself or love being the person the other can love?

I would love you to be you, so tat I can love being myself to love you.

Life, as it is.

2010-11-21T04:13:00.002+08:00

“as we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn’t supposed to let you down probably will. you will have your heart broken probably more than once and its harder every time. you’ll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken. you’ll fight with your best friend. you’ll blame a new love for the things an old one did. you’ll cry because time is passing too fast, and you’ll eventually lose someone you love… so take too many pictures, laugh too much and love like you’ve never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you’ll never get back.” – Rosalyn Lee

You, you and you

2010-11-21T04:08:00.001+08:00

Love. Always at the swinging extremes.

But I am loving it. For if you can't feel the most extreme pain, how do you cherish the sweetest love? It's all part of the package I guess. I dunno wat tomorrow brings. And I dun wanna know. Wat really matters is now.

Although I long for so much more, it's not within my control. I grasp today as if it's my last, and I count my blessings if Tomorrow do comes again. Life is so short and unpredictable, why worry over the intangibles?

How often do you meet someone with spectacular chemistry effortlessly? Sometimes not even in a lifetime.

It all started from an initial feeling of probability which manifested into reality. I still need to slap myself hard a few times to know this is not juz my imagination. You are here, juz right beside and irregardless of the short duration we had with each other, I already believe we were destined to cross paths. Whether I'll see you at the finishing point is not important...cos as on now, we will walk together. The day comes if either one of us is to depart prematurely, we should be much consoled that we were ever on the same journey before.

With faith, we will carry on. With mutual love, things can't go wrong.

And I love u so, so much.

I regretted meeting you onli now, but I might not have your heart if we were to meet earlier. Everything in Life has the right time and place at the right moment. If both of us didn't travel the paths we did then, we might never, ever have each other today.

I can already picture you old, fat and wrinkled. And I will still be loving you.

Be the olive mama in my life pls. *hugs*

Lost and found, lost and found again.

2010-11-18T18:59:00.000+08:00

I look forward to seeing you everyday, reading your new smses, hearing your voice, the things we can be doing together...

But is it juz wishful thinking on my end?

Until you are sure, I can never be assured. I dread the feeling of waking up to news which are going to derail the journey which we are embarking on. As I am waiting rite here for your call now, I wonder if your call is ever going to come...even if it does, what are u going to say on the other end? I hate myself whenever you are tormented..again and again...look what my love has done to you? Will you be happier if I have never appear? Are you so used to the life before me that subconsciously, you are hesitant to change? Should I juz...go silently and return you to the life you were having before?

I am juz as affected whenever you slump back to your uncertainties. I am new, I have nothing much to offer, I can't even do half of wat he used to do. I always believe Love should be the fundamental of any relationship. Cos with Love, everything is attainable and nothing else matters. I have no doubts your desire to be together is as strong as mine, but your constant waivering due to guilt, fear and panic are not doing us a favour. I will be there, as long as u want me to. But assure me too, for I am only a man, who also needs your strength to keep on going.

Don't keep me waiting. Don't keep going back to your past anymore.

Like I say, when I dun cry, it doesn't mean I am not hurt. It only makes the pain more unbearable.

For whom the bell toasts.

2010-11-18T05:42:00.001+08:00

And so a new chapter officially begins.

After bouts of unpleasantries, the dust finally, gradually settled. Speculations are still rife, but I am no longer wary of rumour mongerings. It's my life and I am living to tell my story. Tell mine to live for all I care, it's not going to make any difference in my choices. I am as clueless as anyone...but while I have faith, the rest have doubts and malice. Suit yourself, your 2 cents' worth is juz tat.

I am tired. Tired from all the happy moments spent, yet strangely revitalized. Time seems so short when you are in love and days passed like hours. You am juz happily lost in the labyrinth of passionate indulgence, when all that matters, are only the two of you. You hear only her voice, you see only her presence and all you can think of, is her and her only. You disregard conformity, you abandon rationale and you challenge the reins of social red tape. Only your own set of rules matter. Only her matters.

The time will come when you will be accredited with great foresight or plain foolishness. But until then, make a choice, do it and suck up the consequences! You only live once...going to heaven or hell is secondary.

At least, you know you have lived the life you always wanted.

There can only be one.

2010-11-14T19:28:00.001+08:00

I am helpless.

Seems like you dun juz exist for yrself, isn't it? No matter how hard you try to breakaway from the shackles of Life, you are always tied down by reality. Maybe I haben done enough, maybe I pale in comparison, maybe I am juz sadly, the unfinished article.

I dun wanna give up, not without a fighting chance. But I have hit a plateau and unable to proceed further...until you make a choice. I waited and waited..how long more are we going to stay hanging like this? If guilt is the biggest reason and you are unwilling to subsitite that with happiness and love, I will respect your call.

There will never be an ideal situation. If you have to hurt someone, then let it be me.

Juzt promise me you will be happy after that.

Let our fairytale begins.

2010-11-14T03:30:00.000+08:00

There's too much to say.
There's too much to justify.

I came, I saw and I did. Life is simply too short for procrastination. The feeling is right, the timing came and I fell for you. What's there to stop me? Isn't you someone I always ask for?

Sometimes, it felt too good to be true. Sometimes, I wonder if this is all a dream. I fear waking up to your absence. I love waking up to your face. I wonder if you are hesitant. I dunno if you will place your faith in me. I know we still have much to go thru. I am scared everything about you is going to end in a second. I need your voice. I need your presence. I need you. No one else but you, you and you.

I thanked God I found u. And I hope you will walk with me thru this journey.

Nothing else matters, no one else matters. As long as you stay with me.

这世上会有童话般的结局吗？

因为你，我相信有。

Little by little, bit by bit.

2010-11-13T00:59:00.000+08:00

I saw your face and missed a beat,
not quite knowing what actually hit.
I was taken,
I was awaken,
little by little, bit by bit.

I stole many glances, I stole many peeks,
the more I lingered, the more intrigued.
I knew I was gone,
increasingly forlorn,
little by little, bit by bit.

I was hoping we speak,
which we eventually did!
It got me longing,
every little meeting,
little by little, bit by bit.

You share your past, you shared your deeds,
you let me into your emotional pit.
I knew you better,
I feel you more,
little by little, bit by bit.

I couldn't wait, the truth be seeked,
my love for you I must admit!
If my vibes are true,
you have fallen for me too,
little by little, bit by bit.

Lo and behold! I took a great leap!
My fair lady's heart is mine to keep!
Alas! Problems unfolded,
and emotions exploded,
little by little, bit by bit.

It's not going to be easy,
It's not always sweet,
but as long as we stay together,
love will make us stronger,
little by little, bit by bit...

Juz one good climb.

2010-11-10T04:09:00.000+08:00

I am waiting.

For all the engagements between us, we are still steps away from the ideal situation. I knew the implications even before I started...I am not whinning. I am juz impatient...very, very impatient. Cos when factors beyond our control start dictating rules of our engagements, it is extremly frustrating. It's an uphill task from here and it's going to be even more ardous as we prod on.

But you are worth it.

Once a fool, always a fool.

2010-11-07T21:44:00.001+08:00

I have been running into overdrive for the past week, till the body finally succumbed to fatigue. I overestimated my ageing body condition to incur the warth of cough, sore throat, throat inflammation, flu and fever. Yet..my spirit remains strong. No logical science can explain the stubborn act of resisting rest juz to catch more precious time. It was apparent she is a different preposition but I wasn't forewarn that I might get addicted. It was a magical moment to remember and I am hooked. For good.

But alas! Life sometimes has a mischievous side of her, to makes things more challenging. I was injected with a potent dosage and left wanting...now I am craving for more. The withdrawal symptoms came soon after and now I am quite a wreck. How do you eradicate, when you have been contaminated?

You can't. You simply carry on.

If you cut off, the subsequent torment is going to crush you to pieces, as if you are being peeled alive. Days will become nights and vice versa, there will be no tomorrow, and you constantly hide in the shadows of your past. You only see one face among the crowd, the same face you see... when you close your eyes. Life, will be like aimless, living hell.

But dun worry, this is juz a scenario.

For what is meant to be, will be...and I do believe in this modern, urbanized city of ours, fairy-tales' endings do occur.

Crossing paths.

2010-11-04T06:45:00.000+08:00

‎1 Universe, 8 Planets, 204 Countries, 809 Islands, 7 Seas, 6 Billion People & our paths crossed. Why?

32 years down the road, I muz have met people in the thousands. Some came and left such an impression, you still remember them till this day. Some, you wish you could hav meet them earlier...some, you hope you have never, ever encounter them.

Some called this Fate.

Without A & B, you won't meet C. Every individual seems to be slotted perfectly into a timechart and appeared according to sequence, no more no less. Everyone bought and left something behind and everyone has a role to shape the man I am to become. You can't pre-empt their arrivals, you can't hurried their departures; When the time is up, they all leave you somehow. This cycle continues until you cease to become an entity of this amazing equation. Your timechart ends, so does your existence in others' charts.

And this is Life.

In good faith of the greater intelligence from above, this natural cycle of occurences helps to disperse enlightenment throughout one's life journey. You learn, by experience or mistake, thru people and places you meet, and decide if you wanna persist or change your choice of living. For better or worse, you are entitled to make a judgement from these pre-arranged encounters, and choose to turn left or right.

And this is Destiny.

Maybe I am fated to meet you in this lifetime, but I have a say whether you are out or in of it.

And we always hav a choice.

Que Sara Sara

2010-11-03T07:00:00.000+08:00

Like a serial drama, her life story unfolded with one high after another. My resolve is put to the test again and again. I did not waiver, not with a past that I am glad I was being bought back to (thank you for your unbridled honesty). I am onli very much saddened and shocked...that a person's life can be such a plight.

I am clear. It is now and the future that I am concern with, not a past that has already happened. There must be a reason we crossed paths only now. I do not know exactly what it is, but it has been a long while since my heart was sold.

This is not the end juz yet ; infact this is onli the beginning.

For the curve is steep and the end is far from sight. I am pretty sure there is no implusiveness nor recklessness involved in my conviction. I could be wrong but I am willing to place my faith on it.

Isn't this what I have been waiting for?

The war horns have sounded. Game on, Destiny.

Revelation.

2010-10-31T04:29:00.000+08:00

IN one fell swoop, reality triumphed and crushed silly tots to million pieces.

I was offered a preview of the truth behind that sweet demeanor and got smacked right in my face. I felt small, I felt humbled and I felt blessed to resume a life of normalcy, after days of decadence. For all the raging intent I habour to bridge the distance, I was overwhelmed with weakness... for being not possibly able to make a difference. From trying to salvage a lost soul in the deep sea, I realised I am juz a little wooden plank..high on nobility yet feeble like a kitten. I might end up needing rescue instead.

I am too depleted of resources myself to even try maneuvering hope into her life. Much as the heart is willing, the body is weak. It's like trying to scale Everest with bare hands. I can only offer words of encouragement, to issues which are beyond my ability.

Sigh! Such beauty to get hearts stolen!
Alas! Such irony they became shaken!
For only a great man could muster,
the strength to master,
and save her from being forsaken!

Heaven knows.

2010-10-30T03:35:00.001+08:00

I knew the underlying currents of emotions are getting stronger. The vibes are disturbing and recurring dreams of the same entity are getting frequent. I am jinking between anticipation and denial.

But it hit me unexpectedly.

In that one very instance, I was floored. It became clear that I was affected, cos the covetousness rage that followed, was quick and inexplicable. I have felt that way before and I know what that means. I stayed nonchalent, but my silence was deafening, I presumed.

I am afraid. Very afraid.

For I can't control what is going to happen next. And this is a frigtening notion to have, for an aries man.

Be afraid sam, be very afraid.

你不知道的事

2010-10-28T03:51:00.000+08:00

I was listening to this beautiful song by Lee Hom and got alit melancholic.

The have-beens, the should-beens, the things we tot we know, the things we might never get to know and more. All those guilts, pains, regrets, pinings and sentiments... Do you know? Do I know yours too?

I dunno if I know what I tot we knew, were wat we should or could have known. Maybe some things are juz meant to be like tat.

I would love to do better for you if I can. Really.

Give tat man a Tiger...balm instead.

2010-10-25T03:23:00.000+08:00

The 'baby bump' is getting alit too apparent to ignore, even by others. NOW this would totally be celebratory news, if not for the fact that this bump is on the bloody belly of mine. Those tiger beer towers had really done a wonderful job in fertilizing the growth of this tummy ; I wonder if a tiger cub is already taking shape inside. Growl.

For once, I curbed the thirst of wetting my lips with more poison and headed for home on a beautiful Sunday night. I finally succumbed to better sense (with empty pockets again), to realise that pinning my woes to pints, isn't going to resolve much issues at all. I remembered one episode of this TVB production <秋香怒點唐伯虎>, where there's this part when the emperor asked 唐伯虎 for advice on being a good ruler. In my heart, I came up with the answer of 以服得人。But 唐伯虎 replied "早睡早起" instead. I was cynical until he elaborated "..Man who wake up early, shows that he doesn't indulge in vices till late, which compromises his well-being, mind and priorities. Man who sleep early, wake up fresh and recharged, with a keen and sharp mind to make good judgements and decisions."

Simple, trueful and insightful indeed.

No wonder I am lost, disillusioned and disturbed. I evaluated my contributions in the store till date and I am ashamed to say, I haben been the most inspiring of leaders. All those late nights of pondering, drinking and time-wasting are definitely affecting work, health and clarity of mind. I should know better than to harp on the excuse of boredom or loneliness, and construct my presence in areas which are juz not productive to quality of living. Without a goal or direction, the tussle with moderation and liberation is set to continue. I need an inspiration. Or maybe I am lacking love.

I tried hitting the sack earlier than usual for the past nights with much anticipation, but sadly I didn't woke up to a smaller tummy, handsome face or million dollar account. Other than some weird dreams of peeps whom I dun expect to dream of, I still open my eyes to the same room, same routine, same worries. But I do breathe better (cos I smoke lesser), think clearer (maybe the smoke is clearing from my system abit) and coming to work more punctually. And I have more energy and brain power to tackle those problems. On hindsight, even though I didn't morphed into Superman, I become a more responsible man. And tat's is encouraging enough, I guess.

Temptations are great and the heart is always willing...human are the greatest purveyor of justifications. Sigh...I pray for kinder factors/influences to sustain this self-regulation. Since I am such a big sucker/believer in the therapeutic returns of massage, maybe I should channel my attention there and busk in the enjoyment of the other 'tiger'. A good rub can also gets you high, without the intoxifying effects of alcohol.

And there's definitely no worry of a tiger cub growing in your tummy ;)

Borderline Personality Disorder.

2010-10-19T05:44:00.000+08:00

BPD for short.

Juz an interesting read I stumbled upon during one of my bored nites. Well, I dunno if I am suffering from this but most of the symptons fitted nicely.

I dun think I am intentionally violent, as many has attested to. I am simply...volatile AND very emotional. 'Temperamental' is frequently being associated but on closer inspection, I am juz a little boy at heart, lacking *TLC.

*TLC - tender, loving care. (Thank you for teaching me this abbreviation, XT!)

Words are my solace from unhappiness and I constantly abuse them to maintain my sanity. I can't be punching the shit out of anyone, everytime I REALLY feel like doing it, rite? Since I still wanna keep my dignity intact and cherish my reputation, I allow myself this virtual realm to unleash my occasional madness, pent-up anger, contraditory tots and darkest insecurities.

I am not weak, in fact much stronger than you can imagine. But I do have my moments of despair and doubts. Conflict of self can only leads me to greater awareness. Confusion seeks clarity and complications find solutions. That's the challenge I face everyday to better myself.

I am not crazy or suicidal juz yet. This is juz the other side of me some of you get to 'see'.

Appt in hell.

2010-10-18T04:43:00.000+08:00

I am in bad shape.

There is no waistline to speak off, no savings to fall back on, no desire to move on. I needed half bottle of wine to get writing going, a dozen ciggies to sort my tots and my 3 mths-o speakers juz kaput-ed on me. FML.

I am so devoid of faith, so bitter of my situations, I am spiraling towards the flame of destruction. The angst is building up again and I am sore about everything, everyone once more.

At this point in time, I juz feel like snuffing out the bloody lights of anyone's lives. Esp you, you and you. Fuck off. I can be alone. And I will be alone, thank you very much. So much for love and compassion God! Maybe tat's why you hide in heaven, cos mankind are truly selfish, ugly and incorrigible lots.

Paying for your bill becos of? FUck you. Justifying yr actions of selfishness? Fuck you too. Concealing yr disdain for another but engaged in closet dissing and acting all righteous abt it? SHAME on you and fuck you x 5. I am a fucker to you too? FUCK ME then!

But you know wat?

I believe so, so much in karma. One day, you..You and YOU are going to pay for all the bloody actions, tots and words you committed. Me included :)

I hope to see you in hell.

And I am going to make it so much worse for you.

System failure.

2010-10-18T03:56:00.000+08:00

Something must have came loose in my processing unit.

I can't conjure enough words to speak coherently, I struggled in articulation of thoughts and I can't digest nor decipher information.

I feel overwhelmed,
I feel suffocated,
I feel tired.
And I can't breathe.

The brain cells decided to go into a state of comatose, leaving only the physical shell to live out the daily routine. When soul and body get detached, nothing gets synchronize anymore. You become a walking dead, imprevious to your surroundings and people. In fact, you are just as oblivious to self.

I apologise for being reserved and self-centered. I need to find myself again, before I find u.

Conspiratorial inspiration.

2010-10-10T06:57:00.000+08:00

I found this interesting and inspiring blog randomly.

Sometimes I am impressed, inspired or in awed of others' words. Then I wonder if they REAlly meant wat they said at all...or juz doing lip services. 'How optimisstic are they?...'Was it a deep felt sentiment when they posted their thoughts?'...'Did they really chase their dreams?'...'Are they juz like me?'

No one is perpectually fine, can they? Then how and wat is it tat keep them going? Or do they all have an alter ego too?

But wat a beautiful chain of reactions from their actions.

Be inspired to inspire. Simply amazing.

Alter ego.

2010-10-07T22:33:00.000+08:00

Everyone have a perfect ideal of self and none is close to being tat.

I live, trying to fulfil the expectations for myself to the best I could. Many a times, I failed. I became a devastated wreck, whinning and crying. But the weird thing is when another person come to me with the same failings, I preach with strength, encouragement and conviction.

Cos I have been thru tat before and I know that feeling. I cannot endorse your disappointments, sadness or despair. Cos I really want you to be better. If I can't, I hope you can. Not for me, but for yourself. If by concealing the exact fears and torment (I felt before), and offering you some words of comfort can tide you throught your difficult period, I will try my best to perk you up.

Cos u see, I believe deep down in everyone's hearts, we r juz as vulnerable. I am juz as conscious as you, as with everybody, about the harsh reality of Life sometimes. And there is really this genuine happiness felt, when you do get better. At least for me.

I can't be there for everyone, but if our paths cross, it's meant to be. I become strong becos you need me to. And you will be too, when someone else need you.

It's always you against the world.

2010-09-27T04:19:00.001+08:00

I always have this question...'What is everybody thinking rite now?'

I feel myself. I breathe, I walk, I pinch myself and there is pain. I feel alive. But thru my eyes, looking at others around me, I can't feel them.

'Are they even alive?'

They could all be walking bodies for all I know. Souless, mindless, careless.

Sometimes there is no relevance nor resonance in their doings. I wonder, I justify, I condone, I lament. But I can't see the real truth behind their faces. I can only try to relate, understand or empathetise. But I am not them. I can't feel their exact sentiments.

Most likely, I choose to believe in good faith, that watever they claimed, is true.

For we all have our own lives to oblige with, and until our paths are crossed or destinies are entwined, basically we have nothing much to do with or against each other. I am wat I am, and I believe I am as revered as I am much hated. I can't please everyone, I can only hope everyone is pleased with me.

I am not perfect, and so are you. We should be more forgiving, and less self-righteous about others' 'misdeeds' against ourselves. Seriously, it's juz a matter of opinions.

End of the day, it's about whether you bother to look at mine too.

*A note to you

I remembered dedicating a lengthy post elaborating any misunderstanding you could have derived while reading my penned tots. I could have not bother, but I did. By a stroke of fate, I found your new virtual diary and decided to remain a faithful follower. It was definitely a memorable day for you, and you have had your best time with the one who matters. I am not pissed, nor screaming injustice at your closet dissing. It's your personal space and I totally respect that. If my memory did not fail me, you replied enthusiastically to my wishes for you. All I wanna state is, given everybody's predicaments anytime, your personal living dun takes precedence over others and vice versa. I apologise for not keeping a promise, due to the factual truth of being penniless. It was sweet of you then on my occassion and I remember! I also remember my hospitality towards you when you graced my boutique. I am not being calculative, nor is this tit for tat. If our frenship is worth juz $2, I say we can both give tat a pass.

Frenship, like love, strive for the distance. There will be so many more celebrations to come, but how many people can remember them with you?

Happy b'day.

Top Five Regrets of the Dying

2010-09-27T01:30:00.000+08:00

I totally heart this. Hope it inspires all of us.

We always leave, the way we came.

2010-09-25T07:38:00.001+08:00

The boy who came to see the world,
saw his life slowly unfurled,
to the gales of Destiny moving on,
till breaths became so forlorn,
when he bided his last goodbyes,
only Death never, ever dies.

A face for different places.

2010-09-24T03:26:00.003+08:00

I tot maybe it's time to get real and get out.
I tot maybe I finally exhausted the diligence to write.
I tot maybe I can finally put this blog to rest and give my brain a well-deserved break.

I stopped cos I have too much to share, I came back cos there are no where else to do so. When everyone else is so preoccupied with their own shits, only me can give myself the fullest attention. A drink, a fag, a cozy chair and ample time to ponder, is all I need to unwind. It muz be the reflection I caught of myself today, that face which reminded my eyes that this is the most familiar face they have ever seen. A face that conceals the channel of tots in the head, a face that deny the waves of emotions in the heart, a face which constantly hides the truth about the man.

The man and his face, albeit pimpled, pock-marked one, is mine. And how tat face flatter to deceive!

For tat innocuous smile does not portray my despair of living a life so contaminated by reality. For that whiff of aloofness or nonchalance does not convey my exact sentiments. For what you see, is not always what I am.

I am becoming a recluse behind tat face...and dwelling behind the mask of a face to contain my detachment towards Life. You are but juz a face from the many. You are juz a face, not THE face. They think you are wat you are, from your surface. You can't be wat you wanna be, in their faces.

Why bother and who bothers?

Everyone stare more at their own faces, before looking at yours.

The beauty of simplicity, indeed.

2010-09-13T02:02:00.002+08:00

That was a long time ago, isn't it?
The void left behind...hollowed out by our differences, took away the last ounce of belief I once had, that love will conquer all. Love succumbed to reality and got replaced by tangibles. Love got moderated with progession and dropped few notches down priority. Love got misinterpreted and liberated expectations.

And then Love, is never the same again.

The days of unbridled innocence, coupled with the desire to be happy together, are the sweetest moments we shared. The beauty of simplicity, indeed.

Things changed. People changed. We changed. Or we all tot so.
In actual fact, nothing changes.

We are juz hardened by layers of our past and chose to move into the present.

Nothing changes. It's juz the choices we make.

It's only words.

2010-09-11T05:08:00.001+08:00

I think everyone loves a good/funny/tot-invoking quote every now and then.

'I never get jealous when i see my ex girlfriend with their new boyfriend , because my mum always taught me to give away my used toy to someone that is less fortunate'

'Love is not blind. Lovers are.'

'When you are single, all you see are happy couples. When you are committed, you see happy singles.'

I love words. The articulation of thoughts thru beautiful words always amazes me. These people...they might not be the most eloquent of us nor have the best constructed sentences but Wham! Bang! Their choices of words go right thru your heart, stir up emotions and make you nod in silent acknowledgement.

Not all great writers are great thinkers. But great thinkers have the best words.

I hate the lack of interactive communication nowadays. All the 'haha', ;) or OMG are as dead as the cold bodies lying in graves. Words are so casually abused, sometimes it's more like a concealment of the actual sentiments (or lack of) being felt. You dun need to have the capacity for big vocabs or perfect grammatical ability everytime. You only have to express truthfully with the simplest words to derive closest to tat emotion. Any feature of words to falsely/wrongly denotes your intention is 'literal prostitution'. In a world of 'Shakespearean bureaucracy' you would have been hanged. Many times.

I am blessed to be able to express myself adeptly with words, given my lack of academia education. But I still pride myself as a better communicator than 'writer'. Real-time interaction is still imperative to building relationships and conveying tots. Words are only meant to supplement or complement your actions.

Write, only when you have more to add. Other than that, speak up or act on it.

The pen might be mightier than the sword, but the make of a man is not measured by how much he dispenses words.

How do you know you are in love?

2010-09-09T22:34:00.000+08:00

How do you know you are in love?

Love is becoming convenient nowadays. And cheap. May everyone of you find someone who really loves you for being you.

To whom it may concern

2010-09-07T04:58:00.003+08:00

I struggled to convince myself I should be writing, maybe juz alit bit, juz to keep the post date jumping. And I am still struggling with what to write.

Hmm.

Becoz there are too many random tots to string together with relevance, becoz I dun wish to dwell on some of them and be bothered, becoz some things are better off not being mentioned. Ok, let's see how far I can go from here by 'free wheeling'.

Some things NEVER change, isn't it? Juz like your precarious choice of living. Juz like how I still hang around you, who seriously dun deserve much empathy from me. Cos I wanna save a 'fallen soul'? Cos I own you a living? Or am I juz a bloody idiot for letting you disappointing me over and over again? Maybe I still have some faith in you..maybe I dun believe a man can be so fallible...maybe I believe you can be better than what you are now. Maybe I am juz too blinded by good faith. You are right, I am hesitant about you. Your doings have left me with so much disdain, my trust in you has waivered. You are like the boy who cried wolf...many, many times. You are thinning my tolerance. And you know, once I cut you off, you will never have a chance to come back. Ever. This is the last time I m writing about/to you. Buck up and help yrself, bro.

And you, have left me so perplexed by your inexplicable behaviour, you make me resist having any form of interaction. Damn if I do, damn if I dun too...well damned me then. Till now, I still dun understand what have I done, when I have done nothing to you. I bear no intention of ANY sorts, grudges or malice against you. My name has became so sensitive to mention in your presence among our 'mutual frens', I actually feel rather ostracised by them. They actually have to conceal harmless facts juz to to prevent your groundless speculation!? GOd. I totally resent that. Look, I have no reason to dislike you and if I have nothing to say to you, it's becos I REALLY have nothing to say to you! I dun remember even being nasty/rude/sarcastic to you for once. We are still frens if you choose to be one, and things will be like before. Or you can take what I have written in the wrong way, be pissed and explode. Your choice.

Do I have to wield my rights and authority, be cold and nasty, before you guys have the decent sense to do and behave accordingly? I regard you like peers so that you dun dread coming to work or find me unapproachable. We can have fun together but We all have our roles to play, so PLEASE do what is required and expected of you, NO MORE NO LESS!! Please refrain from taking my silence as an endorsement for your antics. I am watching and I wanna see how long more you wanna stretch my patience. Trust me when I have to tell you off, it's not going to be nice. You are not going to like it, and I dun wish to do it either. But you can try me.

I am not your ATM. I am not a saint. I do have my flaws. I drink and make merry like you. I can be happier. I should think lesser. I know what I am doing. I know I am not always right. I dun need a reason. I dun need to answer to you. I am juz being myself. I dun need you to like or agree with me. I can agree to disagree. I care too much. I have never tot of harming/hurting/belittling/condemning anyone. I am juz trying to be a better man. And I am answerable to everything I did, going to do, have done.

So juz be answerable for yours too.

And my dear family, if this son/brother has more options in Life, I would really spread more love and concern to you. Pardon me. There's never a day that goes by when I wish I could have done so much more. But cross my heart, none of you will ever be left out of sight and I will lay down my life for everyone of you. Anytime.
I own you a dinner and I intend to get it done. But I am passive...ok I am LAZY. But I will definitely see you. I couldn't make more time for you. And I think I shouldn't too. I hope to see you doing better and better with time. I will be so happy for you :)

I am sorry for believing that you will never be unhappy. I love your words, the occassional mails and I know you are looking out for me. I will be your pillar of strength whenever you need one! Bear with my occassional disappearing acts, my infrequent msgs, my lack of empathy towards you. You are a dear mate. I am always a call away ;)

Mama! Your b'day and lunar b'day is on the same day this year, exactly like the year you were borned!! I would have plan a big bash if I wasn't so broke...what would you like to have mama?

All my buddies yo....where the hell have all of you been.....*echo...*echo....sigh. Good times dun last eh?

ANd I need to wake up at 830am. FML. Yawnz.

I am not done..but kaoz. That's alot for a post.

Disclaimer.

2010-09-05T05:09:00.000+08:00

This blog is NOT meant for educational, entertainment or enlightenment purposes. Any resemblance to real persons, living, dead or dying is fully intentional and intended for the intended. The blogger bears no responsibilty and/or accountability for any phyiscal/emotional responses incurred through (mis)interpretation of contents due to diverse/perverse/inverse functionality from one's dissection, digestion and dissemination of information. Reader with medical conditions or emotional instability is advised to exit immediately. Any reader questionable to OR culpable for the inspiration/intention of the blogger are encouraged to practise refrain from adverse confrontation/retaliation/implusion/reaction and seek further clarification/contemplation/introspection/reflection. The reader further acknowledges and agrees that by your own insistence/persistence to stay on the site, the blogger shall not be responsible or liable, whether directly or indirectly, for any damages or loss caused or sustained by the reader, in connection with any use or reliance on information or material obtained from this site.

In a perfect world.

2010-09-01T02:25:00.000+08:00

In a perfect world, there have to be imprefections...no?

If everything is perfectly alrite, then 'perfection' is a constant and no longer a perception, where and how do you conclude perfection?

Truth be told, I am nowhere near perfect, juz as everyone else isn't too. Nothing and no one can be perfect, and differences allows us to justify our own benchmark for perfections. The mark of perfection also have a shell life, till the bar is yet, raised again.

You can't be perfect, perfecter or perfectest. You juz wanna be the best of that moment, for once. Most can't, with that honour going to a very privileged few. And even that handful can fail to live up to that label again.

1. iphone is the most iconic product of this century!! So is iphone 3. So is iphone 4.
2. V is the most beautiful woman I ever met!! (Before X, Y, Z...)
3. Beginning - I will give anything to have that perfect woman with me!!
When together - Tat woman is perfect for me!!
Ending - She was perfect when I gave her everything. FML.

Why do we even bother about perfection then.

In a BETTER world, maybe there is only one gender, with perfectly similar physical attributes, personality, characteristics and love/eat/shit/live perfectly the same way. And all will be named say...John.

John 1 : Hey! Looking good John!
John 2: I know! Look like you too, John!
John 3: Look at us, Johns! We love being Johns!!

Hah. Makes perfect sense, no?

Life, as it is.

2010-08-31T05:47:00.000+08:00

I was going to write. And then I was not. I decided to watch a movie imstead and I ended up writing after that.

岁月神偷.

Catch this movie if you wanna have shed a lit tear or two. Superb acting by Simon Yam and Sandra Ng. My eyes were wet thru out the latter half of the show. Sigh! Nothing really beats kinship and Life can be so unpredictably vunerable.

I wonder the day I pass on, how many peeps will weep and remember me.

Sometimes we are so busy chasing or living the life we wanna live, we forget that Life is not juz about ourselves. In the world of millions, it's really amazing that we got to know who we gotto know. Call it fate or destiny, the encounter dun happens by chance.

I was/am there to meet you. And once it's gone, it's gone forever. It might just be once in a million occurrence. And at this moment, I feel so blessed to have known everyone of you.

Dun wait till it's too late.

And the line is drawn.

2010-08-28T05:14:00.007+08:00

Another of my classic cursing when i am pissed. Enjoy.

You.

The culprit of lies and deceit. One who abuse, manipulate and gain leverage for the benefit of your wayward living. One who challenge my misplaced faith and trust in your sensibility to be a better man. One who think nothing about the ethincal codes of conduct. One who persist in heading towards the sorrowful path of self-destruction. One whose intellectual capacity and ability is only to glorify the condemning act of immoral sexual conquests.

You. And you know who you are.

Behind the face of a quiet deposition, you are juz a dirty, despicable rat thru and thru. I could have expose you. I could have rip your credibility to pieces. I could have shame you. I could have punch the shit outta you.

But you know what? I am going to watch you fail miserably in Life. The line is drawn and on hindsight, it should have been drawn much earlier. I was such a fool to believe that you deserve my help and kindness. I should have smell a rat (pun intended). The acquaintance with you has tainted my existence, and degraded the quality of my life. You muz be using too much 'dickhead' to differentiate between the 'cunts' and 'can'ts', cos your actions has proven likewise.

You are the kinda of man who will come and put NOTHING on the table. Sneakily, you will chew and nibble what's already on it, until the next 'table' comes along. Realise why you only have pretenious frens? Realise why you can never hang around long enough to forge lasting relationships? Realise why even your own family have 2nd tots about you?

Cos you are one pathetic, shallow, self-centered, selfish fucker (literally) who never put words to actions and think too highly of yourself. No wonder you dun walk the talk...in reality, you can't! Cos rats scramble around!

To highlight the severity of your liability, I am telling you this in your lingo.
YOU ARE SO FUCK-ED Up.

You have exceeded their tolerabilities by leaving too much poos and the rat catchers are cunt-ming for you. Watch out.

*To the unintended readers of this post, pardon my usage of profanities and sexual connotations.

And he says.

2010-08-25T05:26:00.000+08:00

The angst didn't dissipate, or so they said.
'He remains bottled, aggravated and broken.'

But he is griefing. For the loss of humanity, humility and love.

He hides behind the shell of a human form and prevents his soul from the contamination of realism. Although realism is the proclaimation for survival, it is de facto the cause of eroding values. He refuses to conform to the system...a system where the rich get richer and 'elitists' are rewarded. He scorns at those, while perceiving themselves as deserved/brighter/superior entities on the status quotient scale, can only engage their time in self-indulging gratifications, prostituting their lives to the chase of (warped) quality living.

Wat status quotient? Whose justification on the status quotient? Who have the right to quote others' bearing on that quotient?

You are juz fortunate and you still breathe the same air from the next man on the street. Your academic excellence, financial strength and outstanding attributes do not encapsulate you in the class of higher-beings. You juz happen to emerge from a source which happens to provide you more options in Life. It could have been anyone but it happened to/for you, you fucking lucky, pea-brained, dork-faced of a twit. And you still die and disintegrate like all of us someday.

If he ever loses his mind, he is coming for you.
If wishes do come true, he will curse you a slow, long, painful death.
If he has his way, he hopes a macroscopic-sized event occurs to reverse this world back to its humble beginning.

And he would love to see how you fat, pampered, self-absorbed shitholes survive in this new status quotient. Try being high and mightly and see how those you trampled on before return you the favour.

Yea. He is an angry man. SO?
You pray none of his wishes ever come true.

Living Life, leaving Life.

2010-08-23T07:44:00.000+08:00

I didn't have the capacity for words in the last few days.

I was planning roster for my team yesterday and realised the year flew by in a blink. Sigh. I am still in one piece, still apprehensive of Life but hope tat there are more pleasant surprises than not. I am rather drained and in need of an adrenaline rush from anywhere or ~~anyone~~ the right one. Life has wilted to a solitary state. There's nothing excitable, anticipated or forthcoming.

I am seriously boreddd.

I am waiting for tat spark when my energy, love and passion will be unleashed and rid my days of monotony. Something momentous, someone so magical...tat you spend days thinking, and nights dreaming about. I can't wait to tear off this stagnation and have the fire ingnited once more. Where the air becomes fresher, steps become lighter and the heart is pumping with joy.

God...trade with me, shorten tat Life of anonymity (if any) and bless me with requited desires, even if only for a day. For what's a Life worth living, if only to live for the sake of living?

I am waiting.

The (Ugly?) truth of Happiness.

2010-08-18T06:33:00.001+08:00

I have an insatiable hunger for blissfulness...mainly becoz, I am rather deprived of it.

It's so astoundingly hard to feel unbridled happiness, makes my heart even fonder of such occurence, to the extent of even trying to bring little joy to others. A nonchalant act of randomness might juz means so much to someone, even though there is so little empathy for it. I am not consciously being nice or benevolent...but the obsession for that one lacking emotion drives me to search, understand and attempt to 'create' happy moments, however short-lived they might be. Of coz notwithstanding the fact tat bringing happiness, is also gratifying for both parties.

Maybe a lit foolish and distorted, but having the 'know-how' to bring bliss, I can reenact bliss again and again (?). I dunno... this is an unproportionate equation somehow. I believe you have to be happy first and foremost, then WILLINGLY (unconsiously?) pass it on to be deemed fit of 'unbirdled' joy. To purposefully make someone happy at the expense of one's own happiness (or vice versa) defeats the whole significance of 'being happy' somehow. But there aren't many instances when ALL are 100% happy in a situation...so happiness is a selfish emotion?

(I paused and pondered for a few minutes)

I think 'being happy' is selfish to an extent. When it's not self-gratifying, people are mostly apathetic or less empathetic to your happy state. E.g. :-

1. You are broke, I lend u money, I became broke, u r happy, I am not.
2. I obliged your invitation, you are happy, I am not.
3. I do your job, you get the credit, you are happy, I am not.
4. You have a new gf/toy/interest to contend with, you are happy, your ignored frens are not.
5. You shared stories on your wonderful life, my life sux, you are happy, I am not.
6. You got a face I would love to punch, I will be happy, I am sure you are not. Heh.

So when we say 'we wanna be happy', we actually mean we wanna be happy for ourselves only. When we say 'we are happy for you', it actually a polite formality since your 'happiness' doesn't really affect/concern/involve us.

Hmm. Do you still wanna be happy?

Diamonds are not forever.

2010-08-17T00:43:00.000+08:00

Look I am not a miser. But there are better ways to spend the dough if finances are really tight. To refresh memory, click here for my previous post. For endorsement, click here.

Diamond suckers, keep on sucking. Bleah.

Keep walking.

2010-08-13T04:57:00.001+08:00

I no longer bear the hallmark of youth.
No more pulsating beats, no more grasping breath, no more stolen heart.

Age has taken my innocence, mellowed my emotions and give me days in shades of blue. I miss the vibrant colours of adolescence, the carefree spirit of yester years, the carelessness of time...being conspicuous, pretentious and infantile. The smell of impulsiveness still lingers, but frequently fainted by a weaken mind. My eyes no longer chase fleeting scenes, only to realise that my world now, is never the one I thought I saw. While courting dreams and embracing hope like there were too many tomorrows, I forgotten to remind Time to run alit slower. Rampaged by the indulgence of selfish existence, my battered heart slowed to a tread. I have aged.

Wiser? Happier? More to come?

I have no clue. Time still choose to remain silent on the future, and you can only await Tomorrow to tell you more. The path taken shone no light on the journey ahead, and there is no retracing your steps...only to plough on and on and on.

Until your flame flicker off and take your final breath away.

志明与春娇

2010-08-12T06:04:00.002+08:00

H]nW os 55IW !

志明 taught me this simple yet beautiful method of expression (I improvised alit from his version). It made me recall those days when we were still using pagers to send sweet-nothings...sigh! Sweet~

Weather was fine, I got my new speakers and watched a beautiful movie with them. Smoking, meeting strangers, becoming frens and falling in love, all in a week! I heart this moviee!

'I am free, and I am single'~志明 (on why he is not home yet.)

'We dun have to do everything in a night, we have plenty of time.'~志明 (when he just wanna cuddle 春娇 on the bed in a love motel)

'I smoke cos I haben find tat 'reason' to quit.'~春娇 (on why she is smoking when she is asthmatic)

春娇 :'What can I say when I dunno if you are serious?'
志明 :'I am serious.'
春娇 :'But you never say anything'
志明 :'I already did.'
春娇 :'When?'

And 志明 showed one of the smses he sent to 春娇.

n 55IW !

Sometimes love doesn't have to be spoken.

Formatting Mother Earth.

2010-08-09T04:01:00.006+08:00

And here I am again, trying to write another post when I promised myself to sleep early. Sigh, me being me, pigs willl fly if Sam is obedient. Heh.

I seem to be moody again. Partly due to lingering worries, partly due to dwindling finances. I juz read some resolutions I listed early this year and realised I have accomplished none yet. With 4 months plus to go be4 the end of 2010, I think my resolutions are going to be fucked again. Wat a waste of time doing shit. Sigh!

I sometimes hope that Life takes on a miracle turn when I wake up the next day, or even suddenly having permanent amnesia is fine too. But then miracles mostly happen in movies... I think hoping for amnesia is so much more probable. I am constantly thinking and 'bothered' by stuffs, I hope my memory can crash for once and reboot. The 2 most apparent factors I can offer for my situation is 'not knowing what the heck am I doing wat I am doing' and 'not being to do what I wanna do'. THey really screw with your mind, cos perpectually finding reasons to justify 'why you muz do what you are doing', is like lying to yourself. Blatantly. What's the point of having the awareness that I should get out when I am consciously halted by reality?

A man with a half glass of water, can only drink this much. If you only have one mouthful left, live with the thirst.

I am definitely sore with people having the better packages in Life and still lamenting about their 'pathetic' situations. Fuck you. For you not only have a glass full of water, you can still choose the beverages you want. Your 'no money cos no work, yet going on trips'...'telling the whole world about your latest purchases/holidays/indulgences and still whinning about little setbacks'...and 'telling me how broke you are when you have savings/stocks/investments lying around' are a real pain to my ears. I would seriously consider butchering you to pieces and and scatter your remains all over if not for the legal implications. If you can't see the better-off position you are in, do yourself a favour and poke yourself blind in both eyes. At least you have an excuse for being a self-centered, uncontented, bloody idiot.

Facing the force and pressure of living in this materialistic society, I hate the lack of equilibrium in this system. I pray endlessly for a catastrophic occurrence to wipe out the difference in wealth, stature and living standards and revert all of us back to basic again. We can all hunt animals together and live in one big cave. ANd I can punch the shit out of you when you start spewing crap again.

Now, if only I can pull the plug and reboot the world.

Thinking of little XX.

2010-08-08T03:38:00.002+08:00

I have this knack of always doing the wrong things at the wrong time.

1. When I am inside a crowded lift and suddenly I feel like farting.
2. Having an instant urge to shit when the nearest toilet is like miles away.
3. Getting ready to sleep and then turn on the lappie for a short surf. And ended up shacked the next working day.

Juz like now.

I came out from the shower at 1 +am, thinking maybe I shall juz have a fast glimspe of my FB. Then I tot a beer would be nice. And beer cannot go without nuts. A puff to top it all would be fantastic. Damnz I might as well blog...2 hours after that initial tot, I am still on the bloody lappie trying to finish this post, and wakie wakie is 5 hours away. Why I can't choose to blog on my 2 off days is beyond me. Maybe having a timeframe to hinder, makes me more concise in my blogging.

2 days passed like 2 hours, I didn't feel like I did lots of stuffs (basically I was catching up on sleep). But I did meet up with my 2 cuzzies and my sweet, beautiful niece, XX. Somehow, I 'fell in love' with XX the 1st time I met her and how I wish I have a lit gal of my own juz like her. Something in her eyes tell me that she is lonely...and as an only kid, it can only be more daunting to her situation. I did abit of catch up with XW and was saddened by her current plight. But much as I empathetize with XW, i worry more for XX. Kids are always the most innocent parties in disputes between parents. I went home thinking whether I can play a little part in XX's upbringing, and give her my care and concern as an uncle figure. SIgh... My heart really goes out to little XX.

I have seen and heard too many unhappy marriages ending in divorces. What can happen along the way and diminish the love which binded initiatly, is unpredictable. No one wants to make a wrong choice and everyone hopes to be happy ever after. I am the result of the failed marriage of my parents and I grew up pining for a complete family. I am angry but I can't blame either of them, so I live with it. But I was sore, i was jealous of others and I still bear the hurt till now. And I am definitely fearful and skeptical of going into a marriage myself. I dun wish my kids to go thru what I had been thru.

From what i see, XW is a loving mum, and I am confident XX will be much blessed with her doting granddad and 2 sweet aunts caring for her. I jotted down XX's b'day and asked for her mobile number yesterday...I hope she is not too disturbed by my attention. I can't explain the affinity I feel towards XX, but if I can bring some happiness to her and see her grow into a fine, young lady someday, I would be so, so pleased.

Chasing 2010.

2010-08-05T03:33:00.001+08:00

5 days passed in a frenzy and I have 2 off days creeping up after 12 am tomorrow.

It wasn't as taxing as I tot. Some loose ends were tied up, BIG boss from HQ was sent away happy and I lost a few pounds from missed lunches. 4 late nights and a weary body later, I survived to attempt another post (Though my brain is spacing out and I am yawning wildy like a safari lion). And then there's still this month-end report undone. Knn.

Seems like I can't find the right amount of dosage to fill a day. Too much work..I am pissed, too much time...and I am pissed too. Lacking of spontaneity is a recurring issue, my nature is simply too 'excitable' to compromise living out a planned and mundane routine. Problem is, the level of spontaneity is in direct proportion to your financial health and I am still as broke as church mouse...sigh! Responsibilities are reining in my pent-up frustrations with Life, work and people, and keeping me grounded against uncalled-for activities. I do feel like drinking half a gallon of beer, have some merry-making ~~and punch some idiots in their faces~~ or just lose my identity for a night! Simply salivating!

On a solemn note, I am preparing myself for the uncertainties ahead. Empirically-speaking, I am skeptical about the year ending on a flourish...but being 32 has brought about some much-needed maturity and significant changes, I do hope Life can be much kinder.

To quote loosely from a quote in 'Forest Gump', 'foolish is wat foolish does too'.
But sometimes being consciously foolish, can deter unnecessary sadness.

Presumed ignorance might be an acquired taste.

Was Sam ever your Sunshine?

2010-08-02T05:01:00.001+08:00

I realised blogging got alit more intense in recent weeks.

Life is rather colourless at the moment, with work occupying a huge chunk of it. I am fatigued, restless and dying for a break in this monotonous routine. And I am proud I still have so much shits to churn out, guess my mental processor juz dunno when to stop!

I have been pondering about the effect(s) of my existence after reading one of Jason Mraz's posts. It dwelled on me that I have been more concerned and conscious of my surroundings and people having an influence on me, rather then the other way round. And I TOT I was empathetic all this while. I am juz another self-centered dude, blinded by my narrow mindness in deliberation and oblivious that some people are appreciating/disliking me, for being me.

Juz like having dinners or spending time with mum, webcaming with S, msning with R on my way to work, chatting with peeps online, smoking with P, hanging out with buds, doing a favour for anyone...my every action, every smile, every word....could have meant something to them. I might make their days, spoilt their moods but I am not insubstantial to their moments. I was there, I came and I affected them. Even if I can't relate much but I am sure I did make a difference somehow, for better or worse.

Esp those I unknowingly touched or brighten their days and became part of their moments. I apologise for lacking your sentiments towards our exchanges, or even being alit causal or indifferent at times...for I can never imagine a dork like me, can be your sunshine sometimes.

We can all be heros.

2010-08-01T06:28:00.001+08:00

AG said aries are superheros. Or at least like to think of themselves as one.

I dun deny I grew up idolising Superman and his amazing super powers. I forgot the amount of times I tried to cape my mama's blouse behind my back and plunged off any raised heights. In fact, I am proud to have got so influenced by a fictional character, cos he embedded me with a strong moral compass which serves me till this very day. Superman was my epitome of power, righteousness and masculinity.

Of cos, less that red undies on the outside lah. After one tight slap for putting on my mum's knickers over my pyjamas one day.

I was borned fleet-footed, atheletic and competitive. I relished every opportunity to square off with the best. Coupled with a fiery temperament, I never back away from a preposition to challenge. Perhaps I was rather misled by my above-average attributes and started thinking I was invincible...and during those wayward years, I exhibited those physical prowess rather carelessly on the streets. Having 'powers' distorted my thoughts into feeling superior, and having the warped notion that absolutely nothing can ever hurt me, juz like my cherished Superman.

I must have been one big jerk of a troublemaker to my dear frens, cos I can't remember how many times I had compromised their safety by taking things into my own hands. I was never evil, but always too eager to dish out justice my own way. I haben lost a fight but I am sober enough now to know tat the day I do, it might cost me or a closed one's life. Power doesn't necessarily equates to violence (unless very necessary!) or pure brawl. It takes an intellectual and responsible brain to harness power to its best conductive capacity.

As quoted by Uncle Ben in Spiderman, 'With great power, comes great responsibility.'

And eventually I realised I dun have great powers, but that didn't hinder the awareness for more responsibilty. We dun have to be superheros to understand that we should be accountable for our actions. And sometimes by inflicting hurt, I inevitably cause more regrettable damage.

By living out our lives in the best, morally, socially-responsible manner and setting good examples, we are already heros in every sense. You dun need to fly to inspire, for the deeds that started from you and went on to infect another, are far more inspiring than any powers can muster.

Being wistful.

2010-07-31T06:24:00.001+08:00

XL said I am pensive. P said I am dysphoric. Buddies think I am melancholic.

I dun think I am perpectually sad...but I alit more sombre these days. Maybe becoz I chose to refrain from overly-displays of exuberance to hide and protect my chain of thoughts, I ended up looking bothered and distant.

But I am definitely hoping, even though albeit hesitantly, of better things to come.

Experiences from disappointments and over-fetched expectations have taught me to desire with a tinge of vacillation. You can never be too sure and I dun wanna be too optimisstic, for the aftermath of an unacquitted anticipation could be too immerse to take. I chose to look at a cup half-empty, so that I can appreciate the cup half-full. By injecting slight pessimism into my daily life, I am more tolerable with setbacks, and less complacent of good fortunes.

I told P that everyone has a story to tell, has a past that reminds, which make us apprehensive towards what the future beholds. I was affected by my past which moulded me into the man I am today, but I dun dwell on it. I learnt and I move on. Whatever bad that had happened didn't kill me and I relish the chance to fight another day. Neither will I harp on those events and think that the world owns me a living. Some have it better, some have it worse, it's the brutal truth of Life. I might not make mine better than them, but I can make mine better for myself. And I will be thankful when/if that happens, or juz simply shrug my shoulders if it does not. C'est la vie.

If being wistful subdued my emotional displays, I would rather be misunderstood as sorrowful. FOr I know when Happiness hits me, the smile on my face is as genuine as can be.

In sanity OR insanity?

2010-07-30T07:48:00.000+08:00

I can sit and ponder for hours, and then I realise I am actually doing a 'Q&A' session with myself.

I will wonder, ask questions, think about them, give answers, challenge them, reaccess the answers, convince myself and then wonder if I am convinced. This laborious process can go on and on until I expire the mental capacity to go on. And then I will continue again the next day and the next day and the next day...

And I am surprise my brain haven't malfunction yet. I might juz ended up one of the greatest philosophers of modern times or the most severe nutcases someday, but I can die assured knowing that I did utilized and expedited the (de)generation of my brain cells.

Metaphorically-speaking, I am like an insanely brilliant Picasso, who is also brilliantly insane. Such undoubted gift, yet at the same time cursed by the consequential talent is contraditory of the proclaimed genius' works.

For end of the day, it might not be a stroke of brilliance but rather, an expression of insanity.

When the sun was shining.

2010-07-28T03:03:00.000+08:00

"You are my sunshine, my only sunshine,
you make me happy, when skies are grey..."

Such a simple song, such memories. Sometimes the simplest words or actions say the most.

It's such a blessing to have people who bother about your well-being, people who show acts of concern without hesitation, people who think about you without you realising, people who check on you from time to time.

To the people who never have to care but DO anyway, I thank you sincerely.

For it's my fortune to have met you and have you sparing me a portion of your precious time. My days are brighter, my heart is warmer and life becomes easier to soldier on. All of you are like angels, descending on this hapless soul in his darkest hours, and guided him home. Sam feels it, sam knows it and sam is very humbled because of it.

For this average man with average attributes, he is no more deserving than the other man in the street. As a boy, he was not spectacular. As a man, he leaves much to be desired. In return, he has none to offer...in appreciation, he will always remember.

But Sam is walking his own path. A path which one day, will makes him understand what his life is all about. A journey so unpredictable, so selfish, that he wishes no one will tag along. Until the day he finds his sun to light up this path, he will be walking it quietly, all alone. Until he is ready, he will be isolated. For he is in exile, for he needed nobody else. For the sunshine tat came before, casted a glow so glaring, he is still smarting in sad darkness.

But there's an inner child in him, and he craves for that fairy tale ending. When all well will ends well and people will live happily ever after.

"....you never know Dear, how much I miss you,
please don't take my sunhine away..."

2010-07-27T03:54:00.000+08:00

Sometimes, some things are best kept somewhere deep inside.

If you know me well enough, you already have the answer to your question.

And Lenovo is her name.

2010-07-27T03:04:00.006+08:00

The deed was done in less than 15 mins.
First store, nice sales person, best machine within my budget and I was sold.

I was rather surprised by the ease of selection (or rather my inadequate knowledge of computer stuffs which compromise my choices...) and the truth is, typing my first post on the brand new lappie, I am still wondering whether I got the best value for money. Specs-wise, it should serve me fine for the next 2 years (I am a cheapo and I am expecting 4 5 yrs...). 15 inch display, 8mb ram memory, 1G independent graphic card, blue-ray disc player..well I can't really complain.

But seriously,she's an ugly lappie.

Maybe it's has something to do with age (or maybe my deteriorating eyesight), asthetic concerns doesn't matter too much. I am still coming to terms with her high-glossed finish which leaves unsightly fingerprints and the non-tactile keypads. But I am sure I will grow to love her and appreciate her inner beauty over time.

At this moment, I am still struggling to figure out Window 7.
But watever it is, my virtual journey continues :)

For a change, change.

2010-07-23T04:10:00.000+08:00

R sent me an email with an attachment document which she found in one of her old folders.

When I downloaded and read the contents, I was surprised to realise it was something I wrote and sent to her 10 years ago (?). It got me melancholic reminiscing careless days of youthful exuberance but also greatly shamed me to recognize that nothing much has been done since then.

I am still plagued and whinning about the same issues, haben stop smoking and still dreaming/talking instead of realising my aspirations. 10 years is a long time, mind you. Much as I find some solace that 'Sam' then and 'Sam' now still carries the same sets of principles, I am disheartened that Sam had lost 10 good years.

I haben spent a great deal of time reflecting on personal events like I did juz now. Maybe becoz most were so forgettable and regrettable, there aren't much worth recollecting. Some cherished moments are never to be repeated and significant people have long gone.What are left are fragments, which only remind what have been lost. I do feel like a man in denial, for failing to close the past chapters which linger and using nonchalance to hide my pain. My heart is heavy, knowing that some things will never come around twice.

I can't retract on deeds done or resow the seeds sown. I will live to regret that on hindsight, I could have done them better or differently. I have passed so many points in Life without setting any milestones, I think the heart has lost anticipation of better things to come. Days will become weeks, months, years and for all the optimissim I advocate, I am living the defeatist's life. And today I am alone becoz I believed I dun deserved anyone else, and my life is not meant to be spectacular, exciting or rewarding.

I have 'accepted' Fate. Or rather, I have pushed the blame to Fate. And I think it's time I make my own fate.

If I have really give up on myself, there wouldn't be any desire for Hope. Becoz I am still habouring a fightback...becoz there is still anguish at watever had happened...becoz I do wanna be a better man/son/buddy/lover.

Becoz Sam is still breathing. And destiny should always be in his own hands.

Dun let yourself down anymore, Sam.

Taking the leap.

2010-07-19T04:22:00.001+08:00

How many times have you got a hunch, that you have to get something done?
How many times have you felt a vibe, that watever you are doing is right?
How many times have an intuition told you, that you juz have to do wat you have to do?

When eventually realised and justified, you are admired for that faith in premonition.
If you failed, you will be pronounce a fool for acting on that gut feeling.

The road less travelled is risky and arduous, let alone an unexplained, anomalous emotion. Some leapt...and got rewarded, some...plunged into the depth of wilderness. When all logic sense and school of thoughts get thrown out of the window, when there is no precedence to rely on, when all ethnical codes of conduct and moral values no longer govern or impede the growing desire...shall we still do it?

You are not alone, as there are many more out there facing similar dilemmas. But you are ALL ALONE, cos no one else can do it for you.

I have never come to terms with the evolving state of mankind. I hate the perceived 'rights' and 'wrongs' in this guarded society, I detest the need to be mainstreamed, to be judged 'normal', I stand up against the self-righteous powers of systematic rules, the false pretense of democracy hiding behind archaic, outdated traditons and cultures. I break free from the clutches of justification, ignore varying opinions and rebel.

Take that leap of faith, if you believe strongly enough. Sometimes in Life, we can't always be too certain before we act. Dare to dream and dreams might juz come true.

Afterall, it's your own life.

"He who loses money, loses much; he who loses a friend, loses much more; he who loses faith, loses all.

~Eleanor Roosevelt

Sam is not available now, pls leave a msg after the beep. Beep~

2010-07-15T05:46:00.002+08:00

Words, seemed to have deserted me yet again.

I am badly in need of an extraordinary surprise to elevate my mundune mood. An imprompt holiday, a sudden reaction or a terrific incident. Anything at all. Cos days that passed left no mark and days that stretch ahead leave little for excitement. I am falling into a routined pathway of the mainstream working class and it's killing my zest for life. My speeches are so prefixed and choices of words so limited, I feel like a bloodly answering machine.

Q : Off ah?
Me : Work ler...xianz. shacked.

Q: Wanna meet for dinner/drink/kopi/watever?
Me : Nolah, tired...going back to sleep, tom work ler. Xianz.

Q : Wa so early wake up ah?
Me : Work ler..xianz. Tired..

Q : So free online?
Me : Work ler...knn. Xianz.

Knn. Basically my standard reply is not too difficult to anticipate and with words like 'knn', 'tired', 'xianz', 'shacked'...it's already implying the growing resistance to my current daily affairs. I dun dislike the aspects in the routine, but rather how the routine is boxing up my extention of involvement in other areas. Free time is such a luxury, I even have to make time to shit.

How do you trap a ram? You dun have to. When a ram is not raging, he is trapped. Give me some suspense at any expense and make it intense please!

Aries suffocate at the mere thought of normality and die of natural causes. We are like some action-packed movies filled with all the booms booms bangs! We are the Armageddons! We are the Spartans! We are natural disasters! We are loud and never boring! We are passionate and always urging! Love us or hate us, we are the extremes! But when we are none of the above, we are nothing. We become lambs for slaughter.
Bleahhhhh.

It's 552 am oredi and later work again ler. Bleahhh bleahhh.

Jack's wedding dinner.

2010-07-11T04:41:00.000+08:00

It's was nice seeing cousins.
Esp xiao wei, xiao li and xiao tong.
Happy to see gugu and uncles too.

How the Goh extended family never really bonded the way we should be...I dunno.
Maybe fights from the previous generation took a toll on the current one.

I never like wedding dinners. Today was an exception.

Maybe we are family afterall.

yawn. pardon the inability to elaborate further. I am tired today. And at a loss of words.

I decided to make a post to remind myself that I really enjoyed meeting my folks.

The equation is incomplete without you and me.

2010-07-10T07:19:00.001+08:00

In an ideal world, there should only be Love.

It pained my heart when people get on the wrong side of affections and animosities are formed. Differences are bound to be aplenty, but to the extent of prejudices, biasedness and total detachment? There's no winner here.

How long can a lifetime span, to weave webs of anguish and hatred? In the beautiful world, we live and let live. In the real world, we live to retailate. Shortchanged? Take back! Maligned? Fight back! Infringed? Give back! Opposed? Fuck back!

I say... we better watch our backs.

Everyone of us is a part of the formula to the greater equation. There shouldn't only be you or me, nor you versus me. We are all but one of the huge equilibrium of existence.This world can't function with only SAMs! We need all the Toms, Dicks and Harrys too! For the greater good, for the greater deed.

Existence is self-indulgence. Co-existence is exemplary.

If there was only Adam in the garden of Eden, he would still be masterbating to the visuals of trees, animals and maybe his own reflection.

Make love, not war. Cos Life is seriously too short.

Quick Fix.

2010-07-09T06:07:00.000+08:00

I miss writing for the past few days and was rather determined to clock some literal mileage until I decided to check my mailbox first. Bad mistake. Cos the fixed routine everytime my pc boots up goes like this :-

Check emails-->facebook-->twitter-->facebook->msn->fb>emails>news>blogs>news>fb>twitter>fb>fb>fb>fb...

By the time I am writing this, I am 2 hours after when I initiatly wanted to start, diverted from my intended content, drained and yawning. I have to admit FB is indeed intoxicating, or maybe my own life is so mundane, I am envying others' lifes subconsciously.

I have been occupied by work, and exhausted by its mental demands. I come home everyday, dress down, slump onto my fav sofa and pass out. Sometimes with saliva seeping out from the dry corner of my lips. Shift work is causing hassle to my life...either I can't find anyone to hang with or it's too late to hang by the time I knock off. It's even tough slotting in time for dinners, chills or haircut. When I have all the time on my off days, I silence every god damn alarms, blast the aircon and juz hibernate. OKay..I do watch lots of soccer too, it's the WOrld CUP people!! I am not displeased yet I dun wanna my time to revolve juz around work. I want to run, play some soccer, go ktvs, drink..watever. Routine stuffs juz make me sick and I hate feeling enslaved to any particular regime.

It gets worse when your close mates or friends suddenly seem to vanish overnight.

Seabass has happily (or foolishly) deserted brotherly duties to serve time with the woman he believes is Helen from Troy. Marche is searching for his Helen. Pilot is well..that monicker is self-explanatory. The last kaki left, chose to downgrade to a platonic relationship. The rest... let's juz say the chemistry is not too apparent for me to indulge or have agendas that differ greatly from mine.

And then you wonder why you even bother about these people.

I am finding it so much easier toking to the random taxi-drivers, stall-helpers or toilet cleaners. Cos when they engaged you during that short duration, there's no expectations, judgements or justifications and you tok about anything under the sun. You move on and both go back to watever they are doing. Simple and fuss-free.

Maybe terms like buddies and bros are overrated. Why should they even care? Why should I then?

Narcissistic delusion

2010-07-03T01:13:00.001+08:00

Narcissist. <--- Read this for further elaboration.

Have you heard people who keep telling you what they have, what they can do, how they can do it and how much better they can be? I have met a couple and some can be really inspiring. They exude such sense of confidence, nothing seems impossible to achieve. They give me hope, strength and belief and they inspire me to be a fighter in times of adversity.

But what happen when the SAME people keep saying the same things over and over again without concrete actions? It makes me sick and I wonder what is stopping them to act on their talking. It took me awhile to realise that I am facing a narcissist. In two words, it means 'empty vessel'.

A narcissist has a huge ego to protect and is constantly painting an imaginery projection of himself to portray to others. He is more conscious than anyone about his flaws but instead of correcting himself, he diverted the responsibilites away. He believes he is always right, he can always do it better than anyone and he should be the benchmark instead. He wants to be taken seriously, he wants you to listen...yet he can't be told he is fucked. Google told me narcissistic people are masters of deceit. Indeed. They flatter to deceive so much that even themselves got blinded by their own acclaims and ended up victims of their own delusions. They can't afford comparisons which expose their lack of attributes/skills/talents and retaliated with empty promises, unendorsed claims and further deceptions. They believe they are too good to be fucked, too smart to be told off, too important to be wrote off.

Thank you and keep on believing.

Becos people like you allow people like me to futher enhance myself. You are a living specimen of an empty vessel. You are a constant reminder to everything I DO not wanna be. You show me how behaving inadequately/inappropriately/inconsistently can screw up my reputation and life. In retrospect, I am thankful that you came and gave me a hard lesson on conducting myself in the exact opposite manner of you.

It's people like you, who makes Sam the better man he is today. You deserve much credit for fucking up your own life to make me learn.

Thanks again.

P/s: Sam have shared more than enough of his time/concern/money to warrant giving the intended ones a piece of his mind. Sam is harsh, much as he can be loyal to his closed ones. Wake up for your own good.

It's always about the people.

2010-06-25T03:02:00.000+08:00

People. Never fail to intrigue me.

If God was the one who made us, I am amazed how he is able to churn out so many different ones of us everytime. Our physical attributes, our personalities, our characters, our habits, our growth and learning abilities etc. How many moulds do he need and has, to create every distinctive one of us? If, according to the bible, he only made 2, which in turn replicate the rest...he must be a freaking genius! Everyone of us is a product from the first moulds, which we will become a mould and recreate another product to mould another! Simply ingenious. If only I know how to use his blueprint commercially, create 2 to create more, which will self-mulitply without any expansion. I will be rich!

But I suspect GOD is not ISO 9000 certified and did not foresee the way we evolved.

Look at those unfortunate ones borned with physical defects. Look at some of the morally-ill ones who came to contaminate or exterminate others. Look at how we waged wars to remove our own kinds, instilled unrest and stirred troubles. Look at the division of social/economic/racial/commercial quotients. Look at the depletion of Mother Nature's treasures through our selfish needs. Look at how our evolution has distanced us from the earliest notion of Life.

Look at us.

Benefit of doubt, I think God made us outta love. And hopefully we make more love thereafter (which we all DEF agree...) Other than indirectly contributing to the thriving trade of flesh (Adam muz have gotten bored juz screwing Eve) and 'liberated' us into more precise loving, like loving money, loving blings, loving condos, loving cars, loving ONLY ourselves. It's amazing how we always try to outdo ourselves. Wooo, He should be crying silent tears of pride. Look! Even his most faithful followers are buying stakes in Suntec, living the high-life in Hollywood, and amassing church funds in the millions all in the name of Love!

People. How warped, distorted, misled and selfish some can be.

Everything started out of a good clause. People tarnished it. FUcked-up workplace? It's the people. FUcked-up system? It's the people implementing it. FUcked-up Life? It's on us.

Stop hiding and stop blaming everything else. Everyone should start doing their part.

You ain't heavy, you are my sister.

2010-06-23T03:43:00.001+08:00

My dear XXXXX,

I hardly make a personal reference to an individual on my blog. Unless really worthed it or really pissed.

It's early in the morning (2:20am), juz about the best time to indulge in some physical solace when I decided to read those very few blogs which I faithfully follow (including yours, of coz!), while streaming videos from my fav domain. The point is...reading your latest posting jolted me out of watever elicited mood I was in, and I decided to put my hand to better use instead :)

*I hope u are cool so far and even smiling faintly cos the above-mentioned are all truth. *crossed my heart.

I have been thinking silently about your renewed vigour in blogging recently and definitely enjoying every careful words u chosen and the updates from your life. I am happy to know that Life will be more inducing with the relocation and however much reservations I have towards this arrangement, if you are cool with it, I stand by you. Before you even start questioning about the motive behind this post, I have to clarify that nothing ill was ever spoken, nor purposely enacted to be detrimental to your personality, character or decisions. If any act of unintentional comtempt was channelled through, I offer my most sincere apologies.

Sorry.

For the first time I met you, I like you immersely and subsequent gatherings reaffirmed that view. You are definitely one of the few grounded souls I came across, and your humbled choices of living do inspire! Though very much reserved and soft-spoken, I am glad to have accquired another mate. With your one act of sweetness on my b'day, I was touched. I am quietly counting down to your b'day, so that I can return the wonderful gesture.

I do not know if I was part of your cyber quetch, though I do feel alit associated. And to say I am affected, is an understatement. Somewhere somehow something muz have led to this explosion of expressions. We shall not divulge the contents written and I fully respect and understand the implications if...(I think you know what I mean. I even went thru my writing a few times juz to make sure it's innocuous to whoever involved). The fact that I am still part of your virtual realm do not lessen the possibility of culpability but heightened the curiosity about your intended figures. Your ending passage hinted at the trajectory target but I wonder if our bridge had been burned without my realisation. I will definitely love to mend it...first by clarification, then explanation, ending with comprehension. Hence this dedicated post to you, but only if we share similar frequencies.

In case you were mistaken by the identity of the 'fucker' stated in my previous post, I have to comfirm that you are indeed, mistaken. The fucker is a guy. Man. Real fucker. In the event that I am over-reacting or not the guilty party/parties quoted, I want u to know I am waiting for your response the moment u read this!!

And Oh. U are definitely worth it.

Last words : Pissing is a natural phenomenon applicable to both genders for despatching toxins. Men do it from various heights/directions/positions, while women basically stick to 2 stances. But some chose to DO it a lit higher from their mouths instead. Dun worry, someday it's going to choke. Heh.

Bud.

2010-06-21T06:48:00.000+08:00

I went to a bbq's gathering the other day, to bid farewell to a dude who is leaving for work overseas soon. Not that it's much of my concern (I met this dude like once?), but becos my *bud, who is the host (who is this dude's best fren), invited me and REALLY wanted me to come.

*I put an asterisk on the 'bud' word cos A is not really a 'bud' yet but I like him enough to want him to be a bud someday.

So what constitute someone to be a bud?

In my extreme opinion, a bud is someone who can lay his life on the line for you, literally. Okay I DID mentioned 'extreme', I dun expect any of my buds to die for me yet...but more or less along that line of context. I am proud to say I am a loyal, faithful mate to those I treat like buddies. They are like my blood brothers and I seriously will fight and bleed for them. But only if they are able to stand on similar grounds as me. Buddies have GENUINE mutual respect/care/concern for each other, even if we are not always agreeable, we must be cohesive and stand with/by each other in good and bad times.

I always initiate, share, offer my everything FIRST when I meet you. If you appreciate and recipocrate, I will let you into my world. With chemistry and effort, I hope this budding relationship will be nurtured to last. But dun take me for a fool, dun take me for a ride, shortchange me, and abuse my trust in you. For when I retailate and cut you completely off, you will never, ever have a chance to step in again. Hell not only has fury like a woman scorned, try incurring the warth of an Aries. Be forewarned.

I have had one disappointing fucker whom I used to call buddy. I hope I never have to add more names onto this list. When I try to receive you into my private world of 'buds-hood', I will be there for you. If you like to keep me as a buddy, be there for me too.

For better or worse, I assured you I am not in for the short haul. Unless you want to get out.

When it's so distanced, I forgot we were there before.

2010-06-18T01:19:00.000+08:00

How many faces can we know in a lifetime?
I have seen thousands, known a few hundreds, felt for some, loved a few.

I remembered the things we did, the places we go to. Your smile, the warmth of your hand, the fragrance of your hair, the lingering scent when our bodies touched. I remembered missing you, longing to see your beautiful face and kissed your lips ever so tenderly. I remembered we ran, crossing kilometres, building camaraderie. I remembered your kindness, your gesture of help in my times of despair. I remembered our laughters, the dizzy steps, when our brows were laced with perspiration. I remember you sitting beside, on a bright full moon, when my heart was broken. I remembered your choice, of forsaking me, to be with another. I remembered the car rides, with a broken radio, with rock ballads aplenty. I remembered you waiting patiently on our date and how you broke into a smile on seeing me. I remembered our times of careless youth, when the nights are always young. I remembered you, who came and left and come back again, though some are gone for good.

I wish I can remember more, but it's been so long and I can't remember anymore.

You. Everyone of you.

Sometimes I forget we were ever there, until I remember again.

New place, more shit, lesser toilets.

2010-06-11T01:59:00.002+08:00

I was already dead tired while typing this, as my eyes strained to keep themselves open. Still I insisted that I did one post to show that I am still alive and dragging.

The new store will finally open this sat 12th. It's adiós to a month of merry-making and back to face the 'daily life of a working-class'. Mbs (Marina Bay Sands) is really one shitty place, for all their futuristic architectural marvels, proclaimed state-of-art facilities and casino gaming entertainments. It's like a little island on it's own, with the next nearest building a good 20 mins walk away. Accesibilty is bad, parking fees are exorbitant and lots are scarce, and food...goodness! Pathetic choices at eye-popping prices! Imagine 3 siew mais costing $3.30. I rather eat my own ~~balls~~ packet meals.

Luckily the new boutique is still beautiful. Though not exactly finished in the way I imagined, it does tug at my heartstrings a lit, being with the boutique since it's first incorporation. With 2 new ladies on board, we are now on a 6 men team. There were as much hesitations as expectations when relocating to this current site, but given the pain-stakingly slow figures generated during Raffles Hotel's reign, this is Breguet's last straw. Next time this year, either I am happily settled in this new home or have since move on to greener pastures. Such are the stakes involve and armed with a new responsiblitiy, I am slowing feeling the heat too. Maybe mbs' infamous air-conditioning is trying to prove their critics right again, dammit. And the bloody toilets...most have only 1 or 2 cubicles for poo-poo. Either I break down my defecation to a series of short stincts per day or I bring my own portable mini-loo, cos I really dun like the idea of shitting while a steady queue forms outside.

It's still early days to see results, though Fabien has already subtly stresses the importance of that. But seriously, I am not having good vibes and I refrain from being overly optimisstic. More crowd doesn't necessarily means more sales, and with the kinda stuffs we are selling, the money could have given me 5 yrs supply of ciggies, with a heart bypass throw in. With fingers cross, I can only hope for the best...when some lunatic still on a high of hitting the jackpot walks in. That probability works out roughly to be like me having an affair with my 'much-loved' manageress.

Still, ~~one of the cons~~ the ONLY con of working there means I am further away from the nearest drinking hole possible. My laziness outweighs the thirst and lure of a cold beer anytime, and on the secondary, can only means well for my pockets. I thought I lose weight from all the recent inactivty until I realised my wallet were significantly lighter. So I am officially broke again, once more.

Words like 'break', breakup', 'broke' and 'broken' are incessantly becoming such regular fixtures of my life, I wonder if I am really such a loser chap of a guy or juz fucking plain cursed. Nevertheless, initiating the first step to resolving a problem is always a healthy start and I hope I can sustain the effort.

I hope the new place bears well for me. And I hope there are more lunatics than not, to burn a few hundred thousands. Nothing is impossible.

Including the affair. puke.

Sometimes I dun understand.

2010-06-08T02:34:00.000+08:00

At 32 yrs of age, I dun understand why I am none the wiser.

I see mates from secondary school days during Terry's wedding. I dun know what had happened before, but it felt good seeing everyone again. It was awkward to an extent, but I was received rather warmly, as if I never really left. And then there was S, someone I have known since 7. Is it me and me only, that something weird, disquieting but yet intimate seems to hang in the air everytime I see you?

One more single man of the list, one lesser comrade, one more reason to wonder. Everyone would have bet their last dollar on me being one of the first few to get hitched years back. Fast forward to today, I am still one of the last men left hanging. Looking at peeps and peers settling down and having babies, I do sometimes, envy their progession of responsbilites. I dun purposefully swing, nor do I have an unrealistic criterials for a prospective partner...but somehow Cupid eludes me. If he is running out of arrows, I hope he make some soon enough, before the heart gets stale and cold from prolonged isolation.

6 years left unfulfiled can be detrimental to one's emotional and physical well-being. I have mates who have had it longer, perhaps not victimized by decisions but rather, the culprit of choices. I dunno if I plotted my own demise in a wonderful relationship...maybe Fate decided that we had expired each other's duration together and snipped the line of affection. I wonder what could have been. And I think I can only wonder from then on.

I heard my dad left for China months back, with his new love. Now we are even further apart than what we already are. Much as the relationship was tarnished, he is still my father. And one day, if I am a father myself, I dun hope my son to distance himself from me too. How many more years does he have, before this son addresses him as one again? Do we always need Death to remind us how precious it is, everyone that we should be cherishing?

If work is love and we all loves what we are doing, seriously, this world will be in a financial and economical turmoil. Not everyone has that good fortune to be doing their desired occupations. I was not there by choice, but I was not never shortchanged in the way the journey had penned out till date. We look outside and complain how the rest had have it better. Maybe true for some, but not everybody. EVERYone envy Somebody else's life. I dream of writing, producing music every god damn day, but whether I actually do it or not, well..let's see. A hungry stomach can't really fulfil dreams, isn't it?

Maybe the writings are in the stars, maybe everything is predestined, maybe the best is yet to come. I dun know, I dun understand. And I believe I will be none the wiser too, when I grasp my last breath.

Dream.

2010-06-04T05:50:00.000+08:00

And my world is asleep, I presumed. Half a bottle of red and an inspirational movie later, I am in the mood for writing again.

I have been composing again, with 2..er..1 and a half song to boot for the past week. Recorded one, shown it to a few buds and feeling happy. Music is my dream, I would give one arm and leg juz to do it everyday. But maybe I am like any other normal guy on the street..realistic..and needing to put food on the table. Maybe I am feeling old too, and the dreaming starts becoming a lit more distance. But dreaming shouldn't have restrictions nor limitations. Dreaming is a part of Life. I never feel more alive living out my dream, abeit small-scaled, in my cosy room, on my beloved piano.

Tomorrow is another day, and everyday is a new day. Much as I am afraid and contradicting what I am going to preach in the sentences below, I dare everyone else to go out and dream! Maybe there's still a lit dreaming left within me, maybe the spirit didn't disappear totally. Well, I am making music again, however temporal that might be. And I am loving it!

Tonight..opps (it's morning!!) ...TODAY, I am a dreamer. And I hope you will be one too. GO Go! :D

p/s: I did a video of an old composition for a buddy as a b'day gift somewhere in Dec. AND HE JUZ POSTED IT ON FACEBOOK!!!

Yea. Dream. What a bad dream.

Will you strike me if I show you my middle finger?

2010-06-03T02:10:00.000+08:00

If there is really a GOD, I hope everytime I look up to heaven, he can tell me what the fuck is going on. But no. I seriously dun think there is a GOD up there looking out for every one of us. Seriously, how much bullshit prayers can he listen to everyday and watch everyone's back? Good and evil, yes. Retribution and karma, yes. GOd? Heh.

Watch this brilliant standup act by George Carlin, shared with me by M, who I believe have also flashed his middle finger at the 'higher power' more than a few times. (We can't beat HIM everytime, bro! Not when He is not even there in the first place.)

We dun need anyone to tell us to do good and I think basic human rationale should govern us well enough. Unless you are warped, perverted or juz plain outright evil, then no fundamental common senses could have any bearings on you. I dun pray to GOD and ask for things, cos I dun blame him when I dun get them. I work for it. My mum kicks my ass when I screw up or the local legal jurisdiction takes care of me when I run afoul of laws, not GOD. He dun pay my bills, he dun give me food and he dun provide me with medical services, a home or holidays. In fact, he wants our donations so that he can keep on decorating his beautiful home called HEAVEN. Hmm. You think he accepts credit cards too?

I have nothing against peeps with faith and choose to indulge their beliefs in any GODs. It's your choice and you live with it. If your God is watching your back, well good for you! If not, change to another! There's so many to choose from, you always have time to find the right one! (I've heard different heavens have got different themes to cater to different folks! It's not easy finding believers nowadays!)

Show me a GOD in all his almighty gloriousness and I will show you ET. I believe I get punch by any ramdom stranger for flashing my middle finger faster than any GOD can inflicit his lightning bolt on me. I juz flashed 3 times towards the sky. Try it.

How do u kill yourself?

2010-06-02T03:24:00.000+08:00

I got knocked out for 16 hours.

There were no recollection of previous night's activity, no memory of the things I have done or said, no idea how I managed to drag myself home. I woke up very dehydrated, with a bad hangover and still impaired judgement. Brusied right knuckles, sore right thumb, cut fourth finger, and a swollen left knee. I remembered vaguely trashing up some tables, chairs and signboard. I was pissed at something or someone. A stranger stared at my madness and I am too wasted to even drew out his face. I swayed and stumbled. I breathed hard and mumbled. I vomitted.

I opened my eyes to see 8:35 pm on the table clock. I saw numerous missed calls and msgs on the mobile. I felt like I was dying. I could have died.

Enough, Sam. Enough.

What's in a name?

2010-05-31T05:29:00.009+08:00

We Chinese, can be such an imaginative lot when it comes to names.

Some aliases that couples chose for each other is sooo lovingly-sweet, I swear you can get diabetes after hearing them 3 times. Some are so oblivious to their surrounding people, you cringe uncomfortably at their unbashful choices of intimate references everytime. I have heard 'Dardar', 'DearDear', 'BeeBee','Baybee', 'Lingling' (short for darling I presume). Yawnnnn. I know you want her to be different and special. THEN be DIFFERENT AND SPECIAL. The last time I checked, the above-mentioned are approximately used by 89724567 couples already. Be ingenious! One creative fren I know call his woman 'twa liap', which loosely means 'big' in Hokkien (No points for guessing the source of his inspiration...) Very ingenious indeed!

During my school days, if you happen to have a christian name, the popular ones are Michael, Kelvin, Adrian, Andy and Grace, Sharon or Vivian for the gals. Some call themselves after their b'day months like Jan, April, May or named themselves after their fav idols like Sammi, Alan or Aaron. Along the way, some decided to go European and used Federick, Nicholas, Anthony or Christina, just to list a few. Things got more interesting in the late 80s and early 90s with the boom of commercialism and the sudden influx of international brands flooding Singapore. We not only have designers' goods, we started having frens with designers' names too like Coco, Rykiel, Chantel, Cromer, Gaultier and Oliver. One of my peers really topped it all when he decided to call himself Versace. The only problem was he wore no Versaces, and he can't even pronounce the name correctly (He called himself 'Ver-Sa-Chee'). The dead style guru would have been immensely proud of his influence.

Things got even more complicated when the 90s kids came around. Apparently, their parents couldn't decide on the best names for them and ended up merging 2 names into one or chose longer, dinstinctive names to give their children a headstart in life. Names like Amberlina, Angelina, Francesco, Augustine, Isabellina are seriously testing their teachers' mental resolve and tongues. The longest I have heard is John-Francis Mitchell Donnaway, an Eurasian kid I met in tuition class. I heard the poor boy turned gay.

But nothing beats the 90s. This is the beginning of a new dawn for mankind with mobile fones and internet and humans have never been as liberated. I have met Butter, Moon, Pokka, Lizzie, Dixie, Killiney, Azelia, Bennison, Roop, Estrealla, Cantelline, Cordelia (sound like some herpes)...as long as you can imagine it, there muz be one somewhere! Some older folks decided to jump on the wagon and changed their names or adopt new ones to blend in. I have pals named Billion, Oscar, Astro, Mayo and Lithium...I am juz waiting for someone brave enough to try Comdom or Tampon.

For a while, I almost succumbed to 'peer pressure' and pondered deep on how to make my name sound unique. I tried imagining myself as Samsara, Sampoerna, Samurai and even Samsonite but decided that Sam will do juz as fine. End of the day, I think a name is really only JUST a name and what lies within, is more important than a namesake. If you are worth remembering, people will remember you. No point naming yourself Shakespeare, Caesar or Davinci when you behaves more like an uncivilised rascal.

Juz look at one of the most respected statesman, Hairy Lee.

Or is it Harry?