Mental anguish

To be entering a blog entry during working hours says a lot about the nature of my job.

Basically, I get paid to look good in a suit, read 2-3 different newspapers, serve occasionally and daydream everyday. Not that I am enjoying all this though. I felt wasted, looking at Time eating away my day slowly, without really enaging myself in any positive activities. My job might be the envy of some but trust me... it's not easy bumming around the workplace.

I am counting my lucky stars that in times like now, I am able to earn decent dough without much effort. And I do feel I am short-changing my employer. Without going into full elaboration on the politics, policies and red-tapes in this company, I crossed my heart that I did try to make every penny paid to me counts. After 15 months here, the fire have all but fizzled out. Along with increasing nonchalence and bulging waistline, boredom is slowly filling with disdain. I know it's time to move on.

But to where? to do what? and when?

This is a bad time to be living on dreams, passions and empty stomachs. For every self-justified causes in the light of searching for self-worth, I have to put food on the table. With gloomy headlines gracing any newspapers everyday, I have to think THRICE about taking risks. Is this an act of cowardice? Not very inline with my school of thoughts eh? For all my preaching about 'Money is Evil'...I have fallen into the very path I hate to tread. Idealists will tell me I always have a choice. But do we really have one?

The struggle within is staggering and it's getting harder keeping the balancing act. Sometimes when I close my eyes, I just wish I never have to open them again. In that few hours of suspended consciousness, I might not be at my merriest but unhappiness is definitely at its furthest.

30 years 11 months 22 days

31

'31' is the number of the bus I used to take to school, is the last day of some months, maybe the amount of pimples on my face and the table number I sat at the other day.

31 will be my induction into the 'Hall of Thirties'. My years on Mother Earth. My age.

Birthdays used to be highly-anticipated affairs. Somewhere in my twenties, they stopped being magical. Candles ran out of space on my cakes. I ran out of time to act cute. Now, birthdays only make me wonder how many more are left. Not that I am affected by this 'special' day every year (I dun even believe in birthday wishes!), but I am more amazed by how 30 years are going to whizz past just like that. From my first cry then, this cutesy baby had became a chain-smoking chimney. From baby to boy, boy to man, now...man to 'uncle'.

I dun need any gifts from anyone. I just want to be happy regardless of age. A quiet moment with my close and loved ones will be more than sufficient. Unless you really insist, a Sony Playstation 3 will be sweet. :)

Goodbye 30!

Lalalala

Not for a long while, but I feel good today.

Not because Man united lose 2-0.
Not because I strike some lottery.
Not because I am happy.

Maybe when things are so out of hand, something inside me juz tells me to cool it.

At 4:20a.m. in the morning, with 2 off days coming up...a decent bottle of red, a piece of mind and a decent home-cooked dinner by my wonderful mum, I dun see why I should be whinning.

Love is faraway in Taiwan, soccer game is tomorrow and account is almost bare. Sigh...things could have been so much worse Sam.

It's ok...things will be ok. Soon.

Destituted

I'm very often lonely, though not always alone.

The consciousness of loneliness do make me depressed or sad. Too many of us are caught in our own mindless pursuits, lost in transitions, bothered by petty grievances. Too little social empathy, too little moral attitudes, too little family values... too little time.

Money is the new language, vices are common pastimes...Blings, fast cars, fancy accessories and 'chic' mailing addresses equate your social standing, 'lesser' occupations scorn at and higher education determines your intelligence.

How you look at yourself is not important anymore. It has become how others look at you.

I can't connect.

Everyday, I hover on the edge of depression, constantly keeping my sanity in check. I reason within myself the realism of life and the integrity of living a life. My head has to suppress my heart's incessant questionings. The 'rights' and 'wrongs' bear no consequences to my actions. This is survival of the fittest. Either you get in, or you get left behind.

This current economic crisis did not happen by chance. For the very same beliefs that have been serving the material world, they are engulfing those realists like a dark plague. The system has been riddled by greed, selfishness, vanity and over-indulgence. And it's payback time.

I am not gloating over others' misfortunes. I just feel that all along Life is still as simple as it is, realism has propagate the acceptance of such traits through proclamation of financial securities and life assurances.

Maybe we can all slow down for 'trivial' matters like love, happiness and health now.

Maybe I will be less lonely.

All we need is a little love

Pockets bared, no pennies to spare,

luck ran out and in came Despair.

When down and out,

to whom can he shout?

Need some loving from somewhere!

Hearts broken, sadness awaken,

who's to blame when one's heart is stolen?

Is it wrong to give much,

when he craves for her touch?

Need some loving from somewhere!

Life gives all, none are left,

till Death decided to commit theft

When shall it be?

Who can you see?

Need some loving from somewhere?

Insomniac

I have always like looking at the morning sun before I close my eyes.

The smell of morning freshness, the gentle soft rays that caresses the neighbourhood's carpark, hurried footsteps of the early workers....the infancy stage of a day's beginning is almost as tranquil as a night's silence. To end my night feeling the warmth of a morning's embrace makes me feel alive.

Due to work, precious nights are a rarity now. Twice a week on my off days, when the body allows, I spend the nights connecting with myself. Sometimes insomnia hits, and I go to work...dazed. Being dazed is good sometimes, it slows down my thoughts and hinders my senses...so I can be more detached, less affected, less sentimental.

A cheap bottle of red and a packet of ciggies are all I need to be alone. With every glass downed, dreams and realities get closer. Problems seem less worrying. I become happier.

No rush. No rules. No one. Just me with myself, puffing away.

One day I am going to pay for all the late nights, drinking and smoking. Then again...we die anyway.

Yawnnnnnnnnnnn.
Going to be a dazy day at work today. Again.

*smile*

Time-Freezed.

How many things can you be concern with daily?

I juz can't find enough time to do the things I want to do, should be doing or can try to do.


Work is a good 9 hours, traveling time is about 2 hours... sleep for me is like 5 hours daily on average. Eating, smoking, bathing and shitting takes away another 4 hours. Misc...maybe another 1 hour?

Which means everyday I have only 3-4 hours left for myself.
This is very sad to know that I live everyday doing alot of stuffs I have to do, might not enjoy doing and it already takes up like 4/5 of my daily life. Has our personal lifes been compromised to supplement medical advancements, technological break-thrus, world economies, countries' stabilities and 'improving' standards of living?

We strive in schools, to get the best possible grades...then we strive at work, to achieve our personal bests...we strive and strive and strive and then......we die. And no amazing medicines in our hi-tech era to prolong our poor lives. Does this make sense to you?

It all started somewhere long long time ago when happiness, self-fulfilments, better quality of life were much sought after. Someone thought an evolving and improving environment was the answer, MONEY was the cure to poverty and sicknesses. One worked hard..then another, then another and soon they were all working hard..earning more...working harder...earning more...soon they were all able to improve their lives, they bought...they spent...then they wanted more...they worked harder...more money.....

The cycle goes on till today. And manifested many times over.

"If you use diamonds as baits to fish, you will catch fishes who love diamonds."

Vicious.

Take a breather, my friends. We only have one lifetime.

Forgotten

When tears will be dry,

when heart can be cold,

when a name is mentioned,

and everything seems old.

When a presence is gone,

when a voice is silence,

when a smell is familiar,

and one reminiscences.

When words don't matter,

when sadness don't sing,

when the same song is heard,

and nostaglia sting.

Not only on Tuesdays, Morrie.

WHo is Morrie?

"Death ends a life, not a relationship."

I always wonder what happen when I am gone one day. Will I be missed? Will I be remembered? Morrie said that when one dies, all that remain is love...as long as we love each other and remember this feeling of love...as long as we have loved and shown love..we will always be remembered.

Morrie said the best words in his life with his last breaths...I think Morrie would love all those he touched to have the same realisation without facing Death.

Morrie will be remembered.

Everyday.

Period

Wide awake, yet again.

I did not plan to 'not sleep', but it was 5:30 a.m. and knowing my 'sleeping disorder'....

I need some divine help now. A stroke of good fortune or something. If there's really a God somewhere, can he hear my prayers now? Or maybe 'God only help those who help themselves?'

One lucky break and things will be alrite again.

Foolish me.